5 Male Basic Attraction Traits – Not Deal Breakers (Maybe?)

A friend sent me a link to Lori Gottlieb article in wowowow.com. Just in case you’re wondering what all the wowos mean, it’s a women on the Web website.

The article is a recap of her new book which reveals why you may be wrong about Mr. Right. Ms. Gottlieb writes, “You can’t just order up the perfect husband á la carte. I’ll take a little of this, a little of that, less of this and more of that. Recognizing that isn’t settling. It’s maturity. The key is to focus on the qualities that lead to long-term romantic happiness”.

In my humble opinion, no one should have to “settle” and I do not believe people should get into a relationship all for the sake of having one, but I also believe that many women are getting just too picky.

There is just too much uncompromising rigidity and too many “rules” out there that make it almost impossible for any man to meet the Mr. Perfect standards even if he meets all the standards for Mr. Right.

Some women don’t even know what it what anymore. They get too picky on things that they don’t even know why they’re picky about, and not picky enough on things that really matter to happiness, fulfillment and success in relationships. Many get drunk on chemistry with someone with zero compatibility and others want everything but bring nothing to the relationship except a list of demands and expectations.

According to Ms. Gottlieb, she learned five basic traits in a partner that are not deal breakers and don’t really determine happiness, fulfillment and success in relationships.

1. His height

Ms. Gottlieb’s advice: Maybe if you spent an hour with Danny DeVito or Robert Reich, all of a sudden you would say, “You know what? This is somebody I could actually spend my life with” – even though the height is never going to be ideal. It all depends on what else he brings to the table.

My advice: I was for many years guilty of 6 ‘1 and above preference, so I really have no right telling others “don’t be too picky.” All I can say is, I’ve met and know many men (some 5’2) and they make me ashamed of myself but I am above average in height and with heels on, they have to be taller than me otherwise that on-my-toes-kiss is not happening.

2. His Online profile

Ms. Gottlieb’s advice: Don’t rule out a guy because you think you know what it means that he misspelled a word or likes Madonna. You have no idea who this person is until you meet him. An online profile  “is like reading the ingredients on a box of food and trying to imagine what it would taste like.”

My advice: While it’s good practice — in fact a necessity – to try to weed out time wasters, keep in mind that nobody is perfect – at least not all the time. Besides, some of the “perfect” too-good-to-be-true smooth operators are the ones you should be weary of.

3. His Occupation

Ms. Gottlieb’s advice: It’s okay to be attracted to super-ambitious and charismatic guys who are leaders — but it’s hard to find a person who has that kind of personality and also makes time for you and is able to put you first when it counts. So don’t count out Joe, the cute elementary school teacher…

My advice: She’s right, ladies! Sam the cute elementary school teacher may not be your everyday so-called-‘Alpha- Male’ but if he can handle kids, he’s most likely also assertive, confident, sensitive, kind, responsible and reliable – and may be really hot and super- charismatic too!

4. His age 

Ms. Gottlieb’s advice: It doesn’t really matter much in the scheme of things if he is 12 years older but still handsome. You’re going to be wrinkled one day and thrilled to be with a man who finds you attractive anyway.

My advice: This one is a controversial one. I think that when looking at age, one has to look beyond “looking the age” to “compatibility” (i.e. stage in life, life goals and dreams, interests and hobbies, how they fit in with your social circle etc.).

5. How he compares to “my type”

Ms Gottlieb’s advice: People can surprise you. Ms Gottlieb says she ended up falling hard for a 5’6″, balding, bow-tie-wearing guy. He wasn’t who she had in mind, but he was who she wanted to be with. And that, of course, is the thing that matters most

My advice: People can REALLY surprise you. Choose carefully, but don’t be too picky, and live to regret it.

There you have Ms Gottlieb’s advice and my advice…-eh-eh-em… commentary. What have you learned over the years and what is your advice? Any leavers with regrets? You just never know who might be reading this today and will think twice about dismissing Mr. or Ms.  Right.

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34 Comments

  1. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: richard

    Dear Doctor, Your website has been most inspiring. Not only on a relationship basis but also finding a better spiritual self. My relationship ended 3 months ago. It was complicated. I have had a 12 yr relationship with a wonderful person. But my affair started 8 months ago, when my partner went to prison for two yrs. During a failed prison visit when i tried visiting him after a 24 hr plane ride, the pain was so overwhelming i decided to date to rid the pain. But it all ended when i commited to take this long journey again to see my partner in prison. Insecurities set in and once the relationship is on a downhill slide. We both agree no contact for the next few months. Why play games when i could have moved on. I could have even married him but i guess time ran out. As the saying goes, if you love someone – set time free, If they are yours – they will come back. Once again, thank you Yangki. Your words are written with heart and compassion.

  2. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Femmevoltage

    Yangki, I agree with everything you’ve said in your post and comments but I also think some not so confident with some self esteem issues guys will use this as further evidence that all women are picky and have high and unreasonable expectations.

    1. I hear you Femmevoltage (cooool handle, I like!)

      I did think about the possibility that this might come across to some as “all women are picky and have high and unreasonable expectations.” But then again any man who thinks so already has “issues” with ALL women and will see anything as confirmation of what he already believes; the same way a woman who has “issues” with men thinks ALL men think with their you-know-what and sees “evidence” of this in anything and everything any man says or does. It’s just one of those things…

  3. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Sage Man

    I actually don’t think I’m all that too picky, but you’re right, some of my male friends are. Like most people I have a criteria for the type of woman I’d like for a partner but it’s not a dead set list.

  4. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: darkpsymon

    I agree but i have noticed men seem to be excepting women more or i might be wrong about this but i am single and available and women just dont seem interested in me. I dont knw what it is about me but women just dont want to knw any tips?
    But here is what i learned the hard way. Love is when two people are willing to make sacrifices for each other why you ask? because even if you find your soul mate you will still have arguments and relationship problems for the simple reason that nobody is perfect i learned the hard that the most special person in your life isnt going to be the perfect person in your life.

  5. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Sage Man

    Women expect men to have it all – perfect job, perfect car, perfect house, perfect parents, perfect body, perfect everything. They’re always looking for someone way out of their league and ignoring or rejecting decent, available men who’d make them happy.

  6. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: MarcusBrig

    It just seems such a tragedy to shut yourself out of potentially finding the best person for you because of some silly prejudices. I used be one of those people so rigid about what is attractive and what isn’t. As I grew older I opened myself to different women from different races and ethnicities. I particularly remember this one woman, great personality, loved life, very affectionate and caring. I never had a connection with any woman that’s so strong. Unfortunately, she did not want to leave her country.

    Great post as usual.

  7. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Terri

    i just threw that last part in because I know a few Gems and they all have that Me, me me attitude. But at any rate, your site is great and I love commenting and I love your advice. I wish I had a computer at home so I could really comment like i want to.

    1. Thanks for your kind words about my site. I enjoy our exchanges as well…

      As for the me me me attitude…. these days you have only to listen or look long enough and everyone is a “gemini”… lol. The irony is many can see it in others but won’t even admit it in themselves… Imho, looking to zodiac signs for answers can be just another distraction people use for not dealing with their real issues… it’s easier to blame it on something else outside oneself…. something beyond one’s control. Just like all the other “looking for love” approaches; it’s a safe place to hide but also the longest and most painful path/way to get to love… that’s if one ever gets there at all.

  8. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Terri

    Hi Yanghki, Actually I am not with him. We’ve been seeing each other off and on for the last 4 years. He has potential and I say that to say because he can be a very sweet man. He just tends to have this “Me” attitude a little too much. I tell him that he can be selfish sometimes and he does not seem to think so. I think I deal with him because we are more friends than lovers. I have been in other relations and so has he. To be real honest Yanghki, I never looked at our relationship as anything more than sexual. He’s tried numerous time to take it further but to no avail. His attitude is just always about him and what HE wants and what HE is going to do. He never says US and to me that says it all. I mentioned that to him also always saying ‘Me’ or ‘I’. He told me that I act like my world revolves around him which I told him not to flatter himself by thinking that. I finally told him just as recent as yesterday that I think he and I should just remain friends and go our own ways before it ends in turmoil. Of course he hung the phone up in my face. Could the fact that he is a Gemini and I am an aquarius be the problem? 🙂 Just kidding 🙂

    1. My apologies… 🙂 I read “I’ve been seeing for the last four years” and assummed you were still seeing each other….

      I don’t know about zodiac compatibility. In my work, I deal with each person as a unique individual human being – and not a sign/label. We all behave the way we do because of WHO WE ARE. Discovering, understanding, healing, accepting, loving and staying true to our individual uniqueness is key to true success in relationships. This is my approach.

  9. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Terri

    Only if he is doing something magnificent for me. I don’t mind taking care of my man as long