6 Breakup Trauma Responses You’ll See In An Avoidant Ex

All human beings have inbuilt automatic reactions to threat or danger, but when these normal and natural reactions are filtered through traumatic experiences, it changes our sense of safety and security and our ability to regulate our emotions in a healthy way. Instead of the inbuilt automatic reactions to threat or danger, we respond from trauma.

This all happens often below our awareness. All we know is that we have for example, difficulty expressing our feelings or keeping a conversation flowing, or we always end up in arguments and conflict no matter how hard we try not to or how well-meaning our intentions are.

Trauma-informed communication recognizes that most of the time, a trauma response has less to do with what’s actually happening and more to do with your trauma reacting to what’s happening. Being aware of your own trauma responses can help you actively engage with what is actually happening, have more positive interactions and minimize situations that lead to a cycle of escalation and conflict.

Trauma-informed communication can also helps you 1) recognize when your ex is communicating from trauma, 2) be able to hold space for their experience with understanding and empathy, and 3) respond in a way that leads to more positive and meaningful interactions.

Below are the 6 trauma responses you and your ex will experience post- breakup and when trying to get back together.

1) FIGHT

An ex responding with a fight response is resisting or challenging what is happening. They have a hard time accepting the current reality and may even recognize their role in creating it but refuse to accept what’s happening.

What an ex experiencing a fight response is most afraid of not doing anything to change the current reality (i.e. undo the breakup or fix things). Consciously they know that their words and actions may be pushing you away but they can’t help themselves. They feel like they have to do something, anything even if it violates your boundaries or hurts them.

Communication behaviours of an ex experiencing a fight response: Highly emotional, agitated, impatient, defensive, pushy, confrontational, antagonistic, argumentative, uncompromising, impulsive.

2) FLIGHT

An ex person responding with a flight response is avoiding dealing with what’s happening. They create distance to avoid thinking about it, suppress emotions and feelings related to it, refuse to talk about it, avoid an ex and even avoid contact to the point of blocking an ex .

What an ex experiencing a flight response is most afraid of is feeling overwhelmed, not being able to cope or handle the stressful situation. Even an ex who is leaving the door open will keep a distance because there are too many unknowns and the potential to be overwhelmed.

Communication behaviours of an ex experiencing a flight response: Unresponsive, guarded, uncomfortable, practical rather than emotional, defensive, insensitive/blunt, is easily irritable, becomes unresponsive or abruptly ends conversations.

3) FREEZE

An ex responding with a freeze response is numb and disconnected from what’s happening. On one hand, they feel emotionally and mentally stuck and want to feel something but has no idea what to do. And on the other hand, they feel that given what’s happening/happened, it’s probably better not to feel anything.

What an ex experiencing a freeze response is most afraid of is not being able to defend themselves. Most of the time their brains draw blank, but even when they want to say something, they can’t speak up because it feels like anything they say or do will get them into trouble – and they can’t defend themselves.

Communication behaviours of someone experiencing a freeze response: cold/stoic, distracted, overly calm even in a stressful situation, indifferent, unconcerned, unresponsive and withdrawn.

4) FAWN

An ex responding with a fawn response is using excessive agreeableness to deal with what’s happening. They say and do things, and make obvious and silent sacrifices in an attempt to make themselves seem loving, caring, interesting etc., and make an ex feel safe with them.

What an ex experiencing a fawn response is most afraid of is upsetting or offending an ex. Outwardly they appear positive and eager to please but internally they’re confused, sad, scared, resentful and even angry.

Communicating behaviours of an ex experiencing a fawn response: Too nice, grovels, flatters, overshares, apologizes excessively, defensive, uses excessive humour even when not appropriate, is unable to hold a deep and meaningful conversation and may freeze when asked for more action and less talk.

5) FLOP

An ex responding with a flop response is resigned to what is happening. They feel powerless and helpless and perceive the situation as unescapable and too difficult. They lay low or take no action hoping that things will resolve themselves on their own.

What an ex experiencing a flop response is most afraid of is failure or putting in effort and it not making a difference or

working out. They’d rather blame their failure on not trying than try and fail.

Communication behaviours of an ex experiencing a flop response: Long periods of no contact, waits for an ex to make the first move and do most of reaching out, low-energy, low-effort, negative and pessimistic outlook, plays the victim, frequent emotional breaks down and panic attacks.

6) FLOCK/FOLLOW

An ex responding with a flock response is using other people to deal with what’s happening. They feel that they can’t handle things on their own and need others or information that validates their experience and how they’re feeling and/or confirms their existing beliefs.

What an ex experiencing a flock response is most afraid of is not being taken seriously. They’ll repeatedly quote or mention what others (friend//family/therapist/community forum) said because they feel that it gives more weight or value to what they’re saying, asking for or communicating.

Communication behaviours of an ex experiencing a flock response: Quick to anger, no thoughts or opinions of their own, uses the same sentences, phrases and words over and over, defensive, inflexible, and constantly devalues the relationship or an ex’s experience.

Trauma-informed communication can change your experience and dynamics

When you understand that your reactions and your ex’s reaction have less to do with what’s actually happening and more to do with your trauma reacting to what’s happening, your thinking shifts from “what’s wrong with me?” to “why am I feeling what I feel?”,  and from “why are you doing this to me?” to “what is happening to you that you are reacting the way you are reacting?”. This simple shift in thinking will change how you feel about what’s happening and how you approach conversation about it.

It’s important to point out that trauma responses have a strong link to our attachment style – e.g. people with an anxious attachment style and fearful avoidants mostly respond with fight, fawn and flock responses. Dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants mostly respond with flight and freeze responses, and fearful avoidants are more likely to experience a flop response – but all attachment styles can experience all the 6 trauma responses at different points, for different reasons and in different situations.

RELATED:

Why Fawning Makes Avoidant Exes Angry (And Avoid You)

Avoidant Ex Feels Numb – Should You be Concerned?

Fearful Avoidant Ex Seems Like A Different Person