How Secure Exes Respond To Avoidant Leaving Them On Read

When you have an anxious attachment, an avoidant leaving you on read feels like being disregarded, ignored and disrespected. It can even feel like punishment, and rude behaviour if an avoidant had been responsive or was reaching out then all of a sudden leaves you on read. You’re left wondering why they read your text but didn’t respond. Don’t they want you to reach out? Are they feeling pressured? Do they need space? Did you say something that upset them? What did you say that might have triggered them? Are they using silence as a weapon to hurt you? Will they respond? Should you send another message or wait for them to respond etc.

I don’t pretend to know or understand all the psychology behind why avoidants leave you on read, but what I’ve learned over the years working with people trying to get back their avoidant ex and avoidants trying to get back an ex is that many avoidants even when they enjoy talking to you often drop out mid conversations.

I’ve asked many avoidants what’s really going on with them when they read a text from an ex and don’t respond. These are some of their reasons for leaving you on read.

1) They don’t have the energy to chat, don’t feel that there’s a need to carry on with a conversation or simply got tired of connection (deactivated).

2) They didn’t think the text required a response (e.g. didn’t see a question that required an answer).

3) They didn’t have the time to respond, then completely forgot to respond because their attention was diverted to something else.

4) They can’t think of what to say or don’t know the right way to respond.

5) They’re trying to avoid a disagreement, an argument or getting triggered.

6) They fear that if they respond instantly, it sends the message that they’re okay with the intense level of contact their ex expects from them.

7) They’ve made it clear that they’re not interested in staying in contact and hope that an ex finally gets the message and stops reaching out.

And if you haven’t been in contact for weeks or months, receiving a text from you was confusing, emotionally overwhelming or triggering for your avoidant ex. They did not expected to hear from you, read your text message but don’t know if they want to respond and possibly reopen the lines of communication or keep no contact going indefinitely.

And you have some avoidants who approach instant messaging like email. They see no urgency in responding instantly.

I’m not saying that avoidants don’t leave you on read because they’re insensitive or use leaving someone on read as a power play. There are avoidants who take pleasure in using silence as a weapon especially if they know it’s going to get a certain reaction from you. What I’m saying is, an avoidant ex leaving you on read doesn’t have to be a “crisis moment” and reason to self-sabotage with protest behaviour.

Avoidants leave securely attached on read too and this is how to respond like a securely attached.

1. Don’t take being left on read personally

When a securely attached sends a text, they often don’t check to see if someone read it or not. They don’t constantly monitor their ex’s presence, moods or actions to see how their ex is feeling or reacting to them.

From a secure attachment perspective, it’s validating to get a response, but just because technology allows someone to reply in real time does not entitle us to an instant response. As long as it’s not a life-or-death emergency, it’s just a message, an attempt to connect, and not an assessment quiz on how the other person feels about us or treats us. There are better and more effective ways to evaluate how someone feels about us or treats us than being left on read.

2. Give an avoidant ex the benefit of the doubt

If a securely attached notices that an avoidant read a message but hasn’t responded, they don’t automatically assume something is wrong, an avoidant is ignoring them or intentionally trying to make them feel bad because securely attached have more trust and confidence in their connections with others, and are not afraid of people not liking them or of being seen as annoying to others.

They take comfort in the fact that the other person took the time to read, and that in itself is positive feedback.

An avoidant ex may not be ready to respond, that’s fine. They may not want to respond, and that’s fine too. If they’re making effort in other ways, being left on read doesn’t lower the quality of the bond you have.

3. Don’t send placating text messages

When an avoidant doesn’t respond, securely attached don’t do thing to “get back” at an avoidant or send “I understand if you’re busy/don’t want to talk” or “You don’t have to respond” placating and pacifying texts that anxiously attached send when they think an avoidant may be feeling pressured, needing space, or doesn’t not want to talk to them.

Besides believing that others have a right to respond or not respond, securely attached also understand that placating texts sends mixed messages. On one hand you are saying, “You don’t have to respond” but also saying “It’d nice to get a response”. Avoidants know that if you took the time to reach o

This confuses most avoidants. Same as when you send “I understand if you’re busy/don’t want to talk”. If you think they’re busy, what’s the point of sending a text just to let them know that you know and understand that they’re busy? Isn’t that “bothering” a busy person with an unnecessary text?

4. Create safety for constructive conversation

If there’s a pattern of an avoidant repeatedly engaging in unsafe and relationship-damaging behaviours, people with a secure attachment will have a talk with an avoidant. But unlike anxiously attached unmet needs driven talks, people with a secure attachment create a safe environment for the conversations to be safe for both people.

A secure attachment’s goal for having a talk with an avoidant is not to confront them about their behaviour or tell an avoidant how an avoidant “makes them feel unsafe”. People with a secure attachment take responsibility for their feelings and don’t blame their feelings on avoidants. They go into these conversations with the goal of understanding an avoidant’s experience, helping an avoidant understand their experience and try to move the conversation and relationship to a much healthier and safer place for both people.

5. Won’t sacrifice their dignity, safety and well-being

One thing you can count on a securely attached is not sacrifice their dignity, safety and well-being for a relationship. They’ll do the best they can to make an avoidant or anxiously attached partner feel safe, loved and cared for but when someone’s words and actions negatively affects their overall sense of safety and well-being, securely attached walk away. Unsafe, unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships don’t feel “normal” to people with secure attachment and it isn’t something they want to get used to.

So yes, an avoidant leaving you on read doesn’t have to be a “crisis moment”, but if you persistently feel anxious about the relationship and afraid of what an avoidant will do, have a conversation to try to move the relationship to a much healthier and safer place for both you, set healthy boundaries for how you want to be treated and give an avoidant ample time to make necessary changes. But nothing changes, love and value yourself enough to walk away. Constant anxiety, hypervigilance, fear, worry, scheming, manipulating, and generally feeling unsafe and insecure shouldn’t feel “normal”, and if you make it “normal”, that’s on you.

You can’t ask other people (dealing with their own attachment issues) to also deal with your attachment issues. Lack of your ability to self-soothe does not have to be an emergency on an avoidant ex’s time.

You need to look at your need to be frequently reassured, constant fear that someone doesn’t want to be with you or that you will push them away, lack of boundaries, tendency to self-abandon and tolerate unsafe, unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships etc. Acknowledge your own attachment wounding, and hold yourself accountable for what you allow.

RELATED:

Why Avoidant Exes Only Respond To Some Of Your Texts

When It’s Okay to NOT Respond To Your Ex’s Texts (At All)

12 Signs Your Ex Is Breadcrumbing You Vs. Taking It Slow