Question: Yangki, I need help with a fearful avoidant who was responding but has stopped. She recently started responding after I reached out 5 times as per your advice. She was cold at first and then she warmed up a little. Our conversations were mostly pleasant. We talked about some old memories and laughed. She was responding and even initiated contact once or twice but has since stopped responding.
This started when I brought up getting back together she said she did not want to talk about the past. So I told her let’s talk about the future, and she said she didn’t want to talk about the future either. I told her we could be just friend as long as she agrees to at least think about getting back together in the future. She said she will think about she it but I could see that she was upset. She has not responded to a couple texts I sent; telling her I want to take things slow but she does not respond.
I don’t want to do NC, I feel that if we keep in contact we will figure out how to fix things. In your experience with a fearful avoidant attachment, will she start responding again? How do I get things back to how they were? Your advice was working and I wished I had not gone ahead of myself, please help.
Yangki’s Answer: I don’t know if this helps but a fearful avoidant who was responding then stops responding is common. This is the nature of a fearful avoidant attachment.
You are right, by keeping in contact you can work out most of your problems. The reason the first conversations went great is because you were just two single people who enjoy talking to each other. And from your question, you also realize that you should have kept things at that level for some time. The mistake you made was “over think” what those great conversations meant causing you to rush into a premature conversation about getting back together. Asking a fearful avoidant ex (or ex with any attachment style for that matter) to get back together when you have not given them reason to expect better is a mistake many people make, one which costs them all possibilities.
The second mistake you made and may be the reason why she was responding then stopped responding was making contact conditional. When you said ” as long as you agree to…” you scared her away. A fearful avoidant or not, if you are not in a relationship, conditions just push someone further away. That is because you are giving someone no option and forcing them to choose what they’d probably would not have chosen without the pressure. Her refusing to respond is because she feels if she responds, it’ll mean she’s thinking about the possibility of you getting back together, which she might not be at this time. It doesn’t mean she won’t ever, it just means right now, she’s not.
Sit down with yourself and work out a plan of action. If you don’t have a plan of action, you are winging it and that’s a HUGE mistake. When you have a plan of action, contact her and apologize for putting that kind of pressure on her. Tell her you understand why she reacted by withdrawing. It is too premature to even be thinking of getting back together. Then explain to her you have things about you that you should be working on. If you want, mention that “pushing hard when you don’t get your way” as one of them. Then tell her how much you enjoy talking to her and hope that the two of you can stay in contact.
Without more information into your situation; who your ex is, what kind of relationship you had, why you broke up etc.; I can’t say for sure that she will respond or continue not responding. If she responds, start things as if you were meeting a new woman and wanting to get to know her and eventually date her. You have a better chance dating your ex than trying to mend or fix a broken relationship.