There are good reasons and bad reasons to keep communication open with your ex. But if you want your ex back, the good reasons to stay in contact outweigh the bad ones. On top of the list of good reasons is the importance of having open lines of communication.
Communication is one of the top causes, if not, “the” top cause of break-ups. It’s no surprise that “communicating with your ex” is one of the biggest challenges post break-up; and also the most polarizing when it comes to how to attract back your ex.
Reasons to keep communication open and not to go no contact
Some people believe no contact will make their miss them and want to come back. Others like myself believe that; the easiest way to send a message to your ex that you don’t want anything to do with them now or ever is to cut off communication. The message you send is that you want to be left alone and not be contacted; and most exes listen to you and never reach out.
Let alone the fact that it is harder to reconnect with an ex after weeks of no contact than most people realize. In your head is looks all clear. After no contact, you will reach out and your ex will be happy to hear from you. But the reality is much different than the theory in your head. Some exes will respond, but most exes don’t respond. Even when they respond, you will struggle to get back that emotional connection; because emotions are not something you can just turn on and off at will.
If you want your ex to know that you want them to contact you; it is necessary to keep the lines of communication open. To send the message that you are open to some form of contact.
These 5 compelling reasons to keep communication open with your ex increase the chances you will get back together:
1. Keep communication open with your ex to slowly rebuild trust
Break-ups leave lingering feelings of suspicion, mistrust and tension, particularly when things haven’t been going well for a while. The message you send by blocking communication is that the relationship is beyond repair. That message is louder and clearer if poor communication or trust was what caused the break-up in the first place.
2. Keep communication open with your ex to stay up-to-date
After a break-up, things simply are not what they appear to be even if you think you know your ex. Loss of communication means that you are disconnected from each other and from what’s happening in each other’s lives. The longer you stay away, the more disconnected the two of you become. You become “strangers” to each other.
Keeping the lines of communication keeps you up-to-date with what’s important to your ex. These can be topics for emotionally connecting conversations.
3. Keep communication open with your ex so you can show you are safe
Willingness and ability to keep the lines of communication open in unpleasant situations is a one of the traits of a securely attached person It shows you are secure within yourself and are able to compartmentalize your emotions. While “No Contact” helps you avoid misunderstandings and potentially explosive situations, it sends a subtle but powerful message about your inability to handle your own emotions and the emotions of others. Whatever happens later, it’s hard to change the implanted image of someone who can’t handle difficult emotions.
4. Keep communication open with your ex to take advantage of opportunities to show your ex you’ve changed
Many people don’t believe people change, until they can actually see the change. Your ex is more likely to believe you have changed if they can experience the change as it happens than if you disappear for months and reappear claiming you have changed. Open lines of communication give you opportunities to demonstrate that things can be different.
If for example, the relationship ended because you argued a lot or you overreacted to things, open lines of communication offer you opportunities to avoid arguing or show you can listen to your ex and accept their perspective and not overreact simply because you disagree.
5. Keep communication open with your ex to assess your chances sooner than later
So many people waste 1-3 months doing ‘no contact’ and holding hope of getting their ex back only to reach out and find their ex has moved on; or doesn’t want anything to do with them. Open lines of communication provide better clarity of where things stand and if there is even a remote possibility of the two of you getting back together. If you see there is no hope, you can cut your loses and move on.
As you can see, keeping the lines of communication open with your ex significantly increases your chances of getting back together.
To make the best of the open lines of communication, make sure that you focus on quality and respectful communication instead of just timed contact. It is also important that you don’t expect or demand the kind of contact and communication that two people who are still together enjoy.
A break-up changes everything. Trying to force things to be like before the break-up can do more harm than good. You find yourselves continuing the destructive pattern of communication that caused the break-up; and things are getting worse instead of better.
Why Avoidants Get Angry When You Reach Out After No Contact
The TRUTH About “No Contact” Experts Don’t Talk About
My wife divorced me because I neglected her as a husband and we have a kid and I neglected him in my role as a father, he is in care, now she is in a different country. Do you think this situation is irreversible? I know this is a bit off topic but I am worried, my eyes have opened when it was too late, and the only thing I want in this world is to make things right. Also I usually initiate the conversations we have, I decided to let her take the initiative and contact me and it’s now been a week, she works though, should I be worried? Any help would be truly appreciated Mrs/Miss Akiteng, all sorts of scenarios are going through my mind.
