Question: I contacted my ex after 60 days of no contact and got no response.
I was blindsided by the breakup and immediately went 60-day no contact. I’d hoped that my ex would miss me and reach out but she never once contacted me once. After 60 days of no contact, I contacted my ex contact. I felt that enough time and space apart will be required for me and her to get a clear perspective, but she did not respond. I guess it must have been awkward getting a text from me after 6 days of no communication. So, I dropped her another text asking her to let me know of a convenient time so that I can talk to her briefly. It’s now 3 weeks and she still has not responded. I want to send her another text because at this point I feel it does not matter who initiates contact as reconciliation can only happen if there is respect and an honest attempt to communicate. But if she’s not responding how do we have honest communication?
Yangki’s Answer: Isn’t it ironic that you chose to do “no contact” instead of an honest attempt to communicate, and now complaining that she’s not open to having honest communication.
1) 60 days of no contact is too long
You are right that it does not matter who initiates contact and credit to you for making an attempt to reach out first even though she broke up with you. However, 60 days is too long to be gone out of someone’s life. A lot can happen in that time. The worst being that the other person gets “used” to not having you in their life. If they can “survive” 60 days with no contact or communication, they can live the rest of their life with no contact or communication with you.
Why would they want back someone who was a daily constant in their live, and when the relationship ended, just fell off the face of the earth, and for 60 days made no attempt to find out how they were. What if they were ill or needed a shoulder to cry on but were too afraid to reach out because they broke up with you?
2) 60-days no contact to get a clear perspective isn’t realistic
No contact to “a clear perspective” works only if the other person thinks they need a clear perspective. Most exes when they break up with you think they have a clear perspective of the relationship that’s why they’re ending it. Their perspective is that the relationship is not working for them, and they have their reasons, they don’t need any clearer perspective than that. Giving an ex enough time and space to get a clear perspective of the relationship also works only if they actually end up processing the break-up. Some attachment styles, specifically a dismissive avoidant very rarely process break-ups and therefore very rarely spend time trying to get a clearer perspective post-break-up. 60-days of no contact in these cases doesn’t provide any clearer perspective.
And sometimes exes don’t respond because their perspective is still the same as when the break-up happened.
3) Most exes don’t respond at 60 days of no contact
Most relationships end because of poor communication and/or no honest attempt to communicate. It’s unrealistic to expect 60 days of no contact to improve poor communication. 60 days with no contact will more likely create more distance and disconnection. Because of poor communication and/or no honest attempt to communicate before the break-up, your ex may have many questions and because here is no one to provide the answers, most exes fill in the blanks with their own storylines. Depending on your ex’s own storyline, you either come out looking more or less attractive. When you contact them after 60 days of no contact, they don’t respond. Without the answers to the questions they had, they convinced themselves you are not what they want.
There is also what other people (family, friends, therapist etc.,) say about you in your absence; which may not be true of you. Since you are in no contact, you are not there to defend yourself or set the record straight. When you re-appear after your “no contact”, everyone who matters to your ex has told your ex to move on. Even if they want you back, they will not respond because they’re afraid of what people will think of them. Who takes back someone who ignored them for 60 days and comes back acting like everything is cool?
These are all realities of “no contact” that most people either do not think about or don’t believe can happen!
You can try contacting her again, any respectful and honest desire to communicate is always a good start. But like I said, 60 days without contact is a very long time for most people! She may even already have someone else in her life. A real possible reality!