There are good reasons and bad reasons to keep communication open with your ex. But if you want your ex back, the good reasons to stay in contact outweigh the bad ones. On top of the list of good reasons is the importance of having open lines of communication.
Communication is one of the top causes, if not, “the” top cause of break-ups. It’s no surprise that “communicating with your ex” is one of the biggest challenges post break-up; and also the most polarizing when it comes to how to attract back your ex.
Reasons to keep communication open and not to go no contact
Some people believe no contact will make their miss them and want to come back. Others like myself believe that; the easiest way to send a message to your ex that you don’t want anything to do with them now or ever is to cut off communication. The message you send is that you want to be left alone and not be contacted; and most exes listen to you and never reach out.
Let alone the fact that it is harder to reconnect with an ex after weeks of no contact than most people realize. In your head is looks all clear. After no contact, you will reach out and your ex will be happy to hear from you. But the reality is much different than the theory in your head. Some exes will respond, but most exes don’t respond. Even when they respond, you will struggle to get back that emotional connection; because emotions are not something you can just turn on and off at will.
If you want your ex to know that you want them to contact you; it is necessary to keep the lines of communication open. To send the message that you are open to some form of contact.
These 5 compelling reasons to keep communication open with your ex increase the chances you will get back together:
1. Keep communication open with your ex to slowly rebuild trust
Break-ups leave lingering feelings of suspicion, mistrust and tension, particularly when things haven’t been going well for a while. The message you send by blocking communication is that the relationship is beyond repair. That message is louder and clearer if poor communication or trust was what caused the break-up in the first place.
2. Keep communication open with your ex to stay up-to-date
After a break-up, things simply are not what they appear to be even if you think you know your ex. Loss of communication means that you are disconnected from each other and from what’s happening in each other’s lives. The longer you stay away, the more disconnected the two of you become. You become “strangers” to each other.
Keeping the lines of communication keeps you up-to-date with what’s important to your ex. These can be topics for emotionally connecting conversations.
3. Keep communication open with your ex so you can show you are safe
Willingness and ability to keep the lines of communication open in unpleasant situations is a one of the traits of a securely attached person It shows you are secure within yourself and are able to compartmentalize your emotions. While “No Contact” helps you avoid misunderstandings and potentially explosive situations, it sends a subtle but powerful message about your inability to handle your own emotions and the emotions of others. Whatever happens later, it’s hard to change the implanted image of someone who can’t handle difficult emotions.
4. Keep communication open with your ex to take advantage of opportunities to show your ex you’ve changed
Many people don’t believe people change, until they can actually see the change. Your ex is more likely to believe you have changed if they can experience the change as it happens than if you disappear for months and reappear claiming you have changed. Open lines of communication give you opportunities to demonstrate that things can be different.
If for example, the relationship ended because you argued a lot or you overreacted to things, open lines of communication offer you opportunities to avoid arguing or show you can listen to your ex and accept their perspective and not overreact simply because you disagree.
5. Keep communication open with your ex to assess your chances sooner than later
So many people waste 1-3 months doing ‘no contact’ and holding hope of getting their ex back only to reach out and find their ex has moved on; or doesn’t want anything to do with them. Open lines of communication provide better clarity of where things stand and if there is even a remote possibility of the two of you getting back together. If you see there is no hope, you can cut your loses and move on.
As you can see, keeping the lines of communication open with your ex significantly increases your chances of getting back together.
To make the best of the open lines of communication, make sure that you focus on quality and respectful communication instead of just timed contact. It is also important that you don’t expect or demand the kind of contact and communication that two people who are still together enjoy.
A break-up changes everything. Trying to force things to be like before the break-up can do more harm than good. You find yourselves continuing the destructive pattern of communication that caused the break-up; and things are getting worse instead of better.
RELATED:
Why Avoidants Get Angry When You Reach Out After No Contact
My wife divorced me because I neglected her as a husband and we have a kid and I neglected him in my role as a father, he is in care, now she is in a different country. Do you think this situation is irreversible? I know this is a bit off topic but I am worried, my eyes have opened when it was too late, and the only thing I want in this world is to make things right. Also I usually initiate the conversations we have, I decided to let her take the initiative and contact me and it’s now been a week, she works though, should I be worried? Any help would be truly appreciated Mrs/Miss Akiteng, all sorts of scenarios are going through my mind.
Regards,
Seán.
Neglect as the only reason for a break-up is reversable. But in my experience, there are usually other reasons attached to “neglect” that make getting back together harder, if not impossible.
Should you be concerned that she hasn’t initiated contact in a week? Yes. You have to be relatively sure your ex is emotionally invested in keeping the lines of communication open and interested in wanting to make things work before you let them initiate contact. If you haven’t created enough emotional momentum or your ex isn’t emotionally engaged (yet), letting them initiate contact is self-sabotage.
I tend to be a fearful avoidant although at times I can be anxious and needy, and a lot of advice I read seems to be leading me more towards avoidance. I spent the last week on your site and already I can sense a shift in how I think and how I respond to my ex. I feel less fear reaching out and my ex has so far been amazingly responsive. I want to be more securely attached and this site has been a great help. Thank you.
It is good to read feedback like yours. It’s always my hope that in some small way I can contribute to others finding their way to secure attachment.
You are right in your observation. It is more difficult for someone with an insecure attachment style (anxious, fearful, or avoidant) to provide advice geared towards being securely attached without first becoming secure themselves. Their advice will be influenced by their own attachment style.
All the very best on your journey to secure attachment!
Thank you, Yangki. I’ll keep reading your blog. May be I can get her back but it’s hard to see how.
Btw, your site is the best by far, class of it’s own. 🙂 🙂 🙂
Try moving the negativity, pessimism, cynicism and anger out of the way… it’s a lot easier to see more clearly without all that crap in front, behind and all around you!!!
Believe you will get back together and your actions and words will follow suit.
Okay, you succedded in making me smile. I still love her and want her back, I just feel helpless and unsure about how to proceed.
Then spend some time here reading different articles and comments — with an OPEN mind. No one says it’s easy especially when you both still have raw feelings. The bottom line is that: if you still want a relationship with her, you have to find ways to stay connected even as you honour each other’s space. Sometimes that means you initiating conversations even when it is difficult, and to keep trying again and again and again.
This whole blog and articles against no contact is crap. No contact is the best. She broke my heart and I will not be further humiliated by trying to communicate with her. If she wants me, she will contact me but otherwise no communication from me. It is about my masculinity.
“It is about my masculinity”… (I am not even going to comment).
It’s unfortunate you found yourself on the wrong blog, but I’m sure this will make you smile… somehow…
You are allowed to make your own decisions as to whether you want to keep the lines of communication with your ex open — OR NOT! That is your right. Hold on to it!
I just want to say I’m one of those who does not want to use no contact and have found this site to be an amazing resource. I think that if someone is conflicted about using no contact it is because a part of them knows that will hurt the relationship. They want someone else to say go ahead and do it so that they don’t feel responsible when things turn out badly. Just my opinion.
Hmm.. interesting. Relationships like human nature have a way of refusing to be “ruled”. The more rules you put in place, the more resistance you get. I guess that’s why people who are a lot more flexible are better at relationships and dealing with other people in general.
The “rules” followers and control freaks find themselves constantly frustrated and unhappy because when it comes to relationship, “the rules” just don’t work as they are supposed to.
Yangki, I understand your point but I think that by continuing communication with your ex, you are reinforcing that he is a great guy. This can get to his head and he will see you as not over him. I kept contact with my ex who is a total jerk and he broke my heart over and over and over again. So now I am doing no contact and blocked him from contacting me. He told one of our mutual friends I am being ridiculous, he’ll never agree that he is a jerk. Whatever anyone says about no contact, I’m determined not to contact him until he contacts me. He is on a dating site so I know he is still single.
“Reinforcing that he is a great guy…” isn’t that what relationships are about!?
I can understand if he is not a great guy at all, but if he is a great guy, what’s wrong with him knowing you think he is a great guy? If this guy is the jerk you say he is, what does it say about you wanting back someone you think is a total jerk? And if he is indeed a jerk, what makes you think he gives a hoot that you are doing “No Contact”?
My advice on “No Contact” is for those who don’t want to do it. But for those who want to do it, who am I to say “don’t do “No Contact?” … YOUR relationship, YOUR decision… (:
It just seems obvious to me that when a relationship ends it is counter productive to continue communicating or as friends.
I don’t think it’s obvious at all. People and relationships are very complex. Whether to continue communication or whether it is even possible to do so depends on:
1) why and how the relationship ends
2) the personalities and attachment styles of the individuals involved
3) ability to handle rejection
4) if there was a friendship in the relationship to begin with
5) other ties binding two people together (children, assets, careers, finances etc)
6) the desire to maintain a relationship with one’s ex
Someone also raised a very interesting factor that may be overlooked — individual and/or cultural values and beliefs.
It makes sense, however it takes two to have a healthy relationship. Also most people doing no contact are just trying to get their ex back and all the experts say no contact is the “must do” thing to get your ex back. After a couple of fails using no contact with two different ex-girlfriends, I decided to study it more carefully and realized that the experts have not done a good job of explaining the risks of using no contact. No contact is marketed as some kind of magic solution that if you follow strictly will bring your ex back. If you want your ex back, you will do anything the experts say.
I really appreciate you taking the time to have this discussion with me. Best!
Again, you are right… it takes two. But since you can’t change your ex or force him or her to be emotionally healthy or mature, change has to start with you. That’s who you can change if you want the dynamics of the relationship to change. It’s borderline narcissism to want or demand a healthy and mature relationship when you are acting self-destructively immature.
I created this blog partly to offer an alternative to all the “NO CONTACT” experts out there. I got tired of listening to my clients who had a very good chance of getting their ex back tell me how they blew it with a stupid “No Contact” rule.
Reversing the damaging effects of “No Contact” rule is probably the hardest part of my work and where I have the least success. Most times people come to me when it’s too late — it breaks my heart.
I’ll take the best… sending back more your way…(:
Your blog is truly inspiring. I have been telling myself that it’s just not working and finding all kinds of reasons to justify why I should give up. But reading your blog helped me see that what I should be giving my relationship my very best shot because it’s worth my time and effort. I’m changing how I think and making that extra effort to keep the lines of communication open even if it’s me doing most of the initiating conversations. He never was a talker in the first place and that’s what I loved about him, why should I resent that he does not communicate as much now?
This is a great website, its helped me a lot.
I broke my exes trust by looking at porn, she caught me twice and split up with me a few months after the second time saying she does not think she will get over it.
She is the love of my life and I am seriously gutted. The difficulty is we were building a business together and I need her to run my business. She wants to be involved but for me its really hard.
I have changed and hope that she sees this in me as we continue too work together.
Thanks for your advice Yangki!
