5 Top Reasons Your Ex Is Contacting You Now

Question: My ex-girlfriend says it’s over and there is no chance for us but she is still calling me and says things like it’s a shame it turned out like this and I saw you today and you looked sad. Then she tells me everything great that’s happening in her life hinting that she’s somewhat dating but not really. It has been dragging on for about 8 weeks which is since the time we broke up. The relationship had problems that we couldn’t resolve and she decided it was better to break up. She obviously knows how bad I’m hurting and that there is no point in contacting me since nothing is ever going to work between us. I can’t for the goodness of me figure out what exactly she is hoping to gain by these phone calls other than prolong my misery. I just don’t get it. Why doesn’t she stop calling me so I can get over her and move on with my life?

Yangki’s Answer: There’s really no telling what’s on her mind. It could be any one or more of these reasons:

1) To see if you still love her, still care or are interested in a relationship.

2) She may be feeling guilty for breaking up with you, doesn’t want you to hate her for it and trying to be your “friend” the best way she knows how.

3) For her own ego reasons (to see if she still has a certain effect on you).

4) She is using you as her “security blanket” to shield her from feelings of loneliness until someone else comes along.

5) She thinks she’s offering you the opportunity to try to get her back.  This may be why she hints that she’s somewhat dating but not really (translation: I’m still available but it may not be for long).

These are all possibilities. She is the only one who really knows why she’s doing what she does. But whatever her reasons are, you acting like a reluctant victim strikes me as either someone who doesn’t want this to stop or someone who has always let her have her way and won’t stand up for yourself and what you want.

The first place to start is getting honest with yourself. Do you really want her to stop contacting you or just frustrated that she has not come out straight and told you that she wants you back – or at least given you clear signals that say she wants you back?

If you’re serious about wanting her to stop calling you so you can get over her and move on with your life, then be straight forward with her and just tell her you would appreciate if she ceased all contact so you can move on. The other option — which in my humble opinion is juvenile – is to let her messages go to the answering machine.

No doubt “getting over her and moving on” is a whole lot difficult than it sounds. But if that’s what you want to do, the earlier you start the better for you. If you just let her have her way with you “against your will”, you’ll become more miserable, angry and disgusted with yourself as time goes on.

If on the other hand, you want her back, then I suggest you stop this “why is she doing this to me?!” victim mentality and get down to working on a plan/strategy to get her back while she’s still “somewhat dating but not really”. If you wait too long, she may decide you’re over her and have moved on.  Even then it’ll still be possible to get her back but it’ll require more planning, effort and time when she’s with someone else.

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49 Comments

  • Love Doctor, my ex broke up with me 9 months ago. I made a mistake and went on a txt message binge. I also emailed and called him so many times. After a while I just stopped. He never contacted me and I never contacted him. Monday, one before this last one, he contacted me, and left a message for me to give him a call. I called and we decided we can be friends since we still care about each other. We agreed to meet the next day and from the time we met he was all over me and touching me and kissing me and told me he missed me. We fooled around but no sex. Later that night he called saying seeing me made him realize how much he misses me, and asked if he can come over. I said no. The morning after I sent him a text but haven’t from him for 5 days. Does he still love me or want to get back to together? Should I continue talking to him? Please help.

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    • I don’t know if he still loves you or not, but from his actions it does seem like his contacting you was all about sex. First he agrees to being friends, then he’s all over you as soon as he sees you, then later in the night he makes a booty call and when you turn him down he disappears!

      Whether you keep contact or not is up to you but if you do, don’t do so with the false hope that the reason he made contact was because he wants you back. Someone who wants you back does not act the way your ex is acting.

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  • Yangki, my ex contacted me after 2 years of no contact. He has not directly said he wants me back but he keeps bringing up how we used to be before he cheated. I am torn, should I maintain some form of contact or should I ignore his texts?

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    • Whether to maintain contact or not is up to how you feel about him coming back into your life after 2 years of no contact.

      In case you decide to continue contact, proceed very cautiously. It’s so easy to go with your emotions but you don’t know why he’s back after so long, or if he’s changed at all.

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  • Yangki, I see that you are against ‘no contact’ , my question to you is, what alternative do you offer? It’s not enough to be against something but offer no alternative.

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    • This site is THE alternative to ‘no contact’ sites out there. I also have an eBook that offers an alternative to ‘no contact’, and I offer coaching for those looking for an alternative to ‘no contact’. Gosh! I am THE alternative to no-contact coach!

      If you are indeed looking for an alternative to ‘no contact’, it’d help you to spend a little bit more time reading as many articles as you can. I have a feeling you’ll like what you learn… 😉

      “Love comes more naturally to the human heart, than it’s opposite”… Nelson Mandela.

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  • I broke up with my ex and he went NC for 4 weeks. After 4 weeks I contacted him, we talked and got back together but he broke up with me. I’ve been NC for 2 weeks but he has been texting me every other day asking me how I am doing or for random things. I haven’t responded because I don’t want to break the NC rule. Should I tell him to stop contacting me?

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