A friend sent me a link to Lori Gottlieb article in wowowow.com. Just in case you’re wondering what all the wowos mean, it’s a women on the Web website.
The article is a recap of her new book which reveals why you may be wrong about Mr. Right. Ms. Gottlieb writes, “You can’t just order up the perfect husband á la carte. I’ll take a little of this, a little of that, less of this and more of that. Recognizing that isn’t settling. It’s maturity. The key is to focus on the qualities that lead to long-term romantic happiness”.
In my humble opinion, no one should have to “settle” and I do not believe people should get into a relationship all for the sake of having one, but I also believe that many women are getting just too picky.
There is just too much uncompromising rigidity and too many “rules” out there that make it almost impossible for any man to meet the Mr. Perfect standards even if he meets all the standards for Mr. Right.
Some women don’t even know what it what anymore. They get too picky on things that they don’t even know why they’re picky about, and not picky enough on things that really matter to happiness, fulfillment and success in relationships. Many get drunk on chemistry with someone with zero compatibility and others want everything but bring nothing to the relationship except a list of demands and expectations.
According to Ms. Gottlieb, she learned five basic traits in a partner that are not deal breakers and don’t really determine happiness, fulfillment and success in relationships.
1. His height
Ms. Gottlieb’s advice: Maybe if you spent an hour with Danny DeVito or Robert Reich, all of a sudden you would say, “You know what? This is somebody I could actually spend my life with” – even though the height is never going to be ideal. It all depends on what else he brings to the table.
My advice: I was for many years guilty of 6 ‘1 and above preference, so I really have no right telling others “don’t be too picky.” All I can say is, I’ve met and know many men (some 5’2) and they make me ashamed of myself but I am above average in height and with heels on, they have to be taller than me otherwise that on-my-toes-kiss is not happening.
2. His Online profile
Ms. Gottlieb’s advice: Don’t rule out a guy because you think you know what it means that he misspelled a word or likes Madonna. You have no idea who this person is until you meet him. An online profile “is like reading the ingredients on a box of food and trying to imagine what it would taste like.”
My advice: While it’s good practice — in fact a necessity – to try to weed out time wasters, keep in mind that nobody is perfect – at least not all the time. Besides, some of the “perfect” too-good-to-be-true smooth operators are the ones you should be weary of.
3. His Occupation
Ms. Gottlieb’s advice: It’s okay to be attracted to super-ambitious and charismatic guys who are leaders — but it’s hard to find a person who has that kind of personality and also makes time for you and is able to put you first when it counts. So don’t count out Joe, the cute elementary school teacher…
My advice: She’s right, ladies! Sam the cute elementary school teacher may not be your everyday so-called-‘Alpha- Male’ but if he can handle kids, he’s most likely also assertive, confident, sensitive, kind, responsible and reliable – and may be really hot and super- charismatic too!
4. His age
Ms. Gottlieb’s advice: It doesn’t really matter much in the scheme of things if he is 12 years older but still handsome. You’re going to be wrinkled one day and thrilled to be with a man who finds you attractive anyway.
My advice: This one is a controversial one. I think that when looking at age, one has to look beyond “looking the age” to “compatibility” (i.e. stage in life, life goals and dreams, interests and hobbies, how they fit in with your social circle etc.).
5. How he compares to “my type”
Ms Gottlieb’s advice: People can surprise you. Ms Gottlieb says she ended up falling hard for a 5’6″, balding, bow-tie-wearing guy. He wasn’t who she had in mind, but he was who she wanted to be with. And that, of course, is the thing that matters most
My advice: People can REALLY surprise you. Choose carefully, but don’t be too picky, and live to regret it.
There you have Ms Gottlieb’s advice and my advice…-eh-eh-em… commentary. What have you learned over the years and what is your advice? Any leavers with regrets? You just never know who might be reading this today and will think twice about dismissing Mr. or Ms. Right.
Dear Doctor, Your website has been most inspiring. Not only on a relationship basis but also finding a better spiritual self. My relationship ended 3 months ago. It was complicated. I have had a 12 yr relationship with a wonderful person. But my affair started 8 months ago, when my partner went to prison for two yrs. During a failed prison visit when i tried visiting him after a 24 hr plane ride, the pain was so overwhelming i decided to date to rid the pain. But it all ended when i commited to take this long journey again to see my partner in prison. Insecurities set in and once the relationship is on a downhill slide. We both agree no contact for the next few months. Why play games when i could have moved on. I could have even married him but i guess time ran out. As the saying goes, if you love someone – set time free, If they are yours – they will come back. Once again, thank you Yangki. Your words are written with heart and compassion.
I think self esteem for women is a vital part of choosing a guy of her dreams.