Question: Yangki, my ex says I was more into him than he was into me. In the beginning, he seemed more into me but I think I became needy and pushy and he lost interest. During he breakup he said he did not have much to give to any relationship and that I needed someone who would love me back the same way I loved them. I tend to get more into men than they are into me and push them away. I am working on myself and at the same time trying to get him back and following your advice in the book. We reestablished contact 10 days ago and we are now texting several times a day. Is there something I should be doing differently?
Yangki’s Answer: Yes. I understand that you are working on yourself, so I’ll be gentle.
Several texts a day for people who re-established contact 10 days ago is way, way too much/fast.
- The chances of your ex thinking that you want more than they can give, and at some point (which he is likely to do sooner than later) withdrawing are very high. Even if he’s the one initiating the several contacts, and seems more into to you in the beginning, you have seen it happen before.
- Too much contact in the initial stages gives a false sense of interest and momentum, and when he withdraws (which he will), you will most likely act needy because you are still working on not being needy and pushy. it takes time to get rid of an old habit.
- You can’t sustain that level of contact in the initial stages of the process. You have to build up the connection slowly. If you start too fast, there is nowhere to go from there than down. In the book I say, what feels good in the moment is not always right for long term.
Given that you tend to misread the other person’s interest and get more into them than they are into you, I advice you to be extra careful when using the advice in my book. Like most needy, desperate people and over-thinkers, you will most likely misread the stage you are in the process. I see this a lot in the comments here and with clients with attachment anxiety.
- They are like my ex is interested when their ex is just being polite or mildly curious.
- I have momentum when all their ex is doing is responding but not initiating any contact.
- I am being friend-zoned, after only 3 – 4 weeks of contact, etc. They read a lot more into the situation than the average person.
Without much information about your situation, I would put you at stage 2 of 10… meaning, all you have now is communication and some emotional connection. You still have a long, along way to go. Don’t “misread” this one too and push him away, again.