Hello. I bought your book, following it to the letter, and progressed from texting with my ex to an agreement we talk on the phone every Sunday. Reason why I proposed it and he accepted, is because he doesn’t like texting and you pointed out I should communicate with him in his preferred way. So far so good….
Good or you. Hopefully, you connect more emotionally and you get to speak more than once a week. You need momentum to move things forward. As mentioned repeatedly in the book, it’s not so much about number of contacts but level of emotional engagement that shows progress/interest. Without emotional engagement, you may find yourself speaking once a week for the next 2 -3 years, or until one of you moves on.
Thank you! Thanks to your book I realized I was engaging in mindless chatter and with our weekly phone calls (his preferred way of contact), I aim to achieve meaningful communication, with the goal to connect when he comes home from work in a few months and socialize…. Wish me luck and wisdom… 🙂
I want to add I did not contact her for 4 weeks to give her time and space. I started contact again sending her a text “”Hi, how are you?” she did not reply. I waited three weeks then I sent another text also no reply. She replied to the third one and i have since sent her two more, no reply.
Every 3 weeks or once every week won’t make a difference. Communicating with your ex is not just a matter of contacting them every few days/weeks with updates of your life or the superficial “Hi, how are you?” and “Hi, what’s up”. Contact for contact’s sake or communication that is meaningless is not only ineffective, it can also make things worse.
If you are not interested in the book, then spend some time reading my articles. I’ve written extensively on effective communication that creates a desire in your ex not just to respond but to start seeing things in a different light. I’m sure you will understand that repeating what I’ve written over and over just isn’t the best use of my time.
I’d really like to buy your book but I have bought so many books on getting your ex back and followed the advice and contacting my ex every 3 weeks with updates of my life. She has only replied once and did not seem interested. I’d like to keep the lines of communication open. Do you think I should contact her more may be once every week?
It is true that post breakup communication can be very confusing. I did no contact and reconnected with my ex after six weeks. I asked him if he wanted to go out with me and he said yes. But as he was telling me about his life I realised he isn’t the same man that I met three years ago. We still text each other but we’re slowly drifting apart. Some times we have moments when it’s like the old days but the more we communicate the more I see that we have less and less things in common. I’m not sure if no contact has anything to do with it or if we naturally drifted apart.
No contact may have something to do with it, but it could also be that you are naturally drifting apart, which is normal. As people change, the relationship also changes; sometimes people get closer than ever and sometimes they realize, as in your case, that there is less and less to keep them together.
Instead of forcing this to end with no contact or trying to keep alive what’s dying naturally, talk to him about it. You may find that he feels the same way. The two of you may decide that since you still care about each other, you can remain good friends — no bitter feelings.
I honestly think that the no contact rule is total nonsense. Me and my ex split around 6 months ago and I was devestated, all the advice online said no contact was the most effective way to either get your ex back or get over them. I can honestly say that in going no contact I personally achieved neither. Since actually opening communication with my ex again, whilst it hasn’t got us back together I have at least managed to end things in a proper manner and make things less awkward if/when we bump into each other.
I started NC and 3 days into it I found your site and reached out to my ex. She didn’t want me out of her life but I went ahead with NC anyway. We are back in contact and yesterday she initiated her first text since the breakup. I know it’s too early but I feel there is hope.
Yangki, thank you, thank you, thank you… 🙂
Oooo-k-ay. What did I do this time? 🙂
Hi Yangki. I (25yrs) recently split with my LD boyfriend (22yrs) because he expressed an interest in persuing someone else. We’ve been through a lot together over the past 2 years and have always supported each other as best friends and lovers do. We’re both still love each other and want each other in our lives. I know that I would be open to giving things another try at some point but I could really use some advice on managing my communication with him for the next little while as I’m a bit wary of getting my hopes up right now and letting that overshadow the work I need to do on myself.
Managing communication with your ex is what this site is all about. I don’t believe or encourage no contact or low/limited Contact, so you’re in the right place for managing communication with your ex.
Spend some time reading different articles… there are some on LD communication as well. If you need help specific to your situation, I am happy to work with you one-on-one. Just sign up for one of the coaching packages and send me an email to set up a time for us to talk about your situation.
Thank you for writing this article. After my ex broke up with me she wanted to stay in contact but everyone told me she was being selfish. I told her it was not fair to me to stay in contact and she was so understanding and sweet that I reversed my decision. We stayed in contact and get along better than we did as a couple. I see us getting back together someday. Hopeful thinking? But I believe it very strongly.
I really enjoy reading your blog and agree with you that without communication there is not relationship. In my case I wanted so much to maintain some form of communication with my ex but she told me not to contact her. I respected her wishes and have not contacted her. We have not had any contact for 4 months and I’m wondering if I should send her a text and if so, what should I say?
4 months is a long time not to have any form of communication. Most people at this time will have moved on. You could try to send a simple “Hi, how have you been” text/email. She may or may not respond. Either way you will know if she still wants any contact with you — or not!
I agree. I’ve become more flexible and as a result less anxious about how my actions impact the relationship. I used to worry about whether or not I was doing this or that “the right way” and it was a strain on the relationship. I would get very anxious if I didn’t hear from her and constantly asked if everything was okay between us. If she was not reacting in a certain way, it meant I was not doing something right and she was upset with me. She hated that I was needy and said she couldn’t take it anymore. Now I realize how annoying I must have been, she had every right to breakup with me. I needed a lot of work to do on myself and could have used no contact but I came upon your website and bought your book and it made all the difference.
We are not yet back together but I’m certainly a whole different improved person and she notices it. I’m more assertive but also not worried that she is reacting a certain way. I feel like we are equals going forward. If things don’t work out, I’ll still be content because this experience has taught me a lot about relationships and about myself.
I’m really happy for you… (: Your mindset, attitude and approach will work to your advantage.
I have people who were needy or controlling say, “I used “No Contact” to heal and work on myself. Now, when should I contact my ex and how many times do I contact him/her?’
These questions suggest that the asker is worried that his or her actions will be a problem/turn their ex off — and they should be worried. The neediness is still there waiting for the right conditions — and they know it otherwise they would not be anxious, concerned or worried.
The best way to learn about not BE-ing needy is to practice BE-ing in contact with your ex without being needy.
Yangki, you are right. Not completely disconnecting from your ex gives you the best chance at winning her back. I have maintained regular contact with my ex because I want to get her back, not now but in the future. I keep it minimal and casual, occasionally sending her a text asking about her life and also keeping her informed about special or interesting things happening in my life. I also leave comments on her Facebook. There is certainly a connection still there because she’s now initiating these same things to me.
I’m happy for you! That’s a big step forward.
I’ve said it elsewhere, if you are the one who wants the other person back, you have to be willing to do most of the heavy lifting and “dirty jobs” in the initial stages. If you do it right, it will pay off and things will even out.
Keep us updated!
Yangki, I debated for a while between no contact and low contact, but after spending hours on your site, I decided that emotional momentum would probably work best for me. I bought your book and have started to implement your advice. Wish me luck. 🙂
I wish you luck, and sending you love energy…:)
Yangki after reading your dating ex ebook I manned up and contacted my ex. She did not want to talk at first but has started to warm up slowly. I am worried though that ignoring her has made the rift so large that now it may never be repaired. I just wish I had found your ebook earlier and not used all the reactive avoidance methods. I should have just been a man and allowed myself to be vulnerable. Anyways, I really need your thoughts on my situation.
I understand your fears. However, it’s too early to tell at this point how much damage has been done by you ignoring her. The damage is usually invisible on the surface because it affects the very foundation of the relationship (of the “us”).
I suggest you move forward trying to connect emotionally and build up emotional momentum. If your relationship had a strong foundation, it will recover. More work and it may take longer, but if she’s worthy it… it’s worth the time and effort.
Hi iv been split up from my ex for about 7 months and i try and keep contact
As much as i can as she is with some1 else but i dont know exactly what else to do
As i love her very much and i have owned up to my mistakes.
But i dont know what else to do ? Can you be able to help
I’m trying to be of help, by having this site at no fee.
Spend sometime here. There’s so much on “what to do” to get back your ex. It’s not easy and it’s not a matter of doing one thing or the other, it’s work and you have to be willing, ready and capable of doing the work needed to get back together.
Well, at least I have hope. This feels much more rational and logical than no contact at all. I’m trying to give space and wait about a week between contact. I don’t want him to get used to being without me. I want him to miss me, and miss our connection so I’m trying to maintain a thread.
Using “distance” to make someone miss you or miss your connection is emotional manipulation.
Manipulation either backfires right away (he may not miss you or he may find someone else to fill that space) and/or eventually destroys the very foundation of a relationship (mistrust, loss of excitement, or not feeling “close” anymore).
It’s like tooth decay. You may not see the negative effects right away, but when it starts showing, it’ll be too late. So think about what you are doing…
Yangki, I’m reading you book and you say if it’s hurting you to be in contact with your ex, you should be honest and tell him you are not ready to have contact and that you’ll contact him when you are ready. I need time and space to heal but also fear that if he and I stop contact he’ll move on.
I also mentioned that it’s a risk that you are taking, but if you strongly feel that’s what you need to do, then do it for YOU, with the understanding that there is a possibility he’ll not wait for you to be ready. He may move on.
You can’t control what some else will do, but if you are not in a place where you are emotionally prepared for what it takes, it doesn’t help either.
My advice is follow the advice on how to approach this in a way that gives you a chance of getting him back later on. But as I said in the book, don’t stay away too long, and don’t ignore any bids for connection.
For those wondering if this works, it does. Worked for me twice actually. First time it took a month to get her back but I screwed up again and she broke up with me. I had learned from past mistakes and specifically asked to keep the lines of communication open. This time it took 3 months to get her back. The key is patience and persistence. Thanks Love Doctor. You know your stuff.
I am happy for you Rez… 🙂
Don’t screw up again!
Yangki, I don’t know if most people can manage to balance working to improve themselves and maintaining contact at the same time. But I agree with you that the benefits of keeping the lines of communication open outweigh those of no contact. In our conversations, I discovered so many things he did not disclose to me when we were together or during the breakup. At some point I felt like I never knew this person I had been with for 4 years. But I’m glad we are talking openly and allowing ourselves to be real with each other for the very first time.
You have a point. There are people who can’t balance working to improve themselves and maintaining contact at the same time. In my experience, it’s usually people who have a harder time balancing independence with interdependence. Most have some traits of being needy, clingy or controlling and it may be the reason the relationship ended in the first place.
I wrote an article about it: Do You Love Your Ex A Little Too Much?
I cut off contacts with my ex boyfriend, we broke up 6 months ago. He texted me a couple of times, asking how I was or wishing me a merry christmas… I didn’t answered all the times. I missed him a lot, but wanted to move on. He texted me last night, saying he misses our days and asking what was the problem, why I don’t want to keep in touch with him … 🙁 I still haven’t answer him. I don’t know what to say or think. I don’t know if he’s just playing with me, or he misses me or just wants to be friendly… I’m still thinking about him. Need some advice, please!