Neglect as the only reason for a break-up is reversable. But in my experience, there are usually other reasons attached to “neglect” that make getting back together harder, if not impossible.
Should you be concerned that she hasn’t initiated contact in a week? Yes. You have to be relatively sure your ex is emotionally invested in keeping the lines of communication open and interested in wanting to make things work before you let them initiate contact. If you haven’t created enough emotional momentum or your ex isn’t emotionally engaged (yet), letting them initiate contact is self-sabotage.
I tend to be a fearful avoidant although at times I can be anxious and needy, and a lot of advice I read seems to be leading me more towards avoidance. I spent the last week on your site and already I can sense a shift in how I think and how I respond to my ex. I feel less fear reaching out and my ex has so far been amazingly responsive. I want to be more securely attached and this site has been a great help. Thank you.
It is good to read feedback like yours. It’s always my hope that in some small way I can contribute to others finding their way to secure attachment.
You are right in your observation. It is more difficult for someone with an insecure attachment style (anxious, fearful, or avoidant) to provide advice geared towards being securely attached without first becoming secure themselves. Their advice will be influenced by their own attachment style.
All the very best on your journey to secure attachment!
Thank you, Yangki. I’ll keep reading your blog. May be I can get her back but it’s hard to see how.
Btw, your site is the best by far, class of it’s own. 🙂 🙂 🙂
Try moving the negativity, pessimism, cynicism and anger out of the way… it’s a lot easier to see more clearly without all that crap in front, behind and all around you!!!
Believe you will get back together and your actions and words will follow suit.
Okay, you succedded in making me smile. I still love her and want her back, I just feel helpless and unsure about how to proceed.
Then spend some time here reading different articles and comments — with an OPEN mind. No one says it’s easy especially when you both still have raw feelings. The bottom line is that: if you still want a relationship with her, you have to find ways to stay connected even as you honour each other’s space. Sometimes that means you initiating conversations even when it is difficult, and to keep trying again and again and again.
This whole blog and articles against no contact is crap. No contact is the best. She broke my heart and I will not be further humiliated by trying to communicate with her. If she wants me, she will contact me but otherwise no communication from me. It is about my masculinity.
“It is about my masculinity”… (I am not even going to comment).
It’s unfortunate you found yourself on the wrong blog, but I’m sure this will make you smile… somehow…
You are allowed to make your own decisions as to whether you want to keep the lines of communication with your ex open — OR NOT! That is your right. Hold on to it!
I just want to say I’m one of those who does not want to use no contact and have found this site to be an amazing resource. I think that if someone is conflicted about using no contact it is because a part of them knows that will hurt the relationship. They want someone else to say go ahead and do it so that they don’t feel responsible when things turn out badly. Just my opinion.
Hmm.. interesting. Relationships like human nature have a way of refusing to be “ruled”. The more rules you put in place, the more resistance you get. I guess that’s why people who are a lot more flexible are better at relationships and dealing with other people in general.
The “rules” followers and control freaks find themselves constantly frustrated and unhappy because when it comes to relationship, “the rules” just don’t work as they are supposed to.
Yangki, I understand your point but I think that by continuing communication with your ex, you are reinforcing that he is a great guy. This can get to his head and he will see you as not over him. I kept contact with my ex who is a total jerk and he broke my heart over and over and over again. So now I am doing no contact and blocked him from contacting me. He told one of our mutual friends I am being ridiculous, he’ll never agree that he is a jerk. Whatever anyone says about no contact, I’m determined not to contact him until he contacts me. He is on a dating site so I know he is still single.
“Reinforcing that he is a great guy…” isn’t that what relationships are about!?
I can understand if he is not a great guy at all, but if he is a great guy, what’s wrong with him knowing you think he is a great guy? If this guy is the jerk you say he is, what does it say about you wanting back someone you think is a total jerk? And if he is indeed a jerk, what makes you think he gives a hoot that you are doing “No Contact”?
My advice on “No Contact” is for those who don’t want to do it. But for those who want to do it, who am I to say “don’t do “No Contact?” … YOUR relationship, YOUR decision… (: