Emotions and feelings play a central role in the break-up experience. One could even say emotions and feelings ARE the break-up experience because break-up emotions are some of the most immediate, intense, vicious, draining and incapacitating emotions we will ever experience in our lifetime.
Not only do our emotions and feelings determine whether our initial response to the break-up will be fight or flight, they set in motion a constructive or destructive sequence that hurt or help our chances of attracting back our ex.
They are at the heart of any and all interactions with our ex and on most part control what we say, what we do, and whether we react or respond to what our ex says or does. This why it is crucial that we gain control of our emotions and feelings and use them in constructive rather than destructive ways.
In order to gain control of our break-up emotions, it’s important to understand that how we act, react or respond to the break-up starts with how we look at it.
The break-up is a threat
When a break-up feels like a threat to who you are as a girl/boyfriend, partner or spouse, you will react as if the break-up is a verdict on how valuable or loveable you are.
Your emotions and feelings will be fear, anxiety, frustration, exasperation, aggravation and anger. Your actions on most part will either be too timid or too impulsive, too hesitant or extra (dramatic), but overall nonconstructive or destructive.
Most of the time you feel fearful, scared, intimidated and panicked by what you have to do to overcome the threat that looks too big to overcome, and may even feel like a life sentence of sorts (with no light at the end of the dark tunnel).
Unfortunately when you think, feel and believe that you aren’t capable of overcoming an obstacle or threat, it affects how you respond to the “threat” and also affects your self-confidence (that belief that you have the ability to influence an outcome).
Feeling that you do not have the ability to influence an outcome will make you hopeless and despondent, which in turn creates negative thoughts and feelings about the situation which then affects how you feel. How you feel affects what you say, what you do, and whether you react or respond to what your ex says or does. You see where I am going with this?
The break-up is a challenge
When a break-up feels like a challenge to prove to yourself first and foremost (and then to your ex) that you are a valuable, loveable and better girl/boyfriend, partner or spouse than the person your ex broke up with, you will react to it like it is an opportunity to correct past mistakes, do things right and make things better.
How’s this different from looking at the break-up as a threat.
1. Respond instead of react – A challenge mindset enables you to embrace and face head on the break-up experience rather than withdraw or run away from it.
It builds the emotional resilience that allows you to respond from a place of strength rather than fear, and to accept what comes with flexibility rather than rigidity. Roll with the punches as they say (and there are many punches when trying to attract an ex back).
2. Control your emotions – A challenge mindset allows your mind to be clear, deliberate and intentional.
When your mind is focused on a purpose rather than on how you feel, you are more able to identify issues, analyze all possible options, set reasonable goals, make sound decisions, come up with a more appropriate courses of action, and direct all of your internal resources to not just surviving but thriving in the emotionally trying environment the break-up has created.
3. Self-confidence – A challenge mindset creates a positive “lens” through which you look at the break-up experience which in turn gives you the confidence to pursue a course of action that positively influences the outcome you want.
Instead of fear, anxiety, frustration, exasperation, aggravation and anger you feel confident that you will figure things out even when at the moment it seems like there is no light at the end of the dark tunnel.
4. Emotionally attractive – Someone who faces challenges head on rather than run away from them, whose words and actions are clear, deliberate and intentional, is confident in what they are saying and doing, and is motivated and determined despite the obstacles ahead of them is very emotionally appealing. They not only come across as ‘calm in the storm’ but also dependable in times of crisis.
Your ability to respond to the break-up experience with a challenge rather than a threat attitude will without doubt help you take control of your emotions and feelings. But it does more. It pushes you toward overcoming the obstacles you face when trying to attract back your ex with more energy, confidence and hope that is not possible in a chaotic, impulsive and frenzied threat state.
Cited: Jim Taylor Ph.D – Crisis: Emotional Threat or Challenge?