Wrong website and wrong coach to ask. Your question will be better answered by someone who believes in no contact. I don’t. I think it’s immature, manipulative and an indicator of some other issues.
Yangki, I realize that no contact is not a good idea but I needed the time to heal. I’m now ready to contact my ex but I know that if I send him a text he will not respond. He does not like texting. So I was thinking of calling him at a time I know he won’t answer like when he is at work\, and leave a short message to let him know I’m thinking of him. I know that he loves comic books, the message could sound like “I just saw this great comic store and thought I’d tell you about it!”. Would that make him curious enough to respond? What do you think?
I think that you are playing mind games. I also think that you’re in the wrong website.
The fact that you don’t see anything seriously messed up about calling him when you know he won’t answer and leaving some cheesy ambiguous message is troubling.
Apparently, the time “to heal” didn’t involve self-reflection and growth.
I do no think it’s wrong to cut someone off and let them feel what’s like to lose you. Yes. it’s hitting their FEAR button but you shouldn’t have to make them feel like they can have you any time they want. They’ve made their intentions clear, and it’s your turn to make yours clear. Everybody plays mind games and uses emotions to manipulate from big companies to intimate relationships. This is who we are as humans.
I do not know how old you are, where in the world you live or what experiences in your life brought you to this point… but I think your view of who we are as humans is negatively tainted.
Not everybody plays mind games and not everybody uses emotions to manipulate.
You are right though, big companies do all kinds of things to make money, but we as human beings are collectively better than that.
I sincerely hope that before you leave this life, that you will experience what’s like to be in a relationship where there are no games and no emotional manipulation. You owe it to yourself!
Yangki, I think that if you can handle being in contact with your ex then more power to you. But I don’t think most people can do that especially if you are the dumpee. For me, I couldn’t deal with the mental torture.
I hear you. Whether to maintain contact or not is a choice each individual has to make.
I however, disagree that most people can not handle being in contact with their ex. My experience (and I have been doing this for a long, long time) is that most people CAN. The people that CAN’T (as with many things that get us “emotional”) are the most vocal and passionate about the issue.
The majority of people in contact with their ex do not spend a lot of time on the internet or post on public forums. They are busy getting back their ex.
You not being a part of each other’s daily life will not correct where you both failed. Your ex is not going to wake up one day and think I want the person back with whom I fight with all the time.
True! Where the ex misses the good moments, after only a few texts/calls, contact suddenly stops or fizzles out once your ex doesn’t “miss” you anymore.
Cutting off contact for a while is recommended because contact will make you relive the moments before and you may fall for her again.
Isn’t that the whole point of staying in contact… to increase the chances of both of you falling in love again!?!
If you don’t want to fall in love again or don’t want your ex back, and you can’t move on while in contact with your ex or you know that you are toxic to each other, then cutting off contact may make sense.
But not all ex-relationships are toxic, and not all people need to cut contact in order to move on.
No Contact really is the only way. If they’re manipulative and narcissistic, they will do anything to break NC. Don’t give them the satisfaction.
If you have no intentions of trying to get your ex back, no contact makes sense in some situations. Why would you want back someone who is manipulative and narcissistic, right?
Your statement ” Don’t give them the satisfaction” though is very telling.
1. You are making it about “them”, and not about you. No Contact if you have to do it should be about YOU not them. This is why as a strategy for getting back your ex back, it falls short of it’s claims.
2. It’s a power-struggle mentality that’s not good for relationships. People who think of relationships as battle of wills attract others that don’t make good partners because they, themselves aren’t good partners.
Yangki, I bought your book and read your blog religiously. My story is that we dated for 5 years and had a business together. He broke it off and 2 months later we dissolved the business. We didn’t speak for 4 months. I then contacted him about s situation that had to do with the business. We discussed the issue and then he said he wanted to see me in person to talk about the breakup. The meeting went well and we have kept contact since. At first I was uneasy about staying in contact because everyone told me he would hurt me again. But with time its become easier and I actually think its been good for both of us. We have had time to talk about the breakup and apologize for our mistakes. Something we hadn’t done. I still have feelings for him and would like it to work out down the road after I have had a chance to work on myself.
Continued contact only keeps someone comfortable without any need to miss you. Cutting off all contact will give them a full taste of what life will be like without you in it.
That is assuming that 1) they will miss you, 2) when they miss you, they’ll reach out to you, and 3) when they reach out to you, it’s because they want you back, and not just because they’re lonely, need a shoulder to cry on, or are horny.
Just saying…
Hi Yangki, I just want to say that your blog and your articles have been very useful for me to take a good hard look at myself. My girlfriend and I left the relationship mutually about a day ago because it was spiralling deeper into the point of no return. I’ve kept contact open, friendly and honest, respecting our status and her space. I will continue in trying to establish effective contact while working hard on my insecurity issues.
She is the most beautiful person I know, with stunning inner beauty and humanness. Please post more articles online which will help with character development for those of us whom are eager to learn more! Above all, I want to express deep gratitude for your work, because you’ve let me know that it’s never too late to change and put an end to all regrets in life 🙂
She must be very special! But more importantly, you have a healthy attitude. It makes a HUGE difference going forward.
I appreciate the kind words about my work, and I’m glad I can be of help somehow. With regard to more articles on character development, it’s not an area I’m very familiar with or want to venture into. There are many websites and blogs that handle personal development better. I’m very passionate about giving love a chance, and I think that I can be more useful writing about conflict communication and reconciliation.
My best wishes.
Yangki, I agree with you that communication is very important. I have found that people who are truly interested (even those who want to take it slow, myself included) will initiate contact at least at least once a week whether it be by text or phone call. If a person can’t be bothered to communicate then they are not truly interested.
I couldn’t agree more. But tell that to people who are truly interested but cut off communication with the hope that their “absence” will “bother” their ex, and those that think that initiating contact is somehow a bad thing…
Yangki, I agree with you that NC is for moving on and not for getting your ex back. I’m maintaining LC with her but also giving her a chance to miss me.
If by “low contact” you mean the number of times you contact her, your efforts are a waste of time at best, and causing more damage than “no contact” at worst.
What I’ve seen with people who do the so called “low contact” is that there is no continuity in conversation. Because they are so focused on controlling the number of times they contact their ex, they repeatedly start a conversation, stop it, and then start it again. In the end, there is no momentum, and because there is no momentum, things stay in the same state for months on end.
In other word, there is more to “contact”, than just the number of times you make contact. I suggest that you spend a little more time on here. I’ve written extensively on making sure that your contacts are effective and you are progressively moving towards getting your ex back.
I disagree with this article. Contacting an ex who dumped you is needy and clingy. If you want him to respect you, you have to ignore his repeated attempts to reinitiate contact. If he sees that you are not responding, he’ll realize that he does not have you as a backup plan and that will automatically make him more interested in you.
Good theory. Unfortunately, in REAL life… things are a lot different.
What if someone is refusing to accept that you have moved on and are happy in your new relationship, shouldn’t you just cut them off completely? My ex keeps texting me saying he knows I want to be with him and that I’m just scared of being hurt again. The truth is, I don’t want to be with him. I’m happier in my new relationship than I ever was with him. He is controlling, and uses the silent treatment to punish me for not doing what he wants me to do.
You are not using “no contact” to try to get him back. You are using it to get him out of your life.
It doesn’t seem like he’s changed his controlling ways, and refusing to accept that you have moved on is just a continuation of the same. If he hasn’t already used “no contact” (silent treatment), he will very soon. They never change, unless they really want to.
I hope it all works out … with the new relationship…(:
I was thrilled to hear from my ex after 5 weeks of NC, but everyone told me not to break NC because it would make me appear too desperate. After 3 months of NC I contacted him and he responded. For the first week we texted everyday but in the second week, he became distant and didn’t text me unless I texted him. I asked him if everything was okay between us and he said he wasn’t sure. As the weeks went by it become apparent that he had lost interest during the time that we were not in contact. He told me so himself. I still love him very much and still cry everyday, but I can’t get back his interest and now he is seeing someone else and seems really happy.
I disagree with this article. Maintaining contact with your ex just brings back the good memories from the relationship and it might end up bringing back your feelings for them and them for you. If you want to be friends at some point, you need to create some distance between the two of you before that can happen.
I respect your views. But have to ask…
What’s wrong with “bringing back your feelings for them and them for you”? Isn’t that the whole point of maintaining contact in the first place? To eventually get back two-gather?
Saw my ex for the first time a week ago after almost 4 months of no contact and all the memories of the happy days and as well as the heartaches came back as if it all happened yesterday. I could not stop thinking about him and texted him. He didn’t respond. I found out from one of his friends that he was a complete mess after the breakup and if I had reached out, my ex would have taken me back. But now he’s seeing someone new and happy. It’s funny how this pride thing works. If only I had followed my heart instead of following all the advice on no contact.
Yangki, you advice on maintaining contact with your ex but how does that allow you to fully transition into a new relationship? It seems to me that maintaining contact with your ex will inhibit the formation of deeper emotional components in the new relationship. It would also inject serious doubts into the mind of the new partner.
I can understand the confusion. It’s like someone having a stomach ache reading an article about how to cure a headache, and asking how the advice is going to help with his/her stomach ache.
The advice, and indeed this whole site is for people who do NOT want to transition into a relationship with someone new. But instead want to transition into a new relationship with their ex.
In short, this article and site is for people who want to get their ex back. If you want to transition into a new relationship with your ex, you can’t do that without communication. No relationship can begin without communication, and no relationship can survive without communication.
Ex gf and I broke up 3 mos. ago after 7 years. I begged, etc for the 1st month. Cordial conversation since. We have slowed talking to once a week on average. She inktiates contact some as well. She asked me if “I didn’t want us talking anymore” (I guess from my short responses). I do want her back, but haven’t brought it up in 2 months. What should I do? Keep it light and friendly? I did hear that she is “talking” with someone. I dont want to be ber backup plan. I know in your Dating your ex book that any communication is better than none, but I dont want to be “played” per say.
Since you have the book, it’s easier for me to refer you to specific sections. As to whether you are being played, refer to “Is Your Ex Using You?” pages 330- 336. The signs listed will give you a much clearer picture.
As for communication, short responses says you may not be good at communication in general. You need to learn to communicate better if you want her back. “Light and friendly” (which is really tip-toeing around your ex) doesn’t take you anywhere. As I mentioned in the book, I’ve seen people prematurely bring up getting back together and when their ex says “no”, they tip-toe around their ex for months and end up as a friend, things just die out on their own, or one day you blow up and he/she wants nothing to do with you anymore.
Instead use the several methods of communication that is pressing forward but with no pressure (pages 163 -293). You have to use different methods at different times depending on the situation. One alone won’t get you very far. The key is “moving things forward”. The last thing you want is things being the same for months on end or becoming “her friend”, both of which you are at a risk of right now.
