Question: We broke up because my ex would not stop talking about his ex-wife. I‘m not bothered by the fact that he mentions her, I’m fairly close to many of my exes and mention them from time to time. My ex’s talks about his ex-wife all the time. They’ve been divorced for 3 years but he talks about her like they just broke up. It drove me nuts! He says he’s over her and loves me and wants to be with me but I don’t think he’s really over her. I love him but I don’t know if I should I take him back.
Yangki’s Answer: I’ll answer the easy part first. Whether or not you take back your ex is a decision only YOU can make, and should make. It’s your heart on the line, that’s a decision you can’t outsource.
It’d have helped if you had shared more on the things he can’t stop talking about his ex.
In my experience, if the break-up/divorce was recent and someone keeps talking about how they could have done things differently to make the relationship work, they’re likely not “over” the break-up/divorce. They may be over their ex, but not the break-up/divorce.
If they keep talking about how “great” their ex was and how they messed up a good thing, their likely not “over” their ex. Chances are, you may even be a rebound. Most people not over their ex at some point or other try to get them back.
If they keep talking about their ex and it’s always negative it usually means that there are still some “unresolved” issues there. Some people get “stuck in the past” even when they do not have intention of getting back with an ex.
This is especially true if your ex is still angry about something in the marriage or about the divorce (how it happened or how it has negatively impacted their life). Some people can hold onto the anger, resentment, pain of rejection/abandonment, etc. for years, even a lifetime.
On the other side of the coin, if the relationship/marriage was a relatively healthy and happy or the break-up/divorce was amicable, your ex may from time to time reminisce, but it does not necessarily mean they want his ex back.
In some situations where two people had been together for a very long time and their lives sort of meshed, after a break-up/divorce they may still talk about their ex all the time especially if the person is still trying to define their individual identity (they lost in the relationship/marriage).
In short, just because someone talks about their ex does not mean they want that ex back, unless what they say somehow suggests they still have hopes of someday getting back together.
That said, talking about an ex you have been apart from for 3 years, and talking about them all the time is not ‘normal”. If you love your ex and want to give yourselves another chance, advice him to seek professional help. He needs to see a therapist and “get over’ whatever it is he is stuck on before you take him back. If necessary, do some sessions together, it will help both of you.
