Am I Crazy To Want My Dismissive Avoidant Ex Back?

If you clicked on this article because you are asking yourself if wanting your avoidant ex back is crazy, you are not alone. This is why there is an article on it.

Almost everyone who loves a dismissive avoidant has asked themselves in different ways if they’re crazy to still love their dismissive avoidant ex back.

With the amount of negative attention and commentary dismissive avoidants get: some of it is warranted; some of it is not it can be easy to forget the many positive qualities of dismissive avoidants.

A dismissive avoidant attachment’s positive qualities

They’re independent, self-assured, and often charming in a dry, understated way. They can be fun to be around, because you don’t have to tiptoe around their emotions or worry that every little thing will hurt their feelings.

In relationships, they respect boundaries. They won’t smother you. Many are loyal friends — people you can go to for level-headed, objective advice because they don’t project emotions into everything or personalize things. They’re logical, reliable when something needs to get done, and often self-sufficient in ways that feel safe in some ways. These qualities are deeply attractive.

So if you find yourself wanting your dismissive avoidant ex back — you’re likely drawn to and responding to a dismissive avoidant attachment’s real strengths.

A dismissive avoidant attachment’s negative qualities

But you also can’t ignore the difficult traits that come with a dismissive avoidant attachment style:

• Insensitivity or disregard for your feelings
• Keeping partners at a distance to avoid closeness
• Pulling away when you need support
• Rigid (and often many) boundaries
• Preference for casual connections over commitment
• Low desire for emotional intimacy
• Constantly finding flaws in their partners
• Being secretive
• Refusing help or support

These dismissive avoidant traits makes relationships with them challenging. And sometimes, no matter how much you love them, the relationship simply can’t work in its current form — especially if you are anxiously attached.

Why do you want your dismissive avoidant ex back?

Instead of asking yourself if you are crazy to want your dismissive avoidant ex back, ask yourself:

1. What do you need in a partner?
2. What makes you feel safe, secure, and fulfilled?
3. If your dismissive avoidant ex didn’t change, could you still be happy?

If the answer is no, don’t stay in a relationship hoping you can change a dismissive avoidant. You may love them deeply and think of them fondly forever, but if your mental health is suffering, staying makes no sense. Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to thrive in an anxious-avoidant dynamic.

If the answer is yes, then pursue getting back together with the understanding that your dismissive avoidant ex may not change—and they may not even want to change. This is who they are until they decide otherwise.

And if it helps, avoidant researchers often note that a dismissive avoidant attachment is simpler (than a fearful avoidant attachment) and responds strongly to secure modeling.

Psychologist Stan Tatkin (founder of PACT therapy) describes dismissive avoidants as “more easily up-regulated into secure functioning when paired with someone reliably safe and steady.”

Similarly, Dr. Sue Johnson (EFT therapy) has said that dismissive avoidant partners often experience “corrective attachment experiences” when a partner is secure, loving, and consistent.

Have I seen cases where it worked with a dismissive avoidant ex?

Yes I have. I’m not talking about got back together only to repeat the same anxious-avoidant pattern. I am talking about got back together and the dynamic was different.

In many of this cases, the person who wanted the dismissive avoidant ex back took time to really study and understand a dismissive attachment style beyond the bad comments and characterization; and accept their dismissive avoidant ex just they are without trying t change them.

Sometimes a break-up experience makes a dismissive avoidant ex want to change; but most of the time, if you want it to work with a dismissive avoidant, you have to be the secure base from which they can learn that:

• relationships are safe,
• it’s okay to want connection and closeness,
• it’s okay to express the need for it; and
• their needs can be met within a safe and secure relationship.

You have a better chance making a relationship with a dismissive avoidant work if you work on becoming more secure. Secure attachment doesn’t necessarily make a relationship with a dismissive avoidant feel like a walk in the park, but it makes it a lot easier when you’re not easily triggered by a dismissive attachment style and have the resilience and tools to create a safe and secure relationship for someone with a dismissive attachment style, or any other attachment style. You may even end up inspiring a dismissive avoidant to want to change.

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Why Dismissive Avoidants Push You Away (What to Do)

Ways Dismissive Avoidants Lure You Into False Safety

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