It’s important that you set the right pace (pages 338 – 370) if you want to see any results or succeed.
When you cut off all contact you should expect one or both of you to conclude nothing more can be done and you go your separate ways. If that is what you want, fine, but at least be honest about it. If that is not what you want, consider taking some other action other than N/C.
Yangki, I posted here earlier in November and I want to say THANK YOU. I followed your advice and today he initiated contact with me and said I seemed more at peace with myself. I kept our conversation light and fun and he said he was really happy and wanted to talk again. This is a great first step and I couldn’t have done it without you and some divine grace for sure. I will keep working on myself so I don’t slip back into old bad habits…
Thank you, thank you so much once again.
I beg to differ. NC helps you regain power and control for yourself instead of focusing your energy on your ex. And when you become a better and happier person away from your ex, this will actually draw him to you – it will pique his interest that you have found something to replace him with.
Do you really think your ex is spending his/her days snooping around trying to gather information about you? Even if you post pictures on FB or instagram of a happier you, is that really enough to convince your ex that the relationship can work — again? Happy in a picture does not equal a “better partner”.
Here is something else. When you use making someone insecure to try to draw him/her to you, don’t later complain or act hurt when that same insecurity dominates the relationship or causes another break-up. “You reap what you sow” happens a lot in relationships!
I agree with this article. My ex ignored my contacts then tried to come back and although we tried dating again, it just wasn’t the same and after only 3 weeks I ended it. I think part of it was that I never got over the fact that he ignored my attempts to contact him and get him back.
I was in NC for 3 months and I admit that a lot of distorted thinking goes with it. I really thought that she cared for me and will contact me. I know that if we learned to communicate better that things could have been different. But guess it just wasn’t meant to be.
I hear you about what could have, should have…
But how you do know it wasn’t meant to be when you didn’t even try to do anything. It’s like someone sitting on the couch day in and day out saying, I really wanted to lose weight, but oh well… it wasn’t meant to be.
I don’t know if I contacted him too soon (we broke up a week ago). He doesn’t want to talk about the past and says we drifted while wanting different things in a relationship. I wish we had communicated better, but all I can do now is improve on myself and be happy… I miss him terribly and I really wish we could work things out.
Thank you for your site, it has given me some courage to face the long days ahead.
Hi Yanki,
There is one thing I have never seemed to get clear from your website/ebook regarding this topic…while it is important to remain in contact with your ex to get them back, you also say, in various locations, that trying too soon, or when it’s too fresh still, is a bad idea. You also say not to attempt getting them back again until you are truly changed, but this can take months. how does one know when is right time, post break up, to begin contact to “date your ex”?
I think you completely misunderstand both my articles and eBook. I do not approve nor recommend “no contact”, so the question “how does one know when is right time, post break up, to begin contact to “date your ex”?” does not apply nor make sense.
If you are in contact with your ex, you don’t need to “begin contact”. You are already in contact.
You only “begin contact” if you have been in “no contact”. For the answer to “when is right time, post break up, to begin contact”, you have to ask the experts who advice you to do “no contact”. They must have some kind of advice or plan for you after “no contact”.
My approach is different… you don’t cut off contact, that’s the point of this article. And in the eBook, I give plenty of reasons why cutting off contact makes getting your ex hard, if not impossible (pages 85 – 96). In the eBook, I also give advice on what you do if you need distance from your ex to make changes. Please refer to the section on “Time and Space To Heal” pages 96 – 106. I make it very clear in the eBook that not every one needs “distance” and not every relationship can withstand distance, doing so comes with a risk — and I tell you how to minimize that risk.
Bottom line, you can maintain contact with your ex without trying to get him/her back… until you are ready to ACTIVELY get him/her back. How you know you are emotionally ready (pages 45 – 75) and how you begin ACTIVELY getting back your ex (pages 78 – 153) is all in the eBook.
Using parts of my advice at the same as “no contact” can get you very confused because my advice is not intended for people using “no contact”. On my coaching page, I’m very honest and upfront on who I can help. I make it very clear “if you are doing “no contact”, I can’t help you!”
I’m just not sure what to say when I contact him. Do I come off casually or do I tell him I missed him? What the best way to contact him, text or call?
I don’t know who came up with the notion that when you don’t contact someone for an extended period of time, they’ll interpret it as “you are giving them space”.
Does this make sense to you… you have a fight with your best friend, things are said that should not have been said. Your friend angrily storms out of the room. You don’t talk to her for 2 whole months… do you really think she’s thinking, “Oh! she’s giving me my space?”
Most normal people will think 1) you are still angry, 2) you’re running away from the situation, or 3) you don’t want anything to do with them anymore.
I’m not saying don’t do “no contact”. It’s up to you to do what you want. I’m just saying be realistic. If you are following a strategy and have no idea what to do next to achieve your goal, 1) something is wrong with that strategy and 2) it says you really don’t have a plan beyond “no contact”. This is why I don’t coach/give advice to people using “no contact”. How does one help someone who is not thinking of the big picture?
I broke up with my boyfriend. I was way too emotional and did the begging and pleading. I apologized and told him I will not be bothering him again. I’m giving him his space and not contacting him for 8 weeks. I really love him and want him to see me differently and want me again.
Yangki, I want to first of all say thank you. Three months ago, I found your blog and bought your ebook at a time when I had lost all hope because I didn’t know where to start. I contacted my ex and slowly he started to respond to me even when he had said he didn’t see us working out. Start of September he finally admitted that he still had strong feelings for me and was willing to give us another chance. Technically we are back together and I have you to thank for it.
Congratulations!!! I’d love to take all the credit for you getting your ex back, but all I did was provide advice — and advice is just that, advice. A lot depends on the person receiving it and the state of the relationship. You did most of the work. You should be proud of yourself.
I hope that this time you really make it work because it’s not every day that we get a second chance in anything. Lots of love!
I was skeptical of this because EVERYTHING else I read told me the opposite, but none of that worked! My ex ISNT in love with me anymore. Shes indifferent and pursuing a new guy, doesnt miss the old relationship or regret leaving. Shes not interested so I need to SHOW her I’ve changed, value her and things ARE different now through real friendship. Going NC will help her forget me and prove how unreliable I am and dont appreciate her. It will be slow but I believe theres more hope here than going NC hoping 1 day months/yrs later she MIGHT think maybe we had something special and contact me.
I instituted no contact a few days after we broke up, and feel that I have healed or at least almost there. However, I can’t help but think that may be I overreacted deleting him and blocking from social media. I want to reestablish contact but I fear that it made me look bitter and immature although at the time I did it I was very hurt and felt that I really needed not to hear from him or contact him. Is it normal to have regrets about no contact?
Regretting our actions is normal. You’d be a sociopath if you didn’t have a sense of regret. The question is, are you going to let regret stand in the way of finding out if he still wants contact with you — or not?
Is it just me? I’ve never gone back to any of my exes and I never will. I just don’t see the point. Maybe I’m just stubborn.
Yah, it is just you. May be you haven’t met someone who is worth it… and that’s sad.
Ok, I’m reading your book now and I think where I am going wrong is that I don’t truly believe she will ever take me back. Feeling all excited now about working on myself for me, and focusing on gratitude and staying positive. I want her to be hapy, and if open communication is what she wants, that’s what she’ll get, regardless of whether it keeps me from moving on right away. I don’t want to move on right away if there is a chance this could be saved. Still fresh, gonna be a while before I can contact her in a way that will be effective, but I’m sure that will come sooner or later!
My ex broke up with me almost 2 months ago after a 3 yr relationship. We have kept in contact through text messages and the majority have been initiated by him. The conversations are always casual, catching up, light things. I want to get back together but when I brought it up once he said that he doesn’t want to right now but that he might feel different in the future. He has told mutual friends that if its meant to be, it will happen. What do I have to do to get him to want to get back together with me?
You brought up getting back together when he wasn’t ready. Casual, catching up, light things conversations is just contact, it is NOT communication. Contact alone isn’t going to make him ready. You have to communicate.
He said he’s not ready right now but may be in the future… so for the present just date each other. Like really DATE HIM AGAIN.
“if its meant to be, it will happen” doesn’t mean DO NOTHING, just sit and wait for the future. The future is what you do NOW to shape it.
Again, contact is NOT communication [please don’t ask me to explain what I mean, spend more time reading as many articles as you can. There is no magic to getting your ex back. It’s all about taking the right steps CONSISTENTLY].
All the best.
It’s not always possible to maintain contact after a breakup if there’s too much emotional baggage getting in the way.
That’s so true. But people who are really determined to preserve the relationship can work AROUND the baggage if one is doing it alone, or work THROUGH it, if both people are working together.
Hi Yangki!, I’m a first timer on this blog and I have a really serious question: What happened to the saying “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”?
It is a serious question indeed, thank you for asking…(:
I took your question so seriously that I wrote a whole article on it. Please click HERE to read my response.
I’ve spent the last several days on here and I have to confess that I really love this site. It makes you really THINK about what you want and what you are willing to do to get it.
Just curious though, how do you keep the KIDS away? I read almost all of the comments, something I never do on other sites of this nature, and was very impressed by the level of maturity shown by your readers. How do you do it?
First of all, thank you for your kind words about my site.
About the kids..(:… I have a couple of people who help with moderating the site and making sure it stays a Q and A blog…. without the rest of the stuff.
But that’s not to say it’s easy. It’s crossed my mind (a few too many times as a matter of fact), to stamp it across the leaderboard “Adults Only”. But thought that the site might be mistaken for something else…*wink* *wink*
I’m very encouraged by what I read. There are more stories of animosity and anger after a breakup that one would think that there are no more mature adults out there who are able to deal with these types of things in an adult manner. Keep up the good work.
This website has been so helpful as i really want to get back with my ex after a recent break up (about a month now) im just hoping that with communication i can either realize that its too far gone or maybe there is a chance. I still love him very much and im willing to do the “heavy lifting” i just want it to pay off.
I’m trying to get my ex back. She’s now given in but says she wants to take it slow and not rush the process. But I don’t know how slow because we are texting a couple of times a week and have met in person only 2 times since we broke up in January 2013.
@Odoman — A couple of texts a week is not so bad, but you need to do more to move things forward. Texting “hi, how are you?” and updating each other on what’s going on in your daily lives is not enough. After a while, it gets boring and communication dies off. There are so many articles on this site about effective/emotionally moving communication, spend some times reading them, it might just be what you need to heat things up.
N/C is for you to give her space to figure out what she really wants. She cannot do that if you keep in touch. I know it’s hard but N/C is your only option.
She’s already figured out what she wants — IT’S NOT YOU!
That’s why she broke up with you in the first place. So if you think you are just going to disappear for a while, then come back and you are what she wants, you are in for a very unpleasant surprise.
