Question: Yangki, I love your advice. All the other advice as you say encourages disconnection rather than connection. I know, I followed that advice and treated my now ex badly, and he completely disconnected from the relationship. I’m trying to rebuild that connection we lost and your advice has been very helpful. My question is, can you elaborate a little on the differences between accessibility, availability and engagement. How can I be accessible but not too available, and how do I get my ex emotionally engaged? Is this something covered in your ebook?
The Love Doctor’s Answer: I’m happy to answer any question about how to connect to one’s ex, as opposed to how to disconnect (no contact).
Yes, accessibility, availability and engagement are all covered.
Accessible is when your ex needs you (or you need your ex) you can be reached by phone, email, text etc.
Not too available means that you can be reached, but that doesn’t mean you are there to serve your ex’s every wish or need, or even have to respond to his/her every text, email or call.
You can be accessible but not too available by choosing when to act or respond, and by responding in ways that are appropriate to the situation, and create a strong connection.
Engaged means emotionally interested.
In my experience, getting your ex emotionally engaged is half the work done. Here’s how to do it:
1) make yourself accessible;
2) make it easy for him/her to talk to you;
3) create an emotionally safe environment for him/her to open up to you;
4) ask the questions that show interest in things that matter to him/her;
5) do not push him/her to respond or say what you want to hear, or rush him/her to make a decision;
6) make the small moments of connection count/create a unique sense of history, and;
7) create a sense of compatibility (or wanting the same things in life), etc.
This can be a challenge for those who are concerned about any display of vulnerability. But if you want your ex engaged and responsive, you must allow yourself to become emotionally exposed.
If this is something you haven’t done, then start doing it. You’ll rebuild that connection more quickly than if you are holding back.