5 Good Reasons To Keep The Lines Of Communication Open With Your Ex

Communication is one of the top causes, if not, “the” top cause of break-ups. It’s no surprise that “communicating with your ex” is one of the biggest challenges post break-up– and also the most polarizing when it comes to how to attract back your ex.

Some people believe no communication will make their ex miss them and want to come back, and others, like myself, believe that the easiest way to send a message to your ex that you don’t want anything to do with them now or ever is is to cut off communication. The message you send is that you want to be left alone and not be contacted, and most exes listen to you and never reach out.

If you want your ex to know that you want them to contact you, it is necessary to keep the lines of communication open, to send the message that you are open to some form of contact.

Open lines of communication are even more important for:

1. Rebuilding trust

Break-ups leave lingering feelings of suspicion, mistrust and tension, particularly when things haven’t been going well for a while. The message you send by blocking communication is that the relationship is beyond repair. That message is louder and clearer if poor communication or trust was what caused the break-up in the first place.

2. Staying relevant in your ex’s life

After a break-up, things simply are not what they appear to be even if you think you know your ex. Loss of communication means that you are disconnected from each other and from what’s happening in each other’s lives. The longer you stay away, the more disconnected the two of you become. You become “strangers” to each other.

3. Showing your ex you are secure

Willingness to keep the lines of communication open in unpleasant situations is a sign of mental strength and emotional maturity. It shows you are secure within yourself and are able to compartmentalize your emotions. While “No Contact” helps you avoid misunderstandings and potentially explosive situations, it sends a subtle but powerful message about your inability to handle your own emotions and the emotions of others. Whatever happens later, it’s hard to change the implanted image of someone who can’t handle difficult situations.

4. Opportunities to show your ex you’ve changed

Many people don’t believe people change, until they can actually see the change. Your ex is more likely to believe you have changed if they can experience the change as it happens than if you disappear for months and reappear claiming you have changed. Open lines of communication give you opportunities to demonstrate that things can be different.

If for example, the relationship ended because you argued a lot or you overreacted to things, open lines of communication offer you opportunities to avoid arguing or show you can listen to your ex and accept their perspective and not overreact simply because you disagree.

5. Assessing your chances

So many people waste 3 months doing ‘no contact’ and holding false hope of getting their ex back only to reach out and find their ex has moved on or don’t want anything to do with them. Open lines of communication provide better clarity of where things stand and if there is even a remote possibility of the two of you getting back together.  If you see there is no hope, you can cut your loses and move on.

As you can see, keeping the lines of communication open with your ex significantly increases your chances of getting back together.

To make the best of the open lines of communication, make sure that you pursue quality and respectful communication instead of just timed contact. It is also important that you don’t expect or demand the kind of contact and communication that two people who are still together enjoy.

Trying to force things to be like before the break-up can do more harm than good. You may find that you are simply continuing the destructive pattern of communication that caused the break-up — and things are getting worse instead of better.

You might also find this helpful: Should You Stay In Contact With Your Ex Or do “No Contact”?

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  1. says: Sam

    I tend to be a fearful avoidant although at times I can be anxious and needy, and a lot of advice I read seems to be leading me more towards avoidance. I spent the last week on your site and already I can sense a shift in how I think and how I respond to my ex. I feel less fear reaching out and my ex has so far been amazingly responsive. I want to be more securely attached and this site has been a great help. Thank you.

    1. It is good to read feedback like yours. It’s always my hope that in some small way I can contribute to others finding their way to secure attachment.

      You are right in your observation. It is more difficult for someone with an insecure attachment style (anxious, fearful, or avoidant) to provide advice geared towards being securely attached without first becoming secure themselves. Their advice will be influenced by their own attachment style.

      All the very best on your journey to secure attachment!