If she missed you, she may initially be pleased that you contacted her, but after a few conversations, she’ll “remember” why she broke up with you in the first place, and will want out again. You are back to square one.
Effective communication with my ex after the breakup has given me a far clearer idea as to why she ended the relationship, what she really wants what I need to do to win her back. I know it’s going to be a long road, but I’m up for the challenge.
I’m in n/c for the last 3 months. I have contacted her at all and she has not contacted me. But after spending time on here, I’m beginning to think that maybe I need to contact her, and be ignored or rejected. This waiting (for what?) is killing me and if rejection once and for all is what is waiting for me, then I need to find out and move on.
I can relate to this article. After 6 weeks of no contact I realized that no contact was really me just running away from my feelings. I realized that the reason the relationship didn’t work was because I never fully opened my myself up in to her for fear of being hurt, but that’s exactly what happened. By doing no contact I was actually hurting myself in the worst way possible because I was still hiding from my feelings for her. I could not hide from the fact that I’m in love with her anymore and contacted her. We have been talking and trying to work on things, taking it slowly. I understand that there are no guarantees that anything will come of it but I don’t want to every hide the way I feel about her.
Welcome home… to LOVE! It took a heartbreak, but you are finally here and that’s what matters.
If you ever want to talk to me, I’m happy to chat with you for 30 minutes.. no charge. People like you make this all worthwhile.
I’ve read so many of your articles and they make a lot of sense. My problem is that I think she is still too emotional. She says she’s not in love with me anymore and I should just accept it or she’ll never ever talk to me again. A little time of no contact will help her emotions to calm down. After 3 – 4 weeks, we will both feel better, then we can start contact again. What do you think, a good idea?
I don’t believe for one moment that you truly believe your “No Contact” plan will work. Deep inside you know it’s really over and like many using “No Contact” to keep yourself in denial for longer than is necessary.
Yangki, it’s easy to maintain contact with your ex is the breakup is amicable, but we’re not always that lucky.
I hear you, and agree that not every breakup is amicable. But if you want any kind of relationship post break-up, at some point you have to re-establish contact. The longer you stay “disconnected” the more “disconnected” you become, the more “disconnected” you become, the harder it is to reconnect.
Everyone says cutting off all connection with an ex helps one move on. I have been in 4 major breakups in my life. I ended the relationship in one and in the other three they ended it with me. In the 3 relationships that they ended with me, I cut off all contact in 2 and in the last one I kept contact. I have to say, I was bale to move on more quickly when I kept contact than when I cut off the connection. Staying in contact gave me the opportunity to ask the questions, get the answers and the closure I needed.
He and I were in an on again/off again relationship for 3 and half years. We breakup, I cut him off and he comes back begging me to take him back. Everything is great for a couple of months, then he stops initiating contact, spends most of his time with his friends and doesn’t even call to cancel dates. I get so angry, breakup with him and cut him off. He pursues me so strongly etc. I finally decided a month ago that I was tired of it all and told him to stop contacting me. I haven’t heard or talked to him since.
Are you surprised by how things turned out? Your relationship never really had a chance. You always got back to the same old relationship/pattern using the same old approach. And it wasn’t just him doing the same thing over and over, you were doing it too.
Yangki, are there some circumstances in which no contact is best?
From a relationship point of view, yes. If there is abuse of any kind, if you feel threatened, and if you are better off without that person in your life.
In some situations, temporarily agreeing to stay away from each other so you can work on your issues individually can help a relationship, but only if both of you sign up to it.
Other than that, I think that going through life burning bridges you cross is a sign that something is not right within. A majority of people who go through life cutting off people just because they can’t or don’t want to give them what they want end up alone — some depressed and others bitter and vengeful.
We split on good terms, it was her decision to breakup. We don’t see each other often but we keep in touch. One thing that makes it easier to stay in touch is that we both know that there were/are aspects of each other that we enjoy and want in our lives.
My Partner and I are splitting up, before I read this website blog I’d agreed we be friends.
Having CONTACT is the right thing to do for us – she even suggested a trial separation.
If you can maintain contact, especially if there are strong emotional feelings for each other even though there maybe be anger DO IT.
Really helpful website
Thank you Yangki. It helps to know that it is ok to be where I’m at. I really did love him and it hurts so much.
My point is, he contacted her because of the NC rule. She cut him off and made him miss her.
I hear you, and what I’m saying is… getting an ex to contact you is not the same as getting him/her back.
Many times an ex will contact you because they miss you, they feel bad that they are easy to forget or because they just want to toy with your feelings, some more. It doesn’t mean they want you back. FeelingBetrayed’s situation is a perfect example. He had no intentions of getting back with her but strung her along for 5 months.
But I completely understand that some people need their egos stroked from getting their ex to contact them. It’s kind of pathetic to spend all those emotions, not to mention time and effort just to get someone to contact you. Don’t you think?
See, NO CONTACT WORKED. He left you, you went NC and he wanted you back. NC WORKED. He wanted you back.
Qterback, do you really have to add insult to injury? Her ex is going to Europe and proposing to another woman, and you are insisting that NC WORKED?
If No Contact had worked, wouldn’t she be the one planning that trip to Europe and being proposed to, instead of the other woman?
I did NC rule after my break up last November and it didn’t work. After only one month he was dating someone else. Two weeks after I started seeing someone new, my ex contacted me. He wanted me back and acted like how we use to be. I dumped the other guy. I asked my ex many times when he was going to tell the other woman we were back together, his answer was she was emotionally fragile, he was going to when the time was right. We continued to see each other and have sex regularly for 5 months. Yesterday I found out from a mutual friend that my ex and her are going to Europe and he was going to propose to her. I feel so betrayed, hurt and angry.
Thank you for replying and for your uplifting words. I want her back more than anything in the world. There is no one else out there like her. I just bought your eBook and love what I have read so far. It’s given me so much hope that there can be a future for us. Again, thank you.
I’ve tried no contact and both times just can’t do it. It is very difficult to break ties off with someone whom you spent a large amount of time with. And although my ex broke up with me, she is still the most important person in my life. We were good friends and she helped me through my parent’s divorce. She is currently going through some difficult times and I want to be there for her even though we are no longer together. I don’t know if that will get us back together or jeopardize my chances, but it is what I believe to be the right thing to do in my situation.
I respect you for recognizing that not all relationships are the same, not all break-ups are the same, and not all exs are the same. You obviously had a good relationship with a good person, things just didn’t work out.
No question about it, maintaining contact with someone you still have strong feelings for and want back is hard. But like you said, she means a lot more to you than just a romantic interest, that’s good enough reason to want to keep her in your life. Who knows, may be being there for each other without the expectations and pressure of a romantic relationship will draw the two of you even closer. It happens a lot more than most people think — or know.
Maintaining contact with an ex? What does that even look like? He means nothing to me and I don’t want to ever hear from him. NO CONTACT is the best way.
I know. It’s hard to imagine maintaining contact with an ex if things ended real nasty or if you are the type that burns bridges after you cross them.
Fortunately, not all relationships end in a nasty way. There are people who cherish the value others add(ed) to their lives, and just because things don’t work out the way they hoped doesn’t mean the other person is now “useless” – and should be discarded like a piece of old furniture.
These are the people I wrote this article for, the ones who want to get their ex back without having to use tricks and manipulation. The “No Contact” diehards have their own forums, blogs and sites. They don’t need me or my advice — and I’m perfectly okay with that…(:
I’d like to some day be able to communicate with my ex, but right now I am so angry that I can’t even imagine anything good coming out of maintaining contact with him.
Not keeping in touch with an ex is the best policy for everyone. Keeping in contact with your ex will not let you let go off the emotional baggage that the relationship left behind. Moving on should be both physically and mentally.
I’m with RenewedM. It depends on the person. Some people have more emotional baggage than others. Some people accept and let go painful events more readily than others. Some people can move on very well — physically and mentally — with their ex still in their lives, and other can’t.
It also depends on the break-up. Some break-ups are mutual, others are filled with tears, regrets and declarations of love, and others are contentious, nasty and/or violent.
Each person should choose what is comfortable and healthy for him or her.
When it comes to getting one’s ex back, however, people who maintain contact post-break-up have a much better chance than those that cut off all contact. It’s much harder to get someone you have not spoken with for weeks or months to suddenly get interested in talking to you again, let alone want you back in his/her life — especially if their new life is a lot more peaceful and interesting.
It depends on the person and how you broke up. My ex and I have what you can call a working relationship. We talk on phone every day and see each other at least one every two weeks. In the beginning it was just for the kids, but it’s also made huge difference in how we communicate and relate to each other.
My ex and I have been apart for 1 month and counting. We’ve maintained contact and profess our deep love for each other every day. He says he is committed to getting back someday, just not now. I’ve told him I understand the problems we had and assured him they will not happen again. What else can I do to convince him that we are meant to be. Everyone we know says we are a perfect couple. Yangki, please help. I love him very much, and he love me too.
Having strong feelings of love for each other makes a huge difference, but I have to agree with your ex. Just saying that the problems you had in the relationship won’t happen again is not enough. Both of you must first allow yourselves to grieve the old relationship/what you lost, redefine yourselves as individuals, and learn new healthy behaviours (and sometimes even adopt new beliefs). This takes time.
In short, if you sincerely believe “you are meant to be”, then you should be more focused on making sure you have a better relationship and less on “getting back together” soon.
Does sending songs over the internet sound like a reasonable way of maintaining contact with an Ex?
One or two at intervals of weeks apart, YES. Making a habit of it or making it the only method of contact the two of you have, NO.
As mentioned in many of my articles and in my eBook, contact for the sake of contact is useless at best, and counterproductive at worst. Contact is only effective if you are actually COMMUNICATING — and not just any communication, communication that is emotionally moving and bonding (please don’t ask me to give examples, there are many articles on this blog addressing this, take the time to search and read).
I am working up the courage to contact my ex. It’s been 4 months now, and I haven’t heard from her. I suppose she doesn’t really care about me anymore. I still love her and feel so much pain every day.
Thanks for an indepth and enlightening post. It’s sad that you have to write about something so obvious.
We have 2 children we co-parent but my ex-hubby refuses to talk to me and only emails when he wants to complain or blame me about something. You can’t clear up anything with someone who will not communicate with you.
It’s sad indeed. I’m sorry that you are having to deal with an adolescent ex-husband. Unfortunately both men and women with children still act like adolescents, and we wonder why our children act up when we don’t agree or do what they want us to do.
This doesn’t make sense. Why would I want contact with someone who has made it clear we are not getting back together? She says I’m selfish and always thinking about my own interests and yet she is the one who does not work on the relationship. I tried everything in the book but she insists she does not see us together. Do I still keep contacting her, for WHAT?
