7 BIG Post-Breakup Mistakes To Avoid With Avoidant Exes

It would be nice to send your avoidant ex a text when you feel like it and talk about whatever you want without fear of pushing them further away. Chat for hours like you used to, laugh and be yourselves again.

All that is possible, but you have to work to get there and it starts with the very first texts you send an avoidant ex after the breakup. The early few texts to an avoidant are critical because they set the tone for how things move forward. They can give you access back into an avoidants world, life and feelings, or make an avoidant feel pressured, start an argument, bring up bad memories, trigger both of you and cause an avoidant to pull away, cut off all contact and/or block you.

You are not going to get every text right and even when you send the “right” text, there’s no guarantee an avoidant will not feel pressured or triggered. Instead of obsessing about every word and every sentence, follow these basic rules for avoiding texting pressure in the early stages of trying to get back together.

1. Don’t expect an avoidant to want to text every day all day

Most avoidants exes are distant and guarded in the early stages of trying to get them back. This doesn’t always mean they don’t want to talk to you, want you to leave them alone or want space. Some avoidants know that they want to be with you and that the relationship was relatively good, maybe even the best relationship they ever had, but want to take things at their pace and see if they feel safe to fully opening up the lines of communication.

To take away avoidants’ the worry about fully reopening the lines of communication and fear that you might want to text back and forth all the time, space out your reach outs based on if an ex is a fearful avoidant or a dismissive avoidant. The amount of back and forth texting will depend on the type of relationship you had, how you broke up, what happened after the breakup, and how much self-work an avoidant has done since the breakup.

2. Don’t question avoidant’s perception of what happened

Avoidants in general have a negative view of people they’re in a relationship with or have had a relationship with. So whatever your avoidant ex thinks of you, the relationship or the breakup is not always a true reflection of you or an accurate account of what happened. It’s their reality and experience, and that’s what’s true to them.

Don’t question their reality or try to set the record straight right away. That conversations will not go very far or end well. Instead pay attention to how they’re thinking and feeling. This will help you figure out how to emotionally connect without triggering them and/or stirring negative emotions. What you should be looking for is ways to start things off on a positive note and open more room for positive interaction and later on, a constructive discussion of what happened in the relationship or breakup.

3. Don’t over-apologize

When your first text is an apology, most avoidants don’t know what to do or how to respond. But if you really messed up, apologize anyways, but keep it very brief and only apologize for specific behaviour. Keep a longer apology for when an avoidant is more open and able to hear it.

Once they acknowledge or accept your apology, don’t keep apologizing like you expect a receipt. Research shows that when you over apologize, you actually come across as more at fault than if you don’t apologize at all.

Don’t give an avoidant the impression that you are more to blame and things are worse than they thought they were, or that you want to get something for your apology.

4. Don’t dismiss or invalidate an avoidant’s feelings or emotions

Whether they ended the relationship or you ended it, your avoidant ex is feeling some level of hurt from the relationship. They may feel that they were pressured, controlled, ignored, disrespected, unappreciated, unloved etc., and those feelings just don’t go away, even with no contact. An avoidant can suppress them, but unprocessed emotions have a way of finding their own way to the surface soon or later.

Don’t be upset that your avoidant ex is hurt or upset when you should be the one that’s hurt and upset. There’s enough room for both of you to feel hurt and upset. One person’s hurt doesn’t invalidate the other’s hurt. You will not be able to get to past the first text or few texts an avoidant when you act like a ‘victim” of the breakup who can’t see past their own pain.

The very first time an avoidant expresses hurt from the relationship or breakup, take responsibility for whatever they think you did to cause them hurt or make them feel unloved. A very brief n or two sentence apology “I’m sorry I….” without explanation or defensiveness will quickly de-escalate the situation and also give you the opportunity to later on to talk about what happened, properly apologize, ask for an apology etc., without either of you getting triggered.

5. Don’t talk about getting back together right off the start

I’ve had conversations with people who say, “I don’t want to waste my time on casual conversations” or “If they don’t want to talk about us/getting back together, I don’t want to talk to them”.

My experience is that people who want to get to talking about getting back together in the first text or few texts 1) were dumped because they are too “emotionally intense” or overwhelming for an avoidant and/or 2) haven’t accepted the breakup and trying to “undo” it.

Keep your first texts light, fun and easy flowing. If you don’t want to engage in casual conversations, find your own way of easing an avoidant into being comfortable with talking to you again. Hitting the ground running with “I want to get back together” will without fail push an avoidant further away.

6. Don’t bring up memories in the first few texts

Avoidants are not exactly the “reminiscing type”, and don’t respond well to memory-based priming techniques. Avoidant exes who invested in the relationship or feel they tried to be a good partner but weren’t appreciated or treated well don’t want to hear about how good things were. It’s like you’re glossing over all the other bad memories, or making it seem like your recollection of the relationship is more accurate than theirs.

It’s always best to test the waters and see how an avoidant actually feels about the old relationship and their memories of it before sending a reminiscing text. You may find that since the breakup, an avoidant ex doesn’t feel the same way about the good times you shared and/or doesn’t think you are the person they thought you were.

If possible, avoid talking about the old relationship until you’ve replaced negative memories of the old relationship with good positive ones (of the new budding relationship).

7. Don’t talk about what’s happening in your life in every text

Avoidants generally withdraw into themselves after the breakup, and to get them fully engaged again, you need to slowly get them out of their shell. You are not going to be able to do that talking about you and what’s going on in your life in every text.

As much as it hurts to hear this, when an avoidant is withdrawn into themselves, they’re not as interested in you and what’s going on in your life as they were when you were together. They’ll respond and be politely interested but not ask questions. In fact, the more you talk about yourself, the more emotionally closed off most avoidant exes will be.

What you need is some kind of access back into your avoidant ex’s world, life, emotions. So make sure that in the beginning, your reach outs/bids for connection are 80% about trying to emotionally connect with your avoidant ex on the things or people they care about (things they’re already emotionally invested in) and only 20% about you, at least until they start asking you questions about you and your life.

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