There are many reasons someone would use “No Contact” after a break-up. If one has to use “No Contact” (not everybody wants to, or needs to), there are “healthy” reasons to do it. For example: to heal from the break up, space to reflect on one’s shortcomings in the relationship, do some changing and growing; and sometimes one just wants to “forget everything” and move on with his or her life.
But not everybody understands that “No Contact” as a strategy for attracting back an ex is more than anything fear-driven, appeals to individuals with a fearful avoidant attachment style, and reveals an avoidant’s attachment insecurity.
A “Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style” is when someone is afraid of being too close to but also afraid of being too distant from someone they love and care about. They want contact and emotional connection but are also afraid of being seen as ‘needy’ and/or being let down.
Over the years working with men and women, young and old, from all backgrounds, I have identified fearful avoidance reasons why most people feel that they have no other option but use “No Contact” to resolve relationship problems, deal with a relationship conflict or attract back an ex.
1. Feeling helpless
“No Contact” especially appeals to people who fear that any kind of contact could increase or intensify the problems in the relationship. Because they feel helpless to change anything, they choose instead to “hide” and hope that the problems will go away on their own — and when they reappear from “No Contact” everything will be fine.
2. Things ended badly
Most likely the break-up was nasty – things that should have not been said were said, or an ex is angry and hostile, so the person thinks that “No Contact” is a good way to avoid further “messing things up” and that it’ll allow any bad feelings to go away. Most are unaware that this very act of “trying not to further mess things up” may actually create new problems.
3. Lack of self-confidence
Someone who is not psychologically prepared to deal with the emotions involved with trying to get back a loved one, or lacks confidence in the process because they have no plan strategy might see “No Contact” as an attractive strategy for getting an ex back because they don’t have to do anything. All they have to do is try so hard not to contact an ex — and wait for their ex to contact them!
4. Issues with being needy and/or controlling
If one was clingy, needy, dependent or feels that they had less “power” and control over what happened in the relationship, “No Contact” may make them feel like they’re finally in control of the situation. Because of their past behaviours, they’re so afraid, that any sign of wanting contact may be interpreted as a sign of neediness and weakness and their ex may conclude that they’re still desperately in love. For as long as they’re not contacting an ex, they can hide their feelings (and undesired behaviours). It’s an illusion. Once contact is re-established (it eventually has to if one wants to get back his or her ex), the neediness begins all over again.
5. Hesitation/reservations about the relationship
An ex who is not sure if they want to give the relationship another chance, one who thinks there is someone else out there, or one who is already seeing someone new might opt for “No Contact” to avoid making a decision one way or the other. “No Contact” or minimal calculated contact buys them time to have it both ways until they can make a decision – or be forced to make one.
6. Way of dealing with a great loss
For some people completely disconnecting with an ex is their way of dealing with loss. For others “No Contact” stops them from having any false hope of getting back together. Their thinking is: “if you don’t hope, then you won’t be disappointed when it doesn’t happen.”
7. Send a message
An ex who does not want to say or do anything that will give the other person false hope might see “No Contact” as a polite way of sending someone off – gently. They’re afraid of how the other person might react and prefer an avoidant way of dealing with the situation.
To someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style these reasons for using “No Contact” make a lot of sense and even seem rational. Unfortunately, they also are not the “healthiest” ways of dealing with relationship problems, resolving relationship conflict or inspiring a loved one to return to a relationship. More often than not, problems are left unresolved, the conflict gets worse, or too much time passes without contact and it makes no sense to contact an ex (who may or may not have moved on).
Even for people who some how manage to “get back together” after “No Contact”, the reunion often doesn’t last very long when the “new relationship” is put to the test. Many so-called “Got back together after No Contact” relationships are nothing beyond “re-establishing contact” temporarily. Hurray! My ex came back, damn it, it’s over again.
If you find yourself strongly pulled towards ‘no contact’, it might be a good idea to take a good look at your attachment style. You may find that many of your relationship problems originate from how you see and avoid closeness.