Your comment makes sense though. If the only reason you contact someone is if you are getting something back in return, then (in your logic) contact without any self-interest makes no sense. May be your ex has a point…
Sometimes people remain in contact with an ex with the hopes of getting them back, but sometimes one just values the other person as a human being and not just “relationship material” and wants that person in his/her life even after the “relationship” is over. What’s wrong with THAT?
Unless you are trying to forget about your ex and move on, cutting off all contact and acting like you don’t care will backfire. I think if you want someone back being ope and kind but going on with your life in a productive way is the best way to do it.
Communication is very important to a relationship. How can one advocate no contact when the goal is to continue the relationship?
I will admit that the difficult part in all of this is that you still have to accept the break-up and endure the initial pain. But in time, with communication, you will ultimately accept the relationship, whether it’s as lovers or best friends.
I’m so glad I found this site. I had the misfortune of following the NCR. Keeping myself from contacting her was hardest thing I have ever done. I was broken, could not eat or sleep. My therapist was worried for me and advised me to contact my ex. I resisted for another 1 week. Slowly I was able to take my wounded ego out of the equation and try to see the situation from a neutral perspective. I’m equally at fault for not being present in the relationship. She gave me several opportunities to change but I had no desire to try. What else could she have done but end it.
We have since reconnected, apologized to each other and trying to work on the relationship individually and together. Communication is SO important.
What if they were a bad partner, should you still continue contact with them?
A more urgent question is: Why do you want to maintain contact with someone you’ve clearly concluded is a bad partner?
My experience is that when someone says someone else is a bad partner, chances are the relationship wasn’t a good one, and things did not end with the two of you still ‘liking” each other.
In that case, “maintaining” contact may not even be an option for you. It doesn’t mean you can’t/shouldn’t contact your ex, it just means that you have to be realistic about your particular situation.
I can’t thank you enough, I’m so glad I found this. My boyfriend of 3 years ended it nearly 2 weeks ago. I’m shattered. I’ve learnt to except its over, which was such a free feeling, but I also love him to death. He wants to still be in my life and we still chat every now and then, I’m never going to give up. Not in a needy desperate way because thats not where its coming from inside just genuinely want to make him feel loved.
So much of this article is spot on. There are no rules. The only thing that works is being true to yourself and to others.
It is so nice to find advice that encourages you to remain in contact with an ex rather than sever all ties with them or use no contact to get them back..It is a hard thing to do I know but one which I have and am trying to do.
People think my friendship with my ex is wierd. But just because we couldn’t live together after living together for 3 years doesn’t mean we have to hate each other. We still care very much about each other and enjoy spending time together, we’re just not in love with each other anymore. We are better friends than we’re lovers.
Why would anyone want to be friends with someone who refuses to talk on the phone or spend time talking about issues in person? What can possibly come out of being friends?
I realize that being friends with an ex is not easy for many, not possible for some, and not a good idea in some instances. As you so state, this might not be possible for you because he refuses to talk to you… or may be it’s how you are approaching the situation that is making it impossible for the two of you to transition into a friendship.
My advice is that if one who CAN and WANTS to be friends with his/her ex, he/she should not be talked out of something beautiful and healthy by others who can’t or don’t want to. A friendship based on genuine love can open up so many possibilities.
I just want to thank you! I have been reading through your website and it inspired me. I have maintained contact with my ex and had second thoughts about it because everyone told me not to, after reading through your articles I know I made the right decision. Thank you!
3 months he was in NC all I could think about was if he really loved me how could he erase me out of his mind so easy. When he contacted me I was relieved and excited but then I got thinking, was it because he couldn’t find anyone better that’s why he contacted me? But I am a hopeless romantic and 1 month later we were back together. It lasted only 3 weeks. I feel like I wasted my time, I should have just ignored his text and moved on with my life.
I’ve been struggling to let go because I thought it meant that I was supposed to stop loving her or erase her from my life completely. That is so hard for me to do. Reading your blog for the last week has helped me understand that I do not have to stop loving her or erase her from my life. This is helping me let go and I feel a lot more upbeat about the future. So thank you.
When you get to a point where you can I say, “I still love this person, I will probably always love him and he will probably always be a part of my life”, and I’m okay with that” you are letting go.
It’s not an easy place to get to, but it’s one of the most empowering things that can ever happen to a broken heart.
I’m happy for you — and wish you the very best of everything!
I think that is it easier to remain in contact or be friends after a breakup if you were friends before the relationship became romantic. This makes sense considering that both of you know what it is like to be friends without being romantic. It makes the transition from lovers to friends a lot smoother.
You’re right. Unfortunately, so very few men and women today make any effort to be friends as well as romantic lovers. It makes remaining in contact or being friends almost impossible — and getting back together a lot harder.
It doesn’t help with advice that says you can’t be friends with your ex. The notion that being friends with one’s ex is a “weakness'” of sorts perpetuates the notion that friendship and romantic love can’t go together, and that you can’t possibly stay friends with a person you’re still in love with; but more importantly, it discourages people from learning and practicing the very skills that make relationships both satisfying and lasting.
I was able to move on with no contact. It wasn’t a trick or a game. I really wanted out of that relationship.
Why on earth do you want to talk to the person that just dumped YOU? You’re not friends, you’re obviously not going to convince them to “come back” otherwise they wouldn’t be dumping you, so exactly why do you need to communicate with them at all?
I appreciate where you are coming from, it’s a common argument for “no contact”. Unfortunately, there are so many assumptions in your premise:
1. Not everyone is “NOT” friends with their ex. Some of us have relationships in which we are both friends and lovers, and even when the “lovers” part is interrupted or ends, the “friends” part is still very strong.
2. There are so many valid and invalid reasons someone dumps another… and there are some people that should be dumped. But just because someone dumps another does not always mean they do not love the dumpee or that the relationship is over.
3. Some ex’s do “come back”. Reality bears testimony to that. It doesn’t happen for everyone, but it does happen.
4. Not everyone communicates with their ex because they NEED to. Only needy people feel that they “need’ to communicate.
5. There is a difference between “needing” to communicate and “wanting” to communicate. Emotionally mature and healthy people communicate because they see the value in communication and WANT to communicate.
Sorry but after wishing my ex Merry XMas and Happy Birthday (we broke up 2 weeks ago) to which he responded with a thank you and him ignoring my birthday which is today, I’m living proof that this keeping contact thing doesn’t work, not for me anyway.
Everyone’s situation is different. I don’t know much about your relationship/situation to say this may be why is reacting the way he is. One possibility is that your ex is OVER you and no amount of communication is going to make him want anything to do with you, let alone come back to you.
In other words, your situation is not proof of anything other than that you are looking at things from the filter of your own experience.
My soul searching has led me to see that communication is what killed the relationship. We both share the blame equally. I will communicate differently the next time around.
Yangki, don’t you think that if you are the only one keeping the lines of communication open that you lose and your ex wins? I admit the love is still there, but I don’t want to think that I am weak or lame.
It’s not supposed to be a competition or a game of winner/loser. It’s supposed to be doing what’s best for the relationship.
Make it about winning and losing and you’ll both lose. Make it about creating a happy healthy relationship, and you BOTH WIN.
What about de-friending on Facebook? That is basically eliminating contact. Many therapist suggest it to be healthy to remove them from Facebook quickly, so you can focus on your life. Rather than become a “stalker”
Scenerio: Shortly after our breakup (1 month), he uploaded a picture of him and his new girlfriend. It hurt me because I was still hoping things would work out. So I de-friended him and didn’t tell him.
Would you consider my action as not being emotionally immature? It seems like you and many therapist have contradicting advice for us.
-Really confused now.
I can’t speak for the many therapist who have been advising you. You’ll have to ask them about why they belive you should remove him from your Facebook. From what I know, when a therapist gives you advice like that, they’ve seen something in your psychological make-up that warns them that this particular person has the tendency to become a “stalker”. I don’t see why a well-trained emotionally mature therapist (not all therapist are emotionally mature themselves) would tell an emotionally healthy person with no psychological red flags, “remove your ex from Facebook quickly rather than become a “stalker”.
As for communication with one’s ex, my position is clear: if you want to move on and have nothing to do with someone, then cutting off all lines of communication makes sense for some people. I say “some people” because not everyone needs to cut off someone from their lives to move on. Some of us can still transition very well with that person in our lives. It all depends on one’s emotional make-up, the type of relationship two people had and what the other person did to warrant being cut off.
But if you want a relationship with someone — any kind of relationship — there has to be communication. Communication is that invisible thread that links two people together.
No contact is the only way to go if you want move on more quickly. Keeping contact with your ex prolongs the healing period. Only time heals all wounds.
I hate to burst your bubble… the “time all wounds” is a myth. Some wounds heal with time; some wounds appear to have healed after some time has passed, but burst open later on; and some wounds never heal at all.
And while it’s true that “no contact” is one of the best ways to MOVE ON (you can still move on even with contact), it is not true that “no contact” necessarily helps you move on more quickly. What facilitates a quick bounce back is healthy processing of your emotions. Some people need “no contact” to be able to process their emotions, and others do not. It all depends on one’s comfort with difficult to process emotions, emotional maturity and/or emotional resilience.
Maintaining contact with an ex requires a great deal of self control. It’s much easier for me to walk away and never contact her again but deep down I know we have strong feelings for each other and she says as much. So even if it’s NOT always easy, I believe that it is worth it at every level.
Yangki, I find your advice honest and practical. My biggest hurdle to overcome has been letting go of the fears that hold me back from initiating contact with my ex. Knowing that that exes can relate and communicate in a meaningful authentic way without dragging a lot of drama into it has helped me start initiating contact more. He seems genuinely happy when I contact him.
I agree that communication is so important but it is hard when you are the only adult in the equation. My ex is too immature and irresponsible and has no interest in acting in a respectful manner. I still do love him and want him back?
The issue here is not communication, the issue in your own words is that he is too immature and irresponsible and has no interest in acting in a respectful manner. I don’t know whether he is who you say he is or it’s just you trying to find a reason for why things aren’t working, but if it’s true that he is who you say he is, it’s not going to work.
You are either going to keep trying to change him into a more mature and responsible adult who acts respectfully, and he will keep fighting you all the way, OR the two of you will keep getting back together and breaking up again and again, until one of you walks away for good.
Yangki, I think we are in the push/pull phase that you mention in your ebook. After chatting everyday for nearly a month he told me we couldn’t keep chatting like we were still a couple. We’ve been textiing every 2 – 3 days mostly him initiating it. At times I feel like I don’t want to talk to him, but I do love him and don’t want us to go back to no contact.
This is not the typical push/pull dynamic I describe in the eBook, but you are right, there is some pulling back on his side. And in my opinion, he is actually being VERY reasonable in that you not a couple! As I said in the eBook, when contact does not match reality, it’s a good thing to slow it down a bit to match reality — or less you’ll go too fast and reality will force you to STOP, sometimes it’s too late.
