A Breakup Acceptance Text To An Avoidant Ex You Want Back

Like with every attachment style, how you handle the most emotionally raw stage of the breakup plays a significant role in your success getting your ex back. I’ve worked with so many people who did more damage to their chances of getting back an avoidant ex after the break-up than before or during the breakup itself. An avoidant who still had lingering or was leaving the door open to a possibility of getting back together at some point ends up losing the lingering feelings they had after the break-up and/or wanting no contact.

What do you do when an avoidant breaks up with you?

1) Do try to change an avoidant ex’s mind

The first thing you do when an avoidant breaks up with is do not beg, try to bargain or change the mind of an avoidant. The harder you try, the more an avoidant feels the need to defend and assert their independence by insisting that it’s over.

2) Do not take the breakup too personally – One of the major difference between secure and insecure attachment is that people with an insecure attachment because of their insecurities take break-ups personally i.e. something bad done to them and/or a reflection of their relationship worth rather than something that happens in relationships. Securely attached believe that others have the right to end a relationship that’s not working for them, they’re not happy in or have fallen out of love. They’d rather see somebody they care about be happy than be miserable in the relationship.

Not taking the break-up personally is recognizing and acknowledging that the relationship ended for a reason, and/or the break-up is something your ex needed to do for themselves and didn’t do necessarily against you or to intentionally hurt you. Your hurt and pain is the result or outcome of the breakup, not the intention of it.

3) Communicate calmly – If you need to need a few days to cool off or calm yourself down then do it. Most avoidants don’t just expect you to take a few days to process your emotions, they want you to process your emotions so they don’t have to deal with “an emotional you”. If you communicate calmly and not blame your emotional state on them, an avoidant will  respect you for handling things maturely.

4) Accept the break-up –  The fourth and really important thing you do after a few days (3-10 days after the break-up), send a text accepting the break-up.

Accepting a break-up is not the same as agreeing with the breakup. Agreeing with the break-up implies that you agree with your ex breaking up with you, and/or think they made the right decision. Accepting the break-up means you acknowledge your ex’s decision to end the relationship as something they want even if it not something you want or think should have happened. In other words, you don’t have to agree with the break-up to accept it.

What to include in a breakup acceptance text to your ex

The goal of sending your ex a text accepting the breakup is not to change their mind about the break-up, the goal is to try to get past the most emotionally raw stage of the breakup without causing anymore damage to your chances of getting back together at a later time.

An effective breakup acceptance text that will give you a better chance of getting back a dismissive or fearful avoidant ex should include 4 very important things.

1) You’re not fighting your ex’s decision – You don’t agree with the break-up and would prefer to work things out, but since your avoidant ex has made the decision that breaking up is what they want, you’re not going to beg them, try to persuade them to change their mind or protest their decision.

2) You don’t regret the relationship – Regardless of what happens going forward, the break-up doesn’t negate the special moments you shared and the appreciation you have for your ex. If you need to, briefly apologize (no more than a sentence or two. You’ll get the opportunity to properly apologize when both of you have cooled off and your ex is more emotionally receptive).

3) You see the break-up as an opportunity – Although you don’t agree with the break-up, it has made you realize many things about yourself and what you need to work on to become a better person and a better partner in your future relationship.

4) You still want them in your life – This part of the break-up acceptance text is probably the most important of all because your chances hang on your ex still wanting you in their life. If they want you completely out of their life, it’s over-over. The breakup text should communicate that you are not to trying to work things out right now or want to get back together, you simply want to keep the lines of communication open but only if this is something they feel comfortable with.

This is not a word-for-word script for a breakup acceptance text but a guideline on what a text accepting the breakup should look like. You will have to phrase the actual breakup acceptance text to sound authentically you and customize it to your break-up situation.

An effective breakup text should be short, simple and not too emotional especially when you’re dealing with avoidant who are turned off by “emotionality”. No more than a paragraph, 1,500 characters or 15 lines. If you are accepting the break-up in person, keep the conversation short no longer than 15 minutes, and don’t drag in emotional stuff like old memories etc. Avoidants get turned off by emotional dumping and talking about memories just after a break-up.

Also make sure not to use words that sound like you are moving on or getting closure, or going no contact especially with a fearful avoidant. There’s a high chance that it’ll trigger a fearful avoidant’s fear of abandonment and make them hyperactivated or make them deactivate; neither is good for your chances

In my experience, 80 – 90% of avoidants who still have feelings for an ex respond positively and some are moved to tears by a sincere and well-thought breakup acceptance text. It however doesn’t mean that if you accept the breakup an avoidant ex will want to get back together right away. What a sincere and well-thought break-up acceptance text shows is that you are secure in your relationship worthiness and have good intentions moving forward. This sets the stage for the new relationship to start off on some level of trust and safety instead of continuing with the insecure dynamic – and further damaging any chances of getting back together.

RELATED:

Avoidant Ex Says “I Don’t Want A Relationship” (What to Do)

What To Do When Avoidant Ex Still Wants You In Their Life

A Fearful Avoidant Ex Vs. A Dismissive Avoidant Ex

How Often Do Exes Come Back? (Odds By Attachment Styles)

Attachment Styles And Break-Up Closure – A Good, Goodbye

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2 replies on “A Breakup Acceptance Text To An Avoidant Ex You Want Back”
  1. says: Memori

    Yangki, is there a window of time for sending an acceptance text? My dismissive avoidant ex broke up with me 9 months ago and I did everything you are not supposed to do and ended up pushing him even more. After 5 weeks of anxious behavior, I initiated no contact. He never reached out and has not responded to the 1 text a month I’ve sent for the last 3 months, but I’ve also never accepted the breakup. I‘m wondering if maybe I can reopen the lines of communication by accepting the breakup and telling him about the work I’ve done on myself since the breakup. What do you think?

    1. says: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      9 months without communication is a very long time even for a dismissive avoidant. In my experience, the window of opportunity for a break-up acceptance text to make a difference is days to 4 weeks of the break-up. But you never know until you try. The worst that can happen is that he won’t respond like he’s done with the texts you’ve sent, but your dismissive avoidant could have developed an attachment and may be open to some form of contact or even friendship, even if it’s too late to try to get back together.

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