Fearful Avoidant Accidental Situationship (The 4-Month Mark)

Unlike dismissive avoidant who are intentional when starting a situationship, set clear boundaries on what they can and can’t do, and often don’t cross their own boundaries, many fearful avoidants find themselves in situationships unwittingly and unplanned. They say they want to keep things casual or just want to date for a few weeks or months and see if there is enough compatibility but things very quickly become super confusing and more complicated than they should be or a fearful avoidant wants them to be.

Fearful avoidants who are drawn to the idea of no label, no commitment or no exclusivity relationships are drawn to the  independence and control these relationships offer, to the fact that these relationships meet their attachment needs without the need for them to commit, and because they’re easier to detach from (or so fearful avoidants think).

But there is also a part of a fearful attachment style that finds a relationship without a label, commitment or exclusivity comfortably familiar to the lack of stability and consistency, the chaos and neglect and the craving closeness while simultaneously frightened by it.

Just like in their childhood, they can intensely crave the connection and closeness that also scares them. But unlike in their childhood they can run away from the possibility of getting close and/or the consequences of trying to get close and come back and do it again.

Around the 2 -3 month mark fearful avoidants start wanting consistency

At some point in the causal relationship, the lack of consistency and stability that made things excitingly familiar starts to become a liability and a fearful avoidant starts having problems with the lack of consistency and stability. This often happens around the 2 -3 month mark when feelings start to develop and/or the conversation about making things official or giving it a label comes up (or expected to come up). The timing varies depending on how fast things move and how quickly the conversation about making things official or giving it a label comes up.

Depending on how much consistency a fearful avoidants needs and how quickly they need it, they may sometimes bring up becoming officially a couple or exclusive. Sometimes they want to keep things casual, but not date other people, and sometimes they want more consistency in how often you see each other but also keep dating other people.

The simple fact that they want consistency means that something in the dynamic has triggered a fearful avoidant’s fear of loss and/or abandonment, and the fact that they might actually have the closeness they crave for is making them have doubts and concerns.

1. Do they want to keep things casual, become a couple/exclusive or end them? Or is it too soon to know?
2. Are they with the right person and how can they know?
3. Do they feel how they should feel? Are they losing interest/feelings?
4. Is this how casual relationships are supposed to be/feel? How do they know if they’re doing it right? … and so on.

If you become official or exclusive, it means that a fearful avoidant’s need for closeness is stronger than their fear of it. It also means that they need a relationship with more consistency and reliability even when they keep insisting they don’t want to label things, commit or be in a relationship. This however doesn’t mean that a fearful avoidant will not flip back and forth between wanting more and fearing to want more, and wanting consistency and reliability and feeling scared of it at the same time.

It’s an accidental situationship because this wasn’t a fearful avoidants original plan

If at the 4-month mark a fearful avoidant still wants to just date and see where things go, you’ll find yourselves in an accidental situationship.

It’s an accidental situationship because this wasn’t a fearful avoidants original plan. The original plan was a short-term casual relationship or date for a few weeks or months and see if there is enough compatibility, but because on one hand, they can’t move past their doubts and concerns and can’t make up their minds whether they want become official or exclusive, and on the other hand don’t want to lose you or end things, the two of you are stuck in limbo.

There is no desire (or need) on the part of a fearful avoidant to move forward and no desire to end them either. The interesting thing about this is, fearful avoidants are quite comfortable in this place of “no clarity” because it allows them to crave closeness while simultaneously avoiding it. Unlike dismissive avoidants who need clarity and can’t tolerate things being unclear, fearful avoidants can leave things unclear for months and even years.

This doesn’t mean fearful avoidants don’t want clarity, it just means that a fearful avoidant will not make a decision until they are absolutely sure it’s the right or best decision. They are what is called maximizers because they tend to carefully weigh all their options and worry about making the wrong decision. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, they want to make sure that they made the right decision. But even after making what they believe is the best decision, maximizers have a tendency to regret their decision.

Sometimes it feels like they’re is no best choice or right decision

If they feel pressured to chose between making things official or exclusive and ending the situationship, most fearful avoidants will lean more towards ending it and becoming friends, sometimes friends with benefits. Technically that’s really not ending anything because they can still conveniently continue get their needs for good conversations, good company, emotional support, sex etc. met in the friendship.

And like dismissive avoidants, fearful avoidants will not pressure you to become friends after the end of a situationship. They fully understand that although they enjoy being with you, the situationship isn’t meeting your needs and they are either unwilling or incapable of giving you more. It you agree to being friends, it means that you accept that things will likely continue as before and are okay with them being that way.

Sometimes the pressure fearful avoidants feel and ultimately end things is internal. They feel disappointed with themselves and ashamed that they can’t decide on what they want; a relationship that feels comfortably familiar to their childhood experiences, one which they have learned to navigate or one that provides the reliability and consistency they needed in their childhood but is unchartered territory with a greater potential for hurt than the one they experienced in childhood.

If a fearful avoidant feels very strongly for you or feels that they could possibly change their mind in the future and want to go official, become exclusive or commit, they’ll try to push themselves to agree to to some aspects of a committed relationship that feel safe and not too much risk. If they feel that the risk for hurt is higher than the benefits of continuing to invest in making it a committed relationship, they’ll quickly back away and may even end things for good.

But if a fearful avoidant feels that the relationship is providing the love, genuine caring, safety, trust, respect and consistency that they wanted in the first place and have wanted for probably all their life, you’ll see them invest more and more until they’re comfortable going official, becoming exclusive or committing.

Fearful avoidant accidental situationships post-breakup

The pattern of accidental situationships and craving for closeness while simultaneously avoiding by it I describe above interestingly is the same pattern fearful avoidant exes often follow post-breakup.

After the breakup, they want to keep things casual or just want to date for a few weeks or months and see where things go. After 2 -3 month of texting and/or meeting in person, they start worrying that they may be leading you on or sending the wrong message about them coming back. They even question if it’s okay to continue contact, and sometimes they freakout and want to end things or actually end them. Then it starts all over again but with no more clarity than when you first started texting or seeing each other after the breakup.

By the 4th month of texting and/or seeing each, you find that you have settled into a no label, no commitment or no exclusivity situationship, and being anxiously attached you are too afraid to ask for clarity or ask for more because you’re afraid that you will push away your fearful avoidant ex.

To you, you’re trying to get them back, but your fearful avoidant ex you have accepted that things will likely continue the way they are and are okay with them being that way.

RELATED:

Avoidant Situationship Dynamic: Intentional or Convenience

What’s The Window Of Time To Get Back A Fearful Avoidant?

The Fearful Avoidant 3-6-9 Month Breakup Timeline

Do Avoidant Situationships Ever Become A Relationship?