Appreciate what he is doing instead of not feeling like not talking because he’s being reasonable. Your frustration stems from some issues with neediness, clinginess, control or even insecurity. You need to work on that because those issues will mess it up for you.
What are some examples of things to say in a conversation to give it more emotional value?
I’ve been reading your blog for the past few days and it is truly inspiring. I appreciate your approach because everyone is different. It does not make sense to me that there is one rule for everyone that works 100% of the time like many claim of the NC rule.
I couldn’t agree more. When someone is over you, no contact to make them miss you is a waste of time. I did all that I could when she told me she wanted out of our 6-year relationship. Begging, pleading, raging, and finally no contact, but nothing that I did or said or promised made any difference to her. She was done, finished.
No contact is for losers. I told my ex it was OVER and I was moving on. He wrote me this pathetic email about how it’s for the best and he needs no contact for sometimes to heal. I didn’t even bother to respond. Yesterday, I got a text from him asking how I am. I texted him back “What part of OVER don’t you get?” He texted me back about something interesting he wants to tell me…blah, blah…
I don’t want him back and don’t want him contacting me, but I also don’t want to be rude at the same time. How should I respond?
You horn on something I’ve been labouring to communicate to “no contact rule” believers, and that is: When someone is over you, they really do not care what you do.
My advice is, ignore the “I have something interesting I want to tell you” text. It’s one of those scripts/advice people who use no contact rule are advised to say… do a Google search and you’ll find the script somewhere.
Instead politely but assertively tell him you wish him well but you just don’t want him contacting you anymore. It is OVER, you moved on and so should he.
my ex told me not to contact him again because i got drunk and started crying and calling out his name at home and my friend told him about it the next day and i apologised but he just told me to get a life and stop contacting him.
any advice?
1) Don’t drink if you can’t handle alcohol;
2) If you drink, choose who you are drunk in front of;
3) Get a life!
Thank you soo much Yangki. I have been following your Dating EX E-Book and its fantastic. My ex girlfriend broke up with me after a 5 year relationship. Since then we have remained in contact and I have stayed positive. To my surprise, she text my parents wishing them a happy thanks giving. We are currently making plans for the holidays. I don’t know where this will lead but maintaining contact works wonders! : )
If you don’t want someone back and moving on with your life, just tell him/her you are moving on, and do not want any contact from him/her. If you want him/her back, don’t tell him/her you want no contact then contact him/her after sometime. It is confusing to the other person.
I’ve used NC in the past with some success. After 1 – 4 weeks they usually contacted me. It’s different this time. I initiated NC and expected my ex to contact me but after 5.5 weeks of not hearing from her, I contacted her. I have sent her 3 texts in the span of 2 weeks with no response. I’m told by mutual friends that she’s happily dating and serious with the new guy. I still love her very much and keep thinking of her and it brings back all the pain of losing her.
Just wanted to say to those out there using NC, sometimes it will come back to haunt you.
Im looking for a bit of insight/advice here. My girlfriend and I just recently Broke up, I got the whole “we have to talk” line And she told me that She still loves me but has to get her life back on track, She also said once she does she wants to be with me. she then told me she loves me but not as much, and we “arent working out…at least right now” i just wonder what you think would be the best way to approach the situation Thankyou for any help.
I wrote an article – What To Do When Your Ex Needs Time to Work On Him/Herself. It answers the question of how you approach these kind of situations. There are also several articles/comment responses where others have asked the same question. Please use the search button and you’ll find similar questions and answers. I see no need to address it again as a unique situation or question.
My ex-girlfriend is all of a sudden acting distant after 3 weeks of constant contact and her asking me if I wanted us to try the relationship again. I said yes, and now she’s not responding to my texts. I have not contacted her for 6 days. She reached out to me by text, do you think I should respond?
Yes. It doesn’t help you to also start acting distant. You’re only going to grow further apart. I also suggest you tell her you are confused by the sudden distance, and give her the chance to explain herself. It could be something to do with you/the relationship — or something completely unrelated (she does have a life outside of you!).
Bottom line, communicate like grown-ups instead of trying to out do each other with “who cares more” tactics. You both lose.
I don’t agree that it is the dumpee’s responsibility to initiate contact. If someone dumps you it’s upto them to contact you out of respect. Contacting them is losing your dignity after what they’ve done to you.
I respect your views. However, there are no rules as to who should contact who. I think it’s each individual to decide on what’s best for the relationship.
My personal view is that a person thinking..” it’s upto them to contact you out of respect. Contacting them is losing your dignity after what they’ve done to you”, wasn’t a good communicator during the relationship.
How does it feel to know that someone is deliberately ignoring you or doing things behind your back to hurt you? That’s how no contact feels like. And if you think your ex does not know about the no-contact strategy, you must be living in an alternative universe.
It’s been 6 weeks since the breakup and I haven’t contacted my ex and he hasn’t contacted me. He broke it off because he no longer had love for me and I reacted badly. I’m wondering, if I should write him a letter telling him that I have accepted the breakup and I’m okay with it.
What do you hope to accomplish? If you feel that writing him a letter will get closure for you, then do it for you, but don’t expect the letter to change how your ex feels about you.
Yangki, how do you deal with an ex that is so mad at you that an apology about how I acted and hurt him makes him even more mad at me? I’ve tried to apologize to my ex but all he does is blame me. An apology seems to just fuel his animosity towards me.
Leave him alone. I’d be pretty ticked off too if someone was trying to force-feed me an apology.
Unfortunately force-feeding an apology is something many of us do. When we apologize, we want and expect some sort of immediate feedback to show us that our act of “selflessness” is not in vain. If you are truly sincere and authentic with your apology, then allow him the choice to accept your apology — or not accept it.
I think I messed up again, love doctor.
Regular contact, fun dates, generally all is going really great, i ask her about a guy in her facebook photos, 4 different photo, said he was just a friend but me i couldn’t just let it go and kept pushing and now she will not respond to my texts or calls. How bad have i messed up?
You messed up alright.. (: How bad? I don’t know.
If this is the only major hiccup so far, I wouldn’t worry too much. Stop pushing her to talk to you. Pushing when you should let go is what got here you here in the first place.
Send a text/email saying you’re sorry for not taking her word that this guy was just a friend. In her place, you’d react exactly the way she’s reacting. The experience is another of the many learning moments and you hope she can forgive you.
Then give it a few days. If she responds, don’t start talking about this again, instead pick things up from the “happy” note before this happened. If she doesn’t respond, after a week or so, send a simple casual, “how are you” type text. Send a couple more at intervals before you give up.
Damn! That’s what I should have done, but she was so hot —LOL.
I’ll take your advice. Thank you once again.
Thank you Yangki, I really needed to hear some wise words. I need that SELF-CONTROL so badly — LOL
Anytime…
Make sure that next time you get the “crazy” vibe in the first few dates that you RUN as fast as you can… even if your flyer is not yet zipped up all the way… just keep running… (:
Yangki, I do not believe in no contact whether it is to get your ex back or move on. I’ve never done it to any of my exs and didn’t think I’d ever have to do it until I dumped this crazy woman from hell who can’t stop sending me nasty emails and bitchy texts. I’ve tried to be civil but my patience is pushed to the limit. I’ve never met someone so angry and disgusting. We only dated for 3 months and it was hell. I thought ending the relationship would end my hell but it just opened the door to another hell. Under this circumstances, no contact is the only option.
I’m sorry you are in hell…
I do agree with you that “no response” at all is certainly the best option in your situation. I don’t know if that’ll stop the emails and texts. Some people are angry like that and sometimes you just have to wait it out.
Refuse to engage her energy, completely ignore her attempts to provoke/hurt you and hopefully she’ll feel like a fool and give up.
I know what’s like to be in your place… and wish you all the self-control and patience in the world.
I hate the fact that you are right. I only wish I had followed your advice instead of the no contact advice. The difficult part about breakup advice is that everyone thinks they know something. I really think I messed up going no contact. I knew it in my gut that it was the wrong thing to do. The last time we broke up she said we acted mature about it because we did not act towards each other like most exes do. I’m sure no contact sent the opposite message. I’ve lost her for good.
I should have seen it wasn’t going to end well when my ex didn’t reply to my email telling her I agree with the breakup and needed no contact for sometime. After 6 weeks of no contact I texted her and her reply “Can you please contact me in a few years. Thank you!” I called her and she says her life is less stressful since I stopped contacting her and she’d rather we had no contact ever. I don’t know what else to do.
I don’t think there is anything you can do at this point. You gave her the space to get used to not having you around and now she likes that better than having you around.
May be things will change down the road… but for now, it is what it is. She’s happier not having you in her life! You can’t be angry at someone else for being happy.
I broke my 3 week no contact with my ex. I sent her a letter telling her how much I love her. I must sound so desperate but I can no longer pretend I don’t love her or miss her. Yangki, please give me advice, did I just make a fool of myself. I appreciate all other replies but would rather hear from Yangki. Thanks.
Going from no contact for three weeks to a letter telling her how much you love her is pretty desperate. But it’s done. You can’t put back the spilt milk in the jar.
If she does respond, take it from there… baby steps. Slowly build things up to a place where she’s comfortable being with you again before you start telling her how much you love her. When you guys first started dating, you didn’t tell her how much you love her right away. There was a build up to it. It should be the same way, even if you’ve dated her before.
If she does not respond… give it a week or so, then send a simple “how are you” text or email. Is she still doesn’t respond, you get the message…
In the meantime, work on why you broke up in the first place. Telling someone how much you love them doesn’t reassure them that the relationship a second time round will be better than the one they walked away from.
LOL… that has crossed my mind. I guess I’ll just have to keep ignoring her until she really gets the message.
Btw, I just wanted to say, this is the only blog I’ve come across that provides sane advice on handling these kind of situations. I’ve really benefited a lot reading your articles.
I’m just so glad my ex hasn’t called me for one week. She’s called me everyday since we broke up three weeks ago, most of the time when she’s drunk. I told her there is no way we’re getting back together but she just wouldn’t take no for an answer. So while I agree that keeping contact is necessary if you want your ex back, I also think no contact is necessary if you don’t want them back. How else will they get the message?
I happen to agree, “The easiest way to send a message that you do not want a relationship with someone is cut off lines of communication…”
Let’s hope she got the message and not deceiving herself that “no contact” for a few weeks will make you change your mind… don’t underestimate humankind’s capacity for self-delusion.
Coming across this particular blog was very fortuitous for me. My ex and I broke up almost a month ago. We agreed to maintain contact but because of too many hurt feelings I haven’t responded to his last two texts and phone call. I now realize that I may be making things worse by acting from hurt and emotions instead of reason and common sense. At my age, I should know better.
Unless the relationship is abusive, you should always be willing to communicate in a civil and respectful manner with your ex. An ex is not someone to be thrown away as if she/he is nothing more than trash to be thrown away. If your ex reaches out to you via a phone call, email or in person respond with common human decency. To not do so lacks character.
