Are Securely Attached Bothered When Avoidants Ignore Them?

Does it bother a securely attached person when they haven’t heard from their partner for days, or when an avoidant ignores them? Of course it bothers them. Being secure doesn’t make you super human partner.

Securely attached are still human beings with human feelings. Just like everyone else, they too are  bothered by any unhealthy behaviour whether it’s an avoidant intentionally ignoring them or an anxiously attached acting needy, push and clingy.

But secure people deal with the situation differently:

1. They respond instead of react

Both anxious and avoidant attachment react when they feel emotionally challenged, uncertain, stressed, or overwhelmed. When you react, you are responding from the emotion the other person’s behaviour has triggered in you. The other person then reacts to your reaction, and things escalates.

When faced with an emotionally difficult, uncertain, stressful, or overwhelming situation, a secure person acknowledges what the situation is making them feel but doesn’t allow those feelings to dictate their behaviour.

For example, it may bother them when an avoidant is behaving in ways that are unhealthy or negatively affecting the relationship, but instead of reacting from frustration, hurt, or anxiety, they consciously choose how they want to respond based on the kind of outcome they want to create.

The last part is very important because unlike anxiously attached people, they don’t allow their emotional discomfort to determine how they behave or make decisions. They can feel deeply affected by the situation while still choosing a response that reflects what they want for themselves and the relationship.

2. They own their feelings

Securely attached people understand that their feelings are theirs to manage. They don’t make the other person responsible for making them feel better, nor do they expect their partner or ex to change their behaviour simply because it makes them uncomfortable.

They take responsibility for how they feel and for what they do with those feelings. They can say, “This bothers me,” without turning how they feel into blame, punishment, pressure, or an attempt to control the outcome or other person.

This allows them to communicate honestly and set boundaries without making their emotional wellbeing dependent on whether the other person responds exactly as they want.

How a secure person responds when an avoidant ignores them

So when people say a secure person remains calm and unbothered if they haven’t heard from their partner in three days, that’s not entirely true. In fact, that’s describing avoidant behaviour.

What they’re probably trying to say is that a secure person can be bothered by the silence without becoming consumed by it or reacting impulsively.

This is basically how a securely attached responds to an avoidant ignoring them or giving them the silent treatment.

1. Seek to understand

When a securely attached realizes an avoidant is deliberately ignoring them, the first thing they do is ask themselves why.

Because they have a positive view of others, securely attached don’t automatically jump to negative conclusions about an avoidant’s behaviour. They’ll use what they know about what is going on in an avoidant’s life to try to understand their behaviour, and also look at their own behaviours to see if they said or did something that might explain why an avoidant is ignoring them.

2. Decide how to respond

The next thing a securely attached does is decide if this is something they want to have a talk about with an avoidant or something they can deal with on their own.

If they decide that it’s something they want to talk to an avoidant about, they carefully consider the best time to do it, and what they need to do to make sure the outcome is positive for BOTH people.

3. Seek to be understood

Once a securely attached is sure that there is enough safety for the conversation to be productive, they’ll bring up an avoidant’s behaviour.

But they don’t focus on what an avoidant is doing wrong. Instead, they focus on how the behaviour affects them and affects the connection or relationship.

Instead of “Why are you doing this to me?”, which is the anxious approach, they focus on “This is how this behaviour is affecting me, and I want to understand what’s happening between us.”

Their goal is to be understood and for there to be clarity for both people.

And again, securely attached always assume the best of others until they’re proven wrong, so they’re going into the conversation with an open mind and will give an avoidant ample space and time to explain themselves, if they want to.

4. Communicate boundaries

If the behaviour keeps happening, they set boundaries.

This is important. Securely attached people do not randomly “set boundaries” because they are upset, want to punish the other person, or force them to change their behaviour.

Instead, they communicate their boundary to protect themselves from future unhealthy behaviour, whether deliberate or accidental.

5. Leave the situation

If after setting boundaries an avoidant keeps doing the same thing, a securely attached will ask themselves if they’re willing to put up with unhealthy behaviour.

Most of the time they come to the conclusion that if nothing can be done about a situation that is obviously unhealthy for them, it best for them to leave the situation.

Sometimes a securely attached leaving can be a break where they directly ask an avoidant to take sometime, think about their behaviour, how it’s affecting the relationship and do something about it, or leaving can be a permanent breakup.

At every step, securely attached communicate directly, clearly and honestly what they’re thinking and feeling, how they’re processing things, and what outcome they’d want. You could say good and effective communication is one of a securely attached’s superpowers, especially when compared to anxiously attached’s “over emotional” communication style and avoidant’s lack of communication or inability to communicate.