8 Signs Your Avoidant Ex Is Not Ready to Let You Go

Question: What are the signs my avoidant ex doesn’t want to let me go?

I feel that my ex doesn’t want to let me go. He says things that give me hope. I don’t know if I hear what I want to hear and there is not hope. We have been broken for 4 months. I know you can’t predict the future. I am just wondering if in your experience there are any signs an avoidant doesn’t want to let you go. How do I know they’re not yet done with me?

Yangki’s Answer: You are right, I can’t predict the future (I wish I could). Even with my experience, sometimes I think there is hope and things don’t turn out well; and other times I think there is no hope and voila! Love does it’s thing.

Like many avoidants — and more specifically fearful avoidant exes — your ex may not be ready to reconnect, but they are also not ready to let go you go yet.

Fearful avoidant exes can live in that in-between space for a while; not moving forward with you, but not fully moving on either.  And sometimes they never completely let go at all. The emotional bond remains strong but reconnecting is off the table.

Here are the 8 common signs an avoidant is not ready to let you go.

1) They want to stay in contact (and/or hang out)

It doesn’t matter that in the initial stages your ex is not initiating contact. If they are engaged and participating in the conversation after you initiate it, it means there is a part of your ex that still wants you to be a part of their life and is not ready to let you go.

When an avoidant truly wants to move on, they create distance. They keep conversations short, they stop responding, or they make it clear that staying in contact is not a good idea.

An avoidant who continues to reply, asks questions, laughs, shares things about their life, or agrees to see you from time to time is keeping the connection between you alive.

2) They say they still have feelings for you

Saying that they lstill have feelings for you alone doesn’t mean much because an ex can still have feelings for you and even still love you but not believe the relationship can work.

But if an avoidant is not saying you will never get back together and has mentioned a few times that “you never know” what may happen in the future, it means they have not let go of the possibility that the two of you could find your way back to each other.

Avoidants often keep possibilities open when they are not ready to make a final decision. It’s not much to go by, but it does tell you that they have not emotionally closed the door.

3) They want to take things slow

An avoidant ex telling you they want to take things slow is a sign they have not let go. But “taking things slow” must be accompanied by actions that show they want a new and better relationship than the one you had.

For example:

• They start initiating contact.
• There is increased communication between the two of you.
• They begin opening up emotionally and letting you back in.
• They acknowledge and appreciate the changes you have made or are making.
• They include you in things they see themselves doing in the future (travel plans, personal milestones, events, etc.).

Without actions, “taking things slow” can simply mean they want to keep you close as an option.

4) They check in and ask you how you are

One of the most common behaviours of avoidant exes who are not ready to let go is the occasional check-in message. It might be a casual “Hey, how have you been?”, sending you something that reminded them of you, reacting to something on social media, or asking about something going on in your life.

These small contacts may seem insignificant, but they usually mean that and avoidant does not want to completely lose connection with you. They are making sure the line between the two of you is still open.

For avoidants, this is often their way of staying emotionally connected without fully re-entering the relationship.

5) They’re curious about your life

An ex who is truly ready to move on rarely wants detailed updates about your life.

If your ex asks questions about what you are doing, how things are going for you, whether you are seeing someone new, or what has changed in your life since the breakup, it usually means they are still emotionally invested in some way.

Curiosity often signals that they are still mentally and emotionally tracking your life.

6) They’re not dating anyone or looking

An avoidant ex who has not let go of the possibility of the two of you getting back together is often reluctant to pursue a relationship with someone else.

Even if they are ready to date again and may go out on dates, if they spend more time talking to you or confiding in you than they do the person they are dating, it usually means they are not ready to let you go.

7) They allow themselves to be vulnerable with you

Avoidants generally struggle with vulnberabity and rarely give access to their emotional world to someone they don’t see you as important in their life.

So if an avoidant still shares personal struggles with you, asks for your advice, or reaches out when something significant happens in their life, it means they still see you as someone important in their emotional world.

8) They allow you continued access to the people closest to them

This is especially the case if your ex has young children and they developed an attachment to you. Most responsible parents will not introduce a new partner into their children’s lives until an ex is completely out of the picture. Allowing their children to continue a relationship with you usually means they are not ready to fully replace you or introduce someone new.

The same can apply to close friends or family members. If your ex is comfortable with you remaining part of that circle, it often means they have not fully let go of your place in their life.

When does one know when to give up and move on?

Some of these behaviours mean there may still be hope that one day you will get back together. Others simply mean that, for now, your ex is not ready to fully close the door on the relationship.

The important thing to understand is that not letting go is not the same as actively trying to get back together. Some avoidant exes – both fearful avoidants and dismissive avoidants can keep you in their life while still avoiding the effort that rebuilding a relationship requires.

So pay attention not just to whether an avoidaant ex is holding on, but how they are holding on. How they are holding on — not whether they’re not ready to let go — is a better indicator of whether the connection between you is slowly moving toward rebuilding the relationship or simply staying suspended in limbo; until they’re ready to let you go.

RELATED:

Fearful Avoidant Ex Misses You But Is Still Hurt And Confused

Ways Dismissive Avoidants Lure You Into False Safety

Is There Progress Or Is Your Avoidant Ex Stringing You Along?