I couldn’t have said it better! Adults must function as adults…
Hi, I still have the lines open with my ex but we hardly talk nowdays. She met someone else and it could be a rebound (not sure). What do you suggest if i want her back? Wait untill their honeymoon stage is over and see if she contacts me?
This answers your question: Facts About Rebound Relationships.
I did the no contact thing, felt bad about it and contacted my ex. We’ve been in communication for the last month or so. I must admit that it’s been so hard but it’s getting better. When we text everything is fine but when we talk on the phone, we have very uncomfortable moments. Most of the time my words are misunderstood and twisted and I have to do a lot of walking back and explaining. Reading your Dating Your Ex eBook and other books has helped but we still have those uncomfortable moments.
Navigating communication with your ex will always be uncomfortable in the beginning. You can’t just say anything or do the things you used to do with her. But if you follow the “effective contact” strategies and also the advice on dealing with an ex who seems pissed off at you, you will make progress. It takes time, but it can be done.
Maybe I have just been lucky, but I have never had an ex I didn’t want to talk to or see again. Perhaps its because the men I’ve been involved with have all have wonderful personal qualities I appreciate in other human beings, regardless of whether I’m romantically involved with them or not. When the relationships didn’t work out, sometimes they did the leaving and sometimes I did, I never wanted to lose them completely and they didn’t want to lose me either. We didn’t see the point in throwing away that even if the “relationship” didn’t work out. Some of them are happily married and others are still single, but I’ve always felt its never just one person’s fault that the relationship didn’t work out, so why hold grudges?
You are lucky in that you chose to make “friendship” the most solid thing about your relationships. Many men and women don’t try to be friends with the people they date, have a relationship with or even marry — others even have no clue how to be friends with their lover. No surprise they don’t try to (and can’t) be friends with their ex. There was nothing there to begin with — and nothing to build on after the “romance” is over.
And you are right… it’s never just one person’s fault, and sometimes it’s never anyone’s fault that the relationship ends. The timing could have been wrong or the two of you could have naturally grown Apart. The hardest part for many is accepting that sometimes relationships just end — and there is no one to blame.
Very dignified post. If love is to be successful, if relationships are to be successful, we must give up the absurd notion that there is something “heroic” or “strong” about “no contact”. We must learn that if we have any situation where we feel rejected or misunderstood there is a good reason for it. It’s best to face the truth, analyze why and be willing to communicate to understand how you can be a better person for it.
The willingness to face difficult experiences head on is not a weakness but rather a sign of strength.
Yangki, I understand some people’s argument for “no contact” after a breakup but for me I don’t think that’s the way to go if one wants to become strong emotionally.
Other than one breakup I had a very hard time dealing with, in all my other breakups I’ve transitioned fairly well. But even with my difficult breakup, I maintained communication and we worked together to move on. She wanted to know why and I gave her the answers and vice versa. I felt I owed her that as someone I shared my life and intimate moments with for 2 years.
To walk away from someone you supposedly cared for without so much as “how are you” seems to me to be childish.
I believe it’s all about our beliefs about relationships and how we handle our emotions, especially those related to a break-up.
People who transition well from emotionally devastating experiences like a break-up (or even death) have had years of practice processing their painful emotions in a healthy way. They are just as devastated by a break-up but don’t feel the need to distance from the experience or suppress or avoid their painful emotions, and as a result they not only bounce back faster, they also have better relationships with their ex.
Sadly, “No Contact” advice encourages more people to avoid or shut down healthy processing of painful emotions, making them emotionally fragile. When we run away or distance ourselves from feelings we don’t like to feel, we become more and more emotionally sheltered and insecure, and less and less emotionally resilient.
I like this article and totally agree. He ended it November of last year, I tried to get him back but he wanted none of it and wanted to be just friends. He found someone and I found someone else but we remained friends and he even came to visit me in my state where I had moved after the breakup. January this year the new guy and I broke up because he totally ignored me when I was hospitalized for two weeks. He brought me flowers once and that’s the last I saw of him. My ex on the other hand drove up 8 hours and stayed with me for 4 days after I was discharged from hospital. He cooked, cleaned, did laundry etc. Only a friend would do that. On the day he left, he told me he had some mistakes to fix. He texted me 2 days later to say he had broken up with his new girlfriend because he realized he still loved me. We’ve been together for almost 2 months and I couldn’t be any happier.
If it didn’t work move on. The best way to break up is to make a clean break and never look back.
Believe it or not Quincy, not all of us have lousy relationships or have exes we don’t want anything to do with. There are some people who have good relationships with exes that are worth either getting back or at least keeping in one’s life.
Not all of us burn every bridge we cross!
Thank you for your encouraging website. My ex and I had a mutual breakup. We were together for 11 years and got tired of one another. I felt relieved when we agreed to break up. We maintained contact with each other and hang out once in a while. After 1 year of separation I’m finding myself attracted to her again. We both have undergone tremendous transformation and are literary different people. In your opinion, do you think I can get her back or is it even a bad idea to think about it? Please reply because I value your opinion very much. You’ve been spot on many issues and yours is the most honest and positive relationship advice I’ve read. I’d really like to hear from you.
If you strongly feel that trying to get her back is what you want, then go for it. Can you be successful getting her back? I don’t know. It will depend on how she feels about you and what she wants.
The two of you were mature enough to agree that the relationship wasn’t working, mature enough to call if off on good terms, mature enough to maintain contact and build on what was left of the old relationship, AND mature enough to work on your own issues separately. I believe you are mature enough to handle any issues related to trying it again. I REALLY do!
The thing I don’t like about no contact is sticking to a rigid plan. I’ve never been one to follow a rigid plan let alone anyone else’s. It’s like having tunnel vision because you can’t see the other opportunities that arise. That’s one reason I found your eBook more to my taste. It encourages one to seek opportunities and act on them. I don’t feel the pressure to do anything and don’t get overwhelmed when things are not working as planned. They’ve been times when I feel complete resistance from her but I just ride the wave and at some point things get back on track. I’m taking your word that it’s not easy but it is possible. Who knows where we will be 2 months from now. For now, I’m just focusing on the present and on getting her to warm up to me.
You have the right attitude for this process. People who get easily overwhelmed, worriers and over-analyzers often don’t get far because they allow themselves to be distracted from focusing on the present. If you do “the present” right, you’ll not have to worry about the future because what you do now has a big impact on ‘the future”.
“Seek opportunities and act on them” is the way to go. You’ll do just fine!
If it’s any comfort… I’m not good at sticking to rigid rules either. But I’m sure you already figured that out reading my eBook…(:
The reason many are drawn to no contact rule is because many are not good communicators. They fear that they might annoy their ex and is just best to stay away.
Clearly people who are good communicators know how to let others know their feelings and negotiate conflict of desires. They do not need no contact.
A very good point…(: I’ve never met a good communicator, confident in his or her abilities to “communicate” who thought “avoidance” was a good strategy.
Love, love, love love your “name”!!!!
Thanks for taking time to write about this topic. What I think it really all comes down to is what you can tolerate. When I broke up with my ex she wanted us to stay in touch but I didn’t know if I would be able to do it because I tried it in the past and had to eventually stop responding to her emails and phone calls. I’m a lot more emotionally mature now mainly due to having done a lot of inner work. She and I agreed that we would just keep in touch with no expectations. It’s made all the difference. We’ve developed a friendship that we did not have when we were together. We are more open with each other and tell each other almost everything. I’ve never had a relationship like this with any woman before, sex always got in the way. If we ever get back together, the relationship will be much stronger.
I agree that communication is central to any relationship, but what if your ex is the one that does not want contact? Do you continue to contact them?
Good question. There is an article that you will find helpful: How To Respond to Your Ex’s No Contact Rule
I pissed him off texting too much, apologizing and calling him names at the same time. He told me to leave him alone and I did for 6 weeks. I blocked him from my phone, email account, and facebook. I also changed phone numbers so he could not contact me from a different phone number. After 6 weeks of no contact, I sent him a long apology email and asked if we could be friends to which I got no response. I sent him a few textx which he also did not reply. I then went to him work place to apologize and he could not even see me instead called security. I waited for him in the parking lot but when he saw me he called the police. I admit I did some things I should not have done. I just wanted him to know was sorry. Now I can’t even contact him because he has a no contact order against me. I want him back I miss him so much!
When it gets to a point of a No Contact Order, it’s best to let it go and move on.
You may not like the idea of no-contact but pleading and begging is shows that you are desperate. You lose respect if you continue chasing after your ex like a “puppy dog”. No contact will get your ex to respect you because they’ll see you are practicing self-love and start wondering if they made a mistake. No-contact will make you more attractive and desirable once again.
That right there is THE problem. If you see pleading and begging or no-contact as the only two communication options available, then you have bigger problems than getting your ex back.
There are healthier and mature ways to gain respect and validation than trying to manipulate someone to reverse a decision they made about you.
I’m not going to get into an argument about “No Contact”. All you think “No Contact” rule can and will do is just a theory in your head. When you actually succeed in getting your ex back and have been together for at least three months without breaking up again… holla me and we’ll talk.
I think that it is important that once you decide not to contact your ex to not break the no-contact rule. See, when your ex breaks up with you, they are saying I do not want to be with you anymore. They are setting the rules of contact. Using no-contact is reversing their rules and setting your own. It puts pressure on your ex to take you back because she can not stand not hearing from you. Yes, its so hard to be in no-contact. I want nothing more than call my ex and tell her how much I love her but I’m determined to hold my ground until she contacts me.
You might want to put a disclaimer on that: “ASSUMING your ex can not stand not hearing from you”…. or something like that. I’ve seen many delude themselves…
If you are trying to WIN the contest of wills, you may find that you have won the contest but lost the prize. It might help to view this process not as a contest that must be won but a relationship that must be saved.
I work as a mediator and one of the things you learn very fast in the job is: no clear lines of communication = no negotiation. Even when both parties find keeping lines of communication open to be painful working at making sure there is communication flow establishes a foundation for positive sentiment and goodwill toward each other. Abandoning communication creates suspicion and a more negative view of each other.
So true. I believe that many people know this intuitively but the emotions associated with feeling unwanted often get in the way. Keeping the lines of communication open while battling feelings of unworthiness and hurt self-esteem can be intimidating. But as you brilliantly stated, when people stop talking to each other, it “creates suspicion and a more negative view of each other”.
I’m confused. Are you saying one should not be concerned about when to contact their ex or how many times their ex? This can cause a serious problem if being needy and contacting your ex all the time was the reason you broke up.
If it matters at all, we live in different cities about 45 minutes drive from each other. I was thinking of asking to see her since I’ll be in her city the weekend after this one. I don’t want her to feel any pressure. I believe coaching would help me approach the situation with more success. Sorry for posting two comments.