Almost everyone trying to get their ex back once in a while falls into “negative thinking”. It’s normal, and personally I think it’s healthy to think about what’s not working right and what could go wrong.
But there are people that take it to the dizzy limit. They don’t just fall into “negative thinking” once in a while, what’s not working right or what could go wrong is all they think about. Some get so caught up in “negative thinking” so much that they don’t even realize that they have crossed the line between trying to “get back their ex” to trying to “avoid getting hurt”.
They think they are trying to get their back but spend more time planning how to avoid getting hurt than they do trying to get back their ex. Because they are so focused on what they don’t want that they make very little progress towards getting back their ex, the majority end up giving up.
These are some of the common negative thoughts they keep playing in their heads one after the other (You may recognize some of them).
- I don’t want to have false hope.
- I don’t want my ex to feel pressured.
- I don’t want to contact my ex and he/she does not respond.
- I don’t want to come across as needy.
- I don’t want my ex to think I am desperate.
- I don’t want my ex to take advantage of me.
- I don’t want to end up in the friend-zone.
- I don’t want to waste my time.
Even when asked “But what do you want?”, they’ll say “I want my ex back, but I DON’T want to have false hope” or “I want to contact my ex but, I DON’T want to him/her to feel pressured.
It’s like they start with hope (I want my ex back or I want to contact my ex) and then something in their brain short-circuits and they return to their default “don’t want” position.
And as they say, what you focus on becomes your reality. In the end everything they don’t want to happen is exactly what happens.
People who eventually end up getting back their ex have a whole different orientation. Rather than just trying to avoid having false hope, coming across as needy or being friend-zoned etc, they actively work to move toward what they want to see happen.
They report feeling more optimistic about their chances and more satisfied with how things are moving forward because they are focused on trying to move things forward.
Just like anything else in life, success getting back your ex is part PSYCHOLOGY, part EFFORT, part STRATEGY, and part LUCK (love doing what it does).
Just hoping and dreaming of getting back together with your ex without doing anything to actually get back your ex will get you nowhere. Likewise, trying this and trying that without believing in what you are doing will get you mixed results. You might even give up and stop trying too soon, before your efforts have had time to yield results.
You’ve probably heard the saying “Believe in yourself and others will believe in you too”. If you are ever going to convince your ex that the relationship can actually work, you must believe it yourself first. If you don’t believe that it is possible to get back together, or that the relationship can actually work, your ex will sense your hesitation, doubt and fear, and convince him/herself that there is no point in even trying.
And since the best way to move away from what you don’t want is to move towards what you want, let’s agree here that until it is very clear that there is absolutely nothing else you can do to get back your ex, anything is still possible. Until it’s OVER, it’s not over.
This is not just about positive thinking (which taken too far can be another form of denial), but about allowing hope to infect your thinking, words and actions. To actively work to move toward what you want to see happen rather than just trying to avoid what you don’t want to see happen.
Thank you so much for this website! My ex says he’s still heartbroken by me, and that we should be friends. I text him articles or pictures a few days a week on topics that we both enjoy to hopefully build emotional momentum. He says my text messages are inappropriate (reaching out to him) and does not respond. He also says he needs his time and space from me, and that I should be focusing on me instead of us….I do not think it’s over-over, and I see him everyday because we have kids. Your website has been such a source of strength so far.
I have read a few articles on your site, and I will definitely be investing in your work. Thank you SO MUCH for offering genuine advice that is trustworthy, there are so many other snake-oil love gurus out there. I truly feel a completely different vibe from reading your advice. I wanted to ask, is there a section on your site pertaining to the friend zone? My ex says she loves me, just not the way she did. She says she wants me to move on so that we can be friends. Your thoughts?
Thanks for you very kind words.
There are quite a few articles on being friends with your ex, and avoiding the friendzone. Try doing a site search with those words.
There is also a more detailed section in my book ‘dating your ex’ that specifically addresses both being friends and the friendzone.
Thank you so much! I also wanted to know, does your book mention anything about long distance relationships with an ex? She’s joining the Air Force and will be stationed at different locations around the US…. I know this can be a huge factor, but I still think it’s worth trying…
Here’s a link with information on what you can expect to find in the book.
Hi Yangki. Time to heal and grow. I’ve been trying to get back my ex for 5 months using your articles and dating ex book. We got to where she agreed to meet but kept backing out. She was still very closed. She asked for space and I went back into old habits and pushed instead. I wasn’t strong enough yet to let go. I pushed for a discussion and she told me it’s best if we do not speak for a week. I valued your advice and last week bought your new book, It’s Just Break-Up. As soon as I began reading, I realized I had not healed properly. I am working through the exercises and will contact her in a week. I do not want to stay away too long because as you said it’s possible to heal and work on getting her back at the same time. As you said in your book ‘I am not giving up, just letting go’ 🙂
‘I am not giving up, just letting go’ … that’s the spirit!
I am rooting for you… 🙂
Yangki, I realized after reading a dozen of you articles that I have been doing all the wrong things to get my ex back. I followed advice that’s about playing mind games and now my ex says he does not trust me. He still respond to my texts and we talk on phone but hes telling me he does not think he can trust me again. Do you think its over or is there still a chance to g thim back if i follow your advice?
Trust once it’s broken takes time and a lot of effort to earn back. But he’s still open to contact which means he is not completely turned off by whatever you did to cause him to not trust you. See if you can use the window of opportunity to try to earn his trust by showing him he can once again trust you. There are no guarantees but it’s worth a shot.
She says it’s over but says things that make me think we still have a chance. She still calls me ‘honey’ and last week sent my mother a birthday gift and addressed it to “mom”. We were together 4 years and engaged but she broke it off because she didn’t think I was being ambitious enough. I am working on that and she says she can see I am really trying but says we are over because it’s too late for that changes I have made. I should have done it when we were still a couple. What do you think, are we are over?
Just based on what you have written, I do not think you are over-OVER.
What you do and what happens in the next few months will make it clear if it’s really too late or if right now she’s just angry that you did not make the changes sooner.
Very helpful. I am going through this, when things are good with my ex and he responds I feel positive and happy but when he does not respond I run into a negative thoughts spiral. I expect the worst and ready myself for it so it wouldn’t be so hard to handle. I know I have this problem and that is why I read your site everyday to for me to stay positive.
I am glad to be of some help… 🙂
I don’t think you can completely rid your mind of negative thoughts. As long as you acknowledge them and not hold on to them or act on them, but allow them to pass through your mind, you’ll be okay.
All the best!