The reasons we choose the “wrong people” are varied and complex. One thing doesn’t change though. We choose the “wrong” people hoping that we can change them, or that they’ll change because they love us.
And it’s not just women who think that they have the “power” to change another, or make them want to change. Men are equally guilty of trying to change their partners.
The difference is that the women who think that they can change a man know within the first or second date that they are getting into a relationship with someone they have to/or want to fix.
Men who try to change the women they are with, get into a relationship thinking they are with the “perfect” woman, only to realize that their “perfect” woman is not so perfect after all.
Both genders spend a lot of energy (and time) trying to get their partners to open up, be more caring, spend more time with them, have more sex with them, love them, commit, get help with their addiction or depression, find a job, stop cheating etc.
They read books, attend workshops and consult with experts like us because they believe that if only they can get the other person to change, they’ll have the relationship of their dreams.
The belief that they have the “power” to change another person keeps most in abusive, toxic, dysfunctional, unfulfilling relationship.
If you are with someone you think needs to “change” for the relationship to work, you need first and foremost to accept that you can’t change someone else, or even get them to change even if it would be good for them and for the relationship.
You also need to stop feeling and acting like you are a victim of whatever they need to change or fix. No one is holding a gun to your head forcing you to remain in that relationship. If you are choosing to stay, it’s YOUR choice.
The victim excuses I sometimes hear from both men and women goes like this, “when I try to leave, they pull me back in” or “if you love someone you can’t just leave them because they have issues”.
It’s true. If you love someone you shouldn’t just leave them because they have issues. But if you choose to stay because you love that person, it’s not their fault. Stop acting like it is.
