Are You Unintentionally Making Your Ex Unhappy Or Angry?

The one thing that frustrates me most about helping people get their ex back is that I can’t guarantee that they will get their ex back. It’s frustrating because I see good hearted men and women put all they have on the line, and I can’ say to them, “I guarantee you that you will get back your ex?”

I can’t guarantee that you will get back your ex, but I can say, “do your part and let love do its part”.

In my experience most people do honestly do their part. Of course, there are few one-leg-in-leg-out of the door attempts to get an ex back, but even for these half-assed attempts, on most part the intentions are good.

But as we all know; good intentions are not enough if your actions do not match your intentions.

For example, your ex is not sure whether he/she wants a break or break-up, you suggest that it’s best to just break-up, or decide to break-up with him/her because you think that’s what he/she wants anyway. Your intentions were good, but your ex will not take that as you doing what is good for him or her. Instead he or she will see it as he/she is being punished for not being sure whether he or she wants to break-up.

Most exes will agree to the break-up even if initially it was not something they wanted. Same thing with an ex who wants some space/time. When you cut off all contact when all they asked was “some” space, it does not feel like you are doing to give them “space” they need. Instead it feels like they are being punished for wanting just a little “breathing space” or “time to get themselves together”.

Maybe your ex wants to maintain some form of contact/and or wants to remain friends but you reject the gesture because you think being friends will undermine your efforts to get back together. Your ex may not see it as you concerned about the future of the relationship. All he/she sees is rejection and will react to the rejection.

Good intentions alright, but good intentions that undermine your ability to get back together.

If you want to make sure that you are doing your part as best as you can, you must always remember that your success getting back depends on how you love and not on your intentions. When we overlook the opportunity to have respectful and meaningful moments with your ex, you undermine loves ability to do its part.

As Thich Nhat Hanh in “How to Love” put it: “Your good intentions are not enough; you have to be artful. We may be filled with goodwill; we may be motivated by the desire to make the other person happy, but out of our clumsiness, we make them unhappy.”

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13 Comments

  • Yangki, thank you for the loving and compassionate advice you give. I meant to post tgis in another article but can’t find it. My ex initially asked for space and I now know from reading your articles that he was not breaking up with me. Unfortunately, I reacted to his asking for space as him breaking up with me and initiated no contact for 4 days. Reading your articles, I realized my mistake and reached out to him. He confirmed that I was being needy and getting upset that he was not paying me the attention I needed. We have spoken a few times since then. He is upset about no contact but says he understands. I love him so much and almost ruined what we have. So thank you.

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    • First of all, very few exes end a relationship saying: ‘I am breaking up with you but I am sure I will change my mind and want you back’. Very few.

      Over 90% honestly believe that it is over and thy are not changing their minds. Most change their minds because the dynamic changed and they can see the relationship can be better.

      What I am saying is, as long as the lines of communication are still open, there is always a possibility he’ll change his mind. It is who you become (new you) and what you do to make the relationship FEEL and BE new and better that makes all the difference.

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  • I asked my ex to get back together and he said that his not ready for a relationship or anything like it but he still has feelings for me and what’s to talk and hang out and see how things go,

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  • My ex always asks me if I’m seeing someone else. He hasn’t openly told me he still has feelings for me but is always texting or calling “to see how I’m doing” and asking me about things that are personal. We broke up because he wanted to see other people but maintained contact. he recently out of the blue said he now feels he would be in a better position to be with me and didn’t feel like he wanted to see other people. Is this a sign that he is rethinking the breakup and wants more?

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    • It sounds like it. Why else would he tell you he now feels he would be in a better position to be with you and doesn’t feel like seeing other people. I would even go further than “rethinking the breakup” to say he is thinking of the two of you getting back together.

      If nothing happens to make him think getting back together may not be a good idea after all, I think you’ll get back together very soon.

      Make sure you start over and create a new relationship. In your kind of situation, it’s very easy to fall back to the old relationship and have him again say he wants to date other people or come up with some other reason to break-up again.

      Ms. Independent. Hmm, I like… 🙂

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