Remember those first dates when you and your now ex couldn’t stop texting and calling each other?
You clicked on every level… were interested in the same things, laughed at the same jokes, and wanted to know everything that happened to the other.
Now it feels like your ex doesn’t want to talk to you. He/she barely replies to your texts, and takes time to call you back. And when he/she responds, there is no emotion or passion there anymore. Even when you try to bring up the things that used to make both of you laugh, he/she doesn’t seem interested.
Just the thought of contacting your ex makes you anxious. You don’t know what to say to him/her anymore.
Reconnecting and engaging with your ex whether by text, phone call or face-to-face is a learned skill, and takes practice. These quick tips will help you get started on the right footing.
Tip # 1 – Approach communication with your ex as if you were meeting someone new for the first time. Start from “hello….”
Men and women who try to “get things back to how it used to be” have a harder time communicating with their ex. Most don’t get their ex back because they tried too hard to re-create the relationship that they had. They wanted things to go back to “normal”, but because nothing is “normal” with an ex situation, they ended up pushing their ex away.
Accept that that relationship has ended, and start from there.
Tip # 2 – Text or call when your ex is more likely to be receptive.
The time of the day or day of the week you text, call or ask to see your ex makes a huge difference in terms of whether you’ll get a response or not, and if that response will be positive and warm, or cold and distant.
Early morning texts, calling your ex at work, late night calls, and weekend calls may be something you want to avoid or keep at minimal, at least until things pick up.
Tip # 3 – Reach out to him/her on an emotional level.
This is probably the hardest part of getting back your ex. A break-up means there is a disconnection in the flow of something between you and your ex. For some it’s communication, others it’s passion, trust, liking etc.
To re-connect, you have to actually make the effort to create the flow of whatever has been lost. There can be no flow if there is no continuous or sustained effort.
In other words, a connection is not something you can attain in one great conversation or one amazing date. It has to be continuous over a period of time.
IMPORTANT: Making an emotional connection is not the same as “showing emotion” or being emotional (about it). It’s about connecting with the emotions your ex is feeling when he/she is feeling them. This website has many articles on making that emotional connection, that’s so vital to getting your ex back.
Tip # 4 – Have no expectations, and if you do, be flexible.
No question about it, getting a positive response from your ex can be the highlight of your day. But if you are needy and clingy (or have a history of over-texting, calling etc), it is tempting to want that “feeling” of being wanted, needed, admired, listened to, paid attention to etc, a little too much.
What trips many men and women is that they actually think that “contacting their ex” is THE problem. So they focus too much on “contact” (when, how, how many times etc).
Here is the thing, you can contact your ex once a week or once a month, but if they feel that you want more (attention, time, space etc) from them than they can give you or are willing to give, you are still needy a far as your ex is concerned.
In other words, “needy” is NOT about the NUMBER of times you contact your ex. “Needy” is about how much of their time, attention, affection, space etc your ex is able, capable of or willing to give to you. If your ex feels “good” about giving you his/her time, attention, affection, space etc, you can contact him/her a thousand times a day, and he/she will not think or feel that you are needy.
Sometimes, your ex will want more contact and even initiate most of it, and sometimes, he/she will want less contact — and that’s perfectly okay.
Tip # 5– Be interested, warm and friendly.
While it’s important to be open about what you’re thinking, feeling, what you want, your fears, and worries etc, focusing too much on yourself is a major turn off for most people.
Be attentive and listen to not just to what your ex is saying, but also to what he/she is not saying. This goes back to approaching communication with your ex as if you were meeting someone new for the first time. Show understanding and appreciation for his/her feelings, viewpoint, state of mind, style of communication etc, and be genuinely interested in what is happening in his/her life, especially the “new” things that have taken place since the break-up.
The more genuinely interested you are, the more it feels like you are on the same wavelength.
A word of caution. Most exes are overly sensitive to grand romantic gestures of interest in them. Confessions of undying love or commitment, expensive gifts, relocating, asking your ex to get back together in the very initial stages will make your ex uncomfortable about contact with you, and may scare him/her off compltely.
Tip # 6 -Be open and genuine.
This is NOT the time to be playing silly mind games. Mind games only confuse your ex about your true intentions. Even worse, they might actually turn your ex off.
Being open and honest communicates goodwill.
Tip # 7 – Stay positive
Keeping positive when you feel like you are being constantly rejected can be an ongoing challenge, but a positive attitude is exactly what you need.
If you don’t get the response you want, look forward to “next time”.
The goal is to connect with your ex and get him/her thinking, feeling, and involved again. Once you have him/her ACTIVELY engaged again — you’re again clicking on every level, interested in the same things, laughing at the same jokes, and wanting to know everything that happened to the other, then you can start ACTIVELY trying to get him/her back.
Until them, asking your ex to get back together will very likely get you “no”, “not now” or “not ever!”.
For more information and examples on re-connecting with your ex in ways that spark feelings of attraction, liking and love, refer to my eBook: Dating Your Ex.