6 Protest Behaviours That Make Avoidants Afraid To Reconnect

When you’re frustrated, upset or angry, instead of communicating our needs, feelings, frustration, or when you’re hurting and you’re trying to reconnect with an ex, it’s tempting to try to force or manipulate the other person into doing what you want them to do– especially if you think that they won’t give it to you any other way.

The unpleasant, disruptive and explosive behaviours that are intended to get what you want from them is what is called protest behaviour. Protest behaviours can be aggressive or passive aggressive, but the driving motivation is the same, “get back” at someone for how we feel or how something they’re doing is making us feel anxious, afraid, angry, unsafe, dysregulated etc.

Protest behaviour increases avoidants’ relational threat level

When trying to get back with an avoidant, protest behavior is anything you do to protest the distance between you. This includes:

1. Emotional stress

Incessant texting, calling, sending angry texts, emotional drama etc. all designed to cause extreme emotional distress in someone and make them given in or give up resistance.

2. Aggression

Lashing out or emotional outburst in the hope getting reassurance, pushing their buttons, intentionally violating boundaries, starting unnecessary arguments or fights, name calling, cursing out, and behaviours intended to cause as much hurt as we think they’re inflicting on us.

3. Punitive silence

Ignoring texts, silent treatment, not taking calls, unfriending an ex, blocking access on social media, changing a phone number and generally withholding attention, care or affection with the hope that the other person will miss us, gives in to what we want or will chase or fight for us.

4. Emotional manipulation

Playing mind games to try to get back in touch, trying to make someone jealous in an attempt to make them realize our worth and miss us, posting photos showing you’re happy without them in an attempt to devalue their worth, gaslighting, giving ultimatums, threatening to walk away hoping they’ll beg you to not do so etc.

5. Physical threat

Showing up at an ex’s home, workplace or stalk them on social media. In some extreme cases it may lead to physically harming an ex or cause harm to someone they care about.

6. Bribery

Gift-giving usually to try to an ex convince them to stay, take you back or remind them of how much you love them (kind of like “buying love”), sexual favours, sexting, sending nudes or engaging in sex for attention or reassurance.

Protest behavior usually makes avoidant exes stay away

To you, these behaviours can feel like prove of your love and you are doing all these things – even as unhealthy as they are – because you love your avoidant ex, But to an avoidant ex protest behaviour feels like pressure, drama, emotional overwhelm. It confirms this everything avoidants fear about relationships and makes them feel justified staying away or not wanting to reconnect.

Even if they missed you, protest behaviour makes reconnection feel risky. It makes wonder if it’s safe to come back. What they see is someone who (still) doesn’t respect their boundaries and doesn’t care how their behaviours and actions affect them.

They now associating you with emotional intensity, unpredictability, threat and danger – even if this is not how they felt about you before. If they were thinking about reconnecting, now it feels unsafe to reconnect or come back.

Every protest behaviour—no matter how well-meaning, the more you protest, the more they want to stay as far away from you as possible.

So, if you want them to feel safe or consider reconnecting or coming back, the most important thing you can do is lower their emotional threat level.

RELATED:

Protest Behaviours Work – But Also Push Avoidants Too Far

What Happens When You Ignore A Fearful Avoidant Ex?

What Happens When You Ignore A Dismissive Avoidant Ex?

Why Dismissive Avoidants Push You Away (What to Do)