Many of us experience positive moments of emotional connection from time to time, but often it’s ‘accidental’ and not easy to duplicate or sustain enough to create momentum.
Conscious emotional connection is when you are being mindful, fully present and aware in your interactions and are able to respond (turn towards) your ex’s bids for emotional connection at the right moment and in the right way.
Every time you turn towards your ex’s bids for emotional connection, you are making a deposit in what Dr. Gottman, the architect of “Bids For Emotional Connection” calls your Emotional Bank Account. You add value to your account when you create and build on positive moments between yourself and your partner. These little moments add up, reminding the two of you of the feelings you have for one another, and of your commitment to supporting each other through all of the experiences you share.
He says that when you “turn towards” the other person’s bids for emotional connection, they hear:
- I’m interested in you.
- I hear you.
- I understand you (or would like to).
- I’m on your side.
- I’d like to help you (whether I can or not).
- I’d like to be with you (whether I can or not).
- I accept you (even if I don’t accept all your behavior).
You probably have had these positive moments of emotional connection and that’s a good thing. But if they happen randomly and are far and between, you are not going to get momentum or see much progress towards trust or attraction.
To see momentum or progress towards getting back together, it is important that you recognize and respond to your ex’s bids for emotional connection, whether it comes in a form of a text message, email forward, social media post, phone call etc. To fail to recognize a bid for connection, miss your ex’s attempts to connect or respond with no conscious attempt to emotionally connect is self-sabotage. It sends the message that you do not get them, are not interested, or are dismissive of them (and their thoughts, feelings or experiences).
It’s very easy to miss or fail to respond to a bid for connection appropriately and in a timely manner when you are all worked up about “how often to contact your ex” or obsessing about how to word your texts.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how well you space your contacts or how perfectly worded a text is, if your ex feels that for some reason you are just not “connecting” in a way that they feel that they can trust you with their heart, you are not getting back together.
It’s even harder for your ex to believe things can be different if the reason for the break-up was that your ex just wasn’t feeling it anymore or felt that they had to break-up with you because the two of you weren’t able to communicate.
So take time to recognize, respond and reciprocate an emotional bid for connection. It makes a whooole lot of difference. Like a lot!