5 Reasons To Maintain Contact With Your Ex

Communication is one of the top causes, if not, “the” top cause of break-ups. It’s no surprise that “communicating with your ex” is one of the biggest challenges post break-up– and also the most polarizing when it comes to how to get one’s ex back. Some people believe no communication will make their ex miss them and want to come back. Others, like myself, believe communication is crucial to the continuity of any relationship.

Good communication is the glue that holds a relationship together; without communication there is really no relationship.

The easiest way to send a message that you do not want a relationship with someone is to cut off lines of communication. But if you want a relationship of any kind, it is imperative that you have some kind of communication for the relationship to continue or survive.

Communication is even more important post break-up because:

1. Break-ups leave lingering feelings suspicion, mistrust and tension – particularly when things haven’t been going well for a while. The message you send by blocking communication is that the relationship is un- salvageable. That message is louder and clearer if poor communication was what caused the break-up in the first place.

2. After a break-up, things simply are not what they appear to be – even if you think you know your ex. Loss of communication means that you are disconnected from each other and from what’s happening in each other’s lives. The longer you stay away, the more disconnected the two of you become. You become “strangers” to each other.

3. Willingness to keep the lines of communication open in unpleasant situations is a sign of mental strength and emotional maturity. It shows you are secure within yourself. So while “No Contact” helps you avoid misunderstandings and potentially explosive situations, it sends a subtle but powerful message about your inability to handle your own emotions and the emotions of others. Whatever happens later, it’s hard to change the implanted image of someone who can’t handle difficult situations.

4. Open lines of communication provide better clarity of where things stand and if there is even a remote possibility of the two of you getting back together. “No Contact” on the other hand keeps you in false hope longer than is necessary.

5. Open lines of communication also gives you opportunities to demonstrate that things can be different.

While maintaining contact with your ex significantly increases your chances of getting back together, if not used wisely, continued contact can have the opposite result. Make sure that you pursue quality and respectful communication instead of just timed contact. It is also important that you don’t expect or demand the kind of contact and communication that two people who are still together enjoy.

Trying to force things to be like before the break-up can do more harm than good. You may find that you are simply continuing the destructive pattern of communication that caused the break-up — and things are getting worse instead of better.

You might also find this helpful: Should You Stay In Contact With Your Ex Or do “No Contact”?

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275 Comments

  • I tend to be a fearful avoidant although at times I can be anxious and needy, and a lot of advice I read seems to be leading me more towards avoidance. I spent the last week on your site and already I can sense a shift in how I think and how I respond to my ex. I feel less fear reaching out and my ex has so far been amazingly responsive. I want to be more securely attached and this site has been a great help. Thank you.

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    • It is good to read feedback like yours. It’s always my hope that in some small way I can contribute to others finding their way to secure attachment.

      You are right in your observation. It is more difficult for someone with an insecure attachment style (anxious, fearful, or avoidant) to provide a secure base without first doing their own. Their advice will be influenced by their own attachment style.

      All the very best on your journey to secure attachment!

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