Question: Yangki, my ex says I was more into him than he was into me. In the beginning, he seemed more into me but I think I became needy and pushy and he lost interest. During he breakup he said he did not have much to give to any relationship and that I needed someone who would love me back the same way I loved them. I tend to overthink and overanalyze the words and actions of someone I am in a relationship with and get more into them than they are into me. I then get anxious and needy and end up pushing them away. I am working on these behaviour and other personal work but I also want to get back together with my ex. Every advice says to do no contact for 60 days and work on my self and you are the only one that says someone can do both. I believe I can do both and reached out to my ex 10 days ago. I followed your advice in the book and have seen some progress. We are texting several times a day and your articles say if you are texting like you are a couple when you are not, it is not a good sign. Am I overthinking and overanalyzing this and should just go with the flow?
Yangki’s Answer: No, you are not overthinking and overanalyzing this, you are being careful and smart about how much contact is healthy and will help you make progress and not cause your ex to pull back.
There are 3 main reasons why several texts a day for people who re-opened the lines of communication 10 days ago is way too much/fast.
1. The chances of your ex thinking that you want more than they can give, and at some point (which he is likely to do sooner than later) withdrawing are very high. Even if he’s the one initiating the several contacts, and seems more into to you in the beginning, you have seen it happen before.
2. Too much contact in the initial stages gives a false sense of interest and momentum, and when he withdraws (which he will), you will most likely act needy because you are still working on not being needy and pushy. it takes time to get rid of an old habit.
3. You can’t sustain that level of contact in the initial stages of the process. You have to build up the connection slowly. If you start too fast, there is nowhere to go from there than down. In the book I say, what feels good in the moment is not always right for long term.
Given that you tend to overthink and overanalyze your ex’s words and actions and get more into them than they are into you, it is important for you to take it slow and not rush anything. Like most needy and over-thinkers, you will most likely misread the stage you are in the process and end up pushing your ex away. I see this a lot in the comments here and with clients with attachment anxiety.
- They are like my ex is interested when their ex is just being polite or mildly curious.
- I have momentum when all their ex is doing is responding but not initiating any contact.
- I am being friend-zoned, after only 3 – 4 weeks of contact, etc. They read a lot more into the situation than the average person.
Without much information about your situation, I would put you at stage 2 of 10… meaning, all you have now is open lines of communication and some emotional connection. You still have a long, along way to go. Don’t “misread” this one too and push him away, again.