5 Reasons To Maintain Contact With Your Ex

Communication is one of the top causes, if not, “the” top cause of break-ups. It’s no surprise that “communicating with your ex” is one of the biggest challenges post break-up– and also the most polarizing when it comes to how to get one’s ex back. Some people believe no communication will make their ex miss them and want to come back. Others, like myself, believe communication is crucial to the continuity of any relationship.

Good communication is the glue that holds a relationship together; without communication there is really no relationship.

The easiest way to send a message that you do not want a relationship with someone is to cut off lines of communication. But if you want a relationship of any kind, it is imperative that you have some kind of communication for the relationship to continue or survive.

Communication is even more important post break-up because:

1. Break-ups leave lingering feelings suspicion, mistrust and tension – particularly when things haven’t been going well for a while. The message you send by blocking communication is that the relationship is un- salvageable. That message is louder and clearer if poor communication was what caused the break-up in the first place.

2. After a break-up, things simply are not what they appear to be – even if you think you know your ex. Loss of communication means that you are disconnected from each other and from what’s happening in each other’s lives. The longer you stay away, the more disconnected the two of you become. You become “strangers” to each other.

3. Willingness to keep the lines of communication open in unpleasant situations is a sign of mental strength and emotional maturity. It shows you are secure within yourself. So while “No Contact” helps you avoid misunderstandings and potentially explosive situations, it sends a subtle but powerful message about your inability to handle your own emotions and the emotions of others. Whatever happens later, it’s hard to change the implanted image of someone who can’t handle difficult situations.

4. Open lines of communication provide better clarity of where things stand and if there is even a remote possibility of the two of you getting back together. “No Contact” on the other hand keeps you in false hope longer than is necessary.

5. Open lines of communication also gives you opportunities to demonstrate that things can be different.

While maintaining contact with your ex significantly increases your chances of getting back together, if not used wisely, continued contact can have the opposite result. Make sure that you pursue quality and respectful communication instead of just timed contact. It is also important that you don’t expect or demand the kind of contact and communication that two people who are still together enjoy.

Trying to force things to be like before the break-up can do more harm than good. You may find that you are simply continuing the destructive pattern of communication that caused the break-up — and things are getting worse instead of better.

You might also find this helpful: Should You Stay In Contact With Your Ex Or do “No Contact”?

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  • Yangki, I understand your point but I think that by continuing communication with your ex, you are reinforcing that he is a great guy. This can get to his head and he will see you as not over him. I kept contact with my ex who is a total jerk and he broke my heart over and over and over again. So now I am doing no contact and blocked him from contacting me. He told one of our mutual friends I am being ridiculous, he’ll never agree that he is a jerk. Whatever anyone says about no contact, I’m determined not to contact him until he contacts me. He is on a dating site so I know he is still single.

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    • “Reinforcing that he is a great guy…” isn’t that what relationships are about!?

      I can understand if he is not a great guy at all, but if he is a great guy, what’s wrong with him knowing you think he is a great guy? If this guy is the jerk you say he is, what does it say about you wanting back someone you think is a total jerk? And if he is indeed a jerk, what makes you think he gives a hoot that you are doing “No Contact”?

      My advice on “No Contact” is for those who don’t want to do it. But for those who want to do it, who am I to say “don’t do “No Contact?” … YOUR relationship, YOUR decision… (:

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  • I just want to say I’m one of those who does not want to use no contact and have found this site to be an amazing resource. I think that if someone is conflicted about using no contact it is because a part of them knows that will hurt the relationship. They want someone else to say go ahead and do it so that they don’t feel responsible when things turn out badly. Just my opinion.

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    • Hmm.. interesting. Relationships like human nature have a way of refusing to be “ruled”. The more rules you put in place, the more resistance you get. I guess that’s why people who are a lot more flexible are better at relationships and dealing with other people in general.

      The “rules” followers and control freaks find themselves constantly frustrated and unhappy because when it comes to relationship, “the rules” just don’t work as they are supposed to.

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  • This whole blog and articles against no contact is crap. No contact is the best. She broke my heart and I will not be further humiliated by trying to communicate with her. If she wants me, she will contact me but otherwise no communication from me. It is about my masculinity.

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    • “It is about my masculinity”… (I am not even going to comment).

      It’s unfortunate you found yourself on the wrong blog, but I’m sure this will make you smile… somehow…

      You are allowed to make your own decisions as to whether you want to keep the lines of communication with your ex open — OR NOT! That is your right. Hold on to it!

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  • Okay, you succedded in making me smile. I still love her and want her back, I just feel helpless and unsure about how to proceed.

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    • Then spend some time here reading different articles and comments — with an OPEN mind. No one says it’s easy especially when you both still have raw feelings. The bottom line is that: if you still want a relationship with her, you have to find ways to stay connected even as you honour each other’s space. Sometimes that means you initiating conversations even when it is difficult, and to keep trying again and again and again.

      On a more serious note: Don’t make calling my blog crap a habit… It’s “Good Friday” and I happen to be in “Good Spirits”. Unfortunately “Good Friday” comes once a year. Next time you pull “this is crap” again… it will hit the fan… 😉

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  • Thank you, Yangki. I’ll keep reading your blog. May be I can get her back but it’s hard to see how.

    Btw, your site is the best by far, class of it’s own. 🙂 🙂 🙂

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    • Try moving the negativity, pessimism, cynicism and anger out of the way… it’s a lot easier to see more clearly without all that crap in front, behind and all around you!!!

      I was really tough and masculine there with the ‘no crap thing”, wasn’t I? I felt like I nailed it… 🙂 🙂

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