6 Reasons Avoidants Give Short Answers Like “OK”, “Sure”

Question: My avoidant ex replies to my texts with cold and distant short answers. Sometimes he responds with only emojis. Like yesterday I told him that I did not want us to fight any more and he immediately replied “ok”. I also told him it’d be better for us to start afresh, go out on dates and just hang out together as friends and he said “Sure”. Don’t get me wrong. I know he’s avoidant I am happy that he replies to text messages, and replies right away. But it still hurts because despite our arguments and fights, we really cared for each other. Now I don’ know if he cares. I’m even scared to reach out. Do you think that maybe I am being too sensitive? Should my responses should also be short?

Yangki’s Answer: I don’t think you’re being too sensitive. When someone who once cared acts like they don’t care, it hurts whatever your attachment style.

Short answers can mean different things. For example, if you are texting something that requires more than one- or two-word answers; and all you are getting is one word and they’re responding right away; it means they are probably preoccupied, or busy with something preventing them from focusing on your text.

If your ex’s responses are short all the time, then yes. It’s a sign they are not interested. They may be still interested in getting back together but not interested in the topic of the conversation. It could also mean you’re not emotionally connecting with whatever you are contacting them about. The interest may be there, but the subject matter isn’t clicking.

In this particular case, the examples you gave may have a clue as to  why an avoidant might respond the way he responded. Both examples are you trying to convince him to give the relationship another chance or at least keep an open mind about it. He replies to those two questions in particular could mean he’s:

1. Guarded

He is trying not to commit to anything probably because he’s not convinced that you will follow through on both not fighting any more or starting afresh.

2. Angry or holds resentment

Either he’s guarded or being passive aggressive in his responses. It’s possible that because you fought quite a bit, he may still be angry or hurt by the fights. Replying with cold and distant short answers is his way of letting you know he holds some resentment.

3. Trying to avoid a fight 

He may be trying not to say the wrong things to avoid getting into a fight. He’s saying what he thinks you want to hear to avoid an argument or long drawn conversation about it.

4. Doesn’t know what to say

Avoidants compared to anxiously attached are slow to process attachment-related information and may not know what to say, so he says ok. He had the opportunity to say, “I don’t want to get back together”, but he didn’t say that.

5. Being polite

He could be responding out of politeness and doesn’t want to hurt you by telling you directly that he may not want a relationship or doesn’t think the relationship can work.

6. Doesn’t care

As hard as it is to accept, there’s a chance that maybe he just doesn’t care. They’re not putting in any effort to communicate because they have no intentions of taking things any further.

Should your responses also be short? Like you said yourself, they’re replying and replying immediately. They don’t owe you a response, they want to reply. That means something. Just make sure you are not sending paragraphs for two-word answers. You’ll come across as trying too hard and it can be a turn off.

My suggestion is if this continues, directly ask him if you he doesn’t want you to contact him anymore. If he asks why, be honest about how you feel about his responses.

Although it sometimes triggers them when you express how their behaviour and actions affect you, avoidants in general appreciate clear and direct communication that’s not confrontational, accusatory and/or too emotional. You may even find that the short replies have nothing to do with you. They’re distracted or stressed about something and instead of deactivating and not responding at all, they’re low-effort responding thinking they’re at least trying and don’t know how you feel.

If he acts up because you you told him how you felt and were not confrontational, accusatory and/or too emotional when you did, then he really doesn’t care.

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