When someone comes to me asking for help getting their ex back, one of the things I look for is if there was strong emotional bond. A strong emotional bond with your ex means that enough time had been spent creating an emotionally safe relationship.
Many people are quick to say there is a strong emotional bond with their ex. But when I ask a few questions, we both quickly realize that the emotional bond is weak or wasn’t there at all. Not much attention had been paid to creating a safe environment for a strong emotional bond to develop. And sometimes there wasn’t enough time to create a strong emotional bond with their ex. The relationship moved too fast and ended quickly too.
When the emotional bond between two people is weak, it usually shows
While the relationship may seem stable – and even exciting and passionate on the surface, the emotional safety needed for open and honest communication, trust, respect, and even liking may be missing.
Nowhere does lack of an emotional bond and emotional safety show more than when two people go through a a break-up; especially just before, during and soon after a break-up.
Where the emotional bond between two people is weak, the first casualty of the break-up is communication.
1) No communication
Communication is almost non-existent before and during the break-up. After the break-up, it just seems redundant to stay in contact.
2) Dysfunctional communication
Communication before the break-up is mainly arguments, fighting and yelling. During the break-up, there is bad feelings and animosity; and after the break-up the same pattern dysfunctional communication continues until one person shuts is down with cutting off all lines of communication.
A break-up where there’s strong emotional connection with your ex is different
When the emotional bond is strong, two people talk over their issues; sometimes for days and even weeks before finally breaking up. Neither person is ready to suddenly cut off communication because there is no reason to. They find it painful to just break away and act like they never knew each other.
After the break-up four things are likely to happen:
- Both people agree to remain friends
- One person asks for a little space to grieve with a definite time to reconnect
- Both people agree to keep the lines of communication with no labels or expectations
- One people still wants to work on the relationship and there is an agreement to see where things go.
When trying to get back together, a strong emotional bond with your ex may be the deciding factor.
It goes without saying that no relationship is perfect, and there are varying degrees of emotional bonds. See how you answer these five questions. Zero being “never” and ten being “all the time”. Be completely honest with yourself, it doesn’t do you any good lying to yourself.
1. Did you both feel safe enough to tell each other everything (your inner thoughts and feelings) holding nothing back?
2. Was there a strong desire (on both sides) to share your ideas, thoughts, and interests with the other; and were you able to build on each other’s ideas, and thoughts to a point where you always felt that you both wanted what’s best for yourselves and for each other?
3. Did you both have the feeling that the other was emotionally invested and making enough effort to nurture the relationship?
4. Did you trust your ex and did they believe that you were honest, trustworthy and had no hidden agenda?
5. When you had a disagreement or fight; did you communicate honestly, forgive yourselves and each other, and talk about what you learned from the experience and move on?
Congratulations, if you feel good about your answers. You’re already half way to getting your ex back.
If your responses leave you feeling like you didn’t do enough to create safe environment for a strong bond with your ex to develop; this is where you start trying to attract back your ex. If your ex doesn’t feel emotionally safe to return to the relationship, nothing will work.