5 Ways A Fearful Avoidant May Be Sabotaging Reconnection

All insecure attachment styles — anxious attachment, fearful avoidant attachment and dismissive avoidant attachment styles — sabotage relationships in some form or another. But it’s more common for fearful avoidants to sabotage a relationship because fearful avoidants often have a more conflicted relationship with themselves — and with attachment itself.

Self sabotage is ingrained in the fearful avoidant attachment system

Someone who learned about love from a parent(s) or caregiver who was a source of happiness and source of fear learns that:

• Relationships is a source of both comfort and anxiety/stress.
• You’re never good enough or worthy of consistent attention and affection.
• You can never know what to expect from someone you love.
• It’s okay to want love but you should be wary and very careful because you will get hurt.
• People who say they love you will take advantage of you; manipulate you, use you and/or abuse you if you are not careful.
• If you show someone that you love them and need them, they’ll use that against you.
• It’s okay to hide some information to avoid a negative outcome (e.g. rejection or being punished).

When you understand that a fearful avoidant’s self sabotage goes much deeper, you start to see that they’re not intentionally trying to hurt you. You also understand why they keep doing things that hurt the relationship and hurt them. like push you to breakup with them then come back wanting to get back together.

Over the years, I’ve listened to people who were affected by a fearful avoidant’s tendency to self-sabotage and talked to fearful avoidants themselves, and these five ways fearful avoidant sabotage relationship — and often reconnection as well — stand out.

1.  Half-truths and direct lies

Being vague, offering few details, speaking in incomplete sentences and misrepresenting who they’re are, where they were or whom they were with are some of the ways fearful avoidants self sabotage right from the start of a relationship.

And even though this behaviour is more of a self-protective mechanism than malicious intent, it feels like the same thing when you’re on the receiving end of the unclear, ambiguous and mixed signals. It makes you wonder what else they’re “lying” about.

I’ve talked to some fearful avoidants who are aware that they’re “lying” or hiding something even when they have no reason to, and they say sometimes the consequence of telling the truth or revealing who they really are is much scarier. Being fully honest means risking judgment, criticism, rejection, conflict or punishment.

The sabotage is that this form of self-protection creates mistrust. Instead of making the relationship feel safer, it creates uncertainty and makes you question whether you can rely on them.

2. Chronic negativity 

This can show up as constantly focusing on what is wrong, expecting the worst, questioning their partner’s intentions, dismissing positive moments, or finding reasons why the relationship will eventually fail.

Although it may look like they are simply venting or being cautious, it’s actually deeper. By focusing on the negative aspect of the situation, flaws and potential problems, they feel less vulnerable to being surprised by it when it finally happens. They can create emotional distance and convince themselves they are protecting against future hurt.

The sabotage is when chronic negativity changes the emotional environment of the relationship or reconnection. You become emotionally exhausted from constantly absorbing negativity — constant venting, complaining, future-dooming or repeatedly pointing out problems without moving toward solutions.

3. Mind game playing

The sabotage often begins with doubts and uncertainty about the relationship:

• Do you truly love them?
• Are they with the right person?
• Are you with them for the right reasons?
• Are you compatible?
• Do you want the same things?
• Is the relationship moving too fast?
• Can they see a future with you?

Instead of communicating these fears openly, fearful avoidants create situations to see how you respond, pull away to see if you pursue them, or focus on small details and minor issues as evidence that something is wrong.

Over time, these tests and doubts can create tension in the relationship. You begin to feel like you’re constantly being made to jump loops to prove your love, or pass a test you did not know you were taking.

Sometimes, the constant questioning, testing and searching for reasons why the relationship may not work can create enough instability that one day they explode, stop responding or withdraw completely.

This slows progress, and prevents the things from becoming deeper or more serious.

4. Hiding you

They keep you separate from important parts of their life. They don’t introduce you to their friends or family, don’t acknowledge the relationship publicly, avoid posting pictures of you on social media — and sometimes don’t even want to be seen with you in public.

Yet privately, they express deep love, commitment and even describe the relationship as something meaningful and special. You genuinely feel loved by them, but still struggle to understand why they don’t want the people closest to them to know you are talking again or together.

Keeping the relationship hidden is often a fearful avoidant’s way to protect themselves from the risks that come with making the relationship more real. As long as the relationship remains private, they feel they can control it.

It’s also their way of shielding themselves from judgement or criticism from friends and family.

But by hiding the fact that they’re talking to you or that they may actually be considering getting back together, they are preventing the connection from fully developing into a full relationship.

Most people, when not acknowledged or kept a secret feel rejected and unimportant. This creates resentment and emotional disconnection.

5. Multiple sexual partners

You’d think that people who have a fear of closeness and intimacy will not engage in dating simultaneously or engaging in multiple concurrent romantic or sexual relationships. But for fearful avoidants, it can be a way to sabotage the relationship: If they make you walk away, then they do not have to wait and wonder when it will happen.

They start to feel deep feelings for you or get scared that if they come back, they’ll get hurt, so:

• They openly flirt with other people or engage in superficial connection to provoke jealousy. Over time your jealousy becomes the issue, and not their flirting or provoking jealousy.
• They go have sex with someone else (or multiple people) and act like they don’t know that what they’re doing is wrong, or they don’t think it’s not a big deal.

When you call them out, they’ll in a matter-of-fact-way tell you “it means nothing”, “it was just sex” or some other reason that makes you think:

• Then why do it if it means nothing to you?
• Why put the the relationship at risk with someone you say you don’t even care about?

Many keep flirting, having multiple romantic connections or cheating until you decide you can’t take it anymore and walk away. A fearful avoidant is then not suprised you left because, in their mind, you were going to leave at some point anyway.

How these behaviours affect reconnection and getting back together

If you’re not aware that these behaviours are forms of self-sabotage, it’s easy to misinterpret it as proof that your fearful avoidant ex doesn’t want to get back together or even never wanted to get back together in the first place.

You may react by giving up, becoming defensive, confronting them aggressively or matching their behaviour, all of which can reinforce the very cycle that is undermining the reconnection process.

What helps is understanding that these behaviours do not automatically mean a fearful avoidant does not love you or does not want the relationship. In fact, many fearful avoidants sabotage relationships they genuinely care about because the relationship has become emotionally significant.

Sometimes, their self-sabotage has nothing to do with the wanting to get back together, but with the fact that their attachment system is wired to self-sabotage.

And until they themselves recognize this pattern in their relationships, they will continue repeating the same behaviours regardless of how much they love someone, how compatible they are, or how much they want the relationship to work.

RELATED:

Fearful Avoidant Wanted YOU To Breakup (Self-Sabotage)

How Do I Give My Avoidant Ex Space? (And How Much Space)

How A Fearful Avoidant Ex Comes Back – A Detailed Analysis

Fearful Avoidant Ex Left The Door Open Should I Reach Out?