7 Reasons Advice On ‘How to Make Your Ex Miss You” Is Bad Advice

Question: Yangki, I like your approach and agree with much of what you say. But I have also been reading other sites that say it’s better to give him space so he misses you because it’s human nature to idealize what we don’t have. If he misses you when you’re not there he will realize how much you mean to him.

Yangki’s Answer: I am human too but it’s not in my nature to idealize what I don’t have. I am securely attached like that… 😉

We all have our different beliefs about relationships, life and people in general. If we have an underlying negative view about people and relationships (e.g. human beings are flawed, weak, don’t change, are out to get us, don’t deserve our kindness etc.), it will influence the advice we give and the advice that resonates with us. If we believe that human beings are generally good or have good intentions, and a relationship is a place where we find love, kindness, warmth, connection, safety and security etc., our advice will tend to highlight those things and encourage them in how we relate and be in a relationship.

Sometimes however, we grow up believing some things and don’t question or test the validity of a belief. For example the belief that “if he misses you when you’re not there he will realize how much you mean to him” or “people want what they can’t have” etc. We just assume everyone believes this, and that’s just how it is. In reality however:

  1. Some people realize how much they miss you when you are not there,
  2. Some people out of sight is out of mind, and
  3. Some people realize how much they miss you, but don’t act on it.

My job is not to tell you what you should believe or what advice you should follow. It’s up to you to decide what makes more sense to you and what you believe is how you want to love or be loved.

The questions I would like you to ask yourself are:

  1. Isn’t the very goal of a relationship “to be there” for each other (Independent but interdependent)?
  2. Do you have to “give space” every time to remind someone how much you mean to them?
  3. What does it say about your relationship and the strength of someone’s attraction to you?
  4. How often can you “give space” without it negatively impacting the relationship?
  5. When you return, do they miss you less now that you are ‘there”?
  6. How do you learn to BE together if the only way you know how to create attraction or increase desire is to “not be there”?
  7. What happens when you get ‘married’ and are there all the time, do you have to leave to make a spouse realize how much you mean to them?
  8. How sustainable is a relationship or marriage where “giving space” is the way you resolve disagreements or conflict?

And because I am a strong believer in empathetic relationships, I want you to imagine yourself in your ex’s shoes and (God forbid) you had a serious car accident, were diagnosed with a serious illness, lost your job or just wanted emotional support from someone who knows you and understands you, and you reached out to your ex and they did not respond because they are trying to “make you miss them” or make you realize how much they mean to you.

Maybe you don’t even reach out to them but go through the difficult experience and not one time did they reach out to check if you were okay. You probably will realize what it’s like not having them around, but also realize just what kind of person they are, and what you mean to them.

Personally, I would be concerned and sad that I am only missed when I am gone. I would ask myself, “Is this how I want to be loved or wanted? What does it say about our relationship? What does it say about me?”.

I think many will agree with me that it’s a wonderful feeling knowing that you are so loved that someone misses you when you are:

  • Right across the room and they walk up to you to give you a hug.
  • Sitting next to them and they reach out for you just because they wanted to feel you.
  • The first face they want to see in the morning and reach out for you because they missed you while they slept right next to you.

Wouldn’t you rather spend time learning how to create the kind of attraction that makes someone miss you and want you whether you are there or not, than spend time counting how many days for your ex to miss you, or doing things to ‘make your ex miss you” that bring question to your character, maturity and emotional or mental stability?

I am not asking you to believe my words, I am asking you examine what you believe about relationships. I am asking you to ask yourself how you want to be loved.

In the scheme of things, we create our reality (and relationship experiences), by how we think, what we believe, what we say and what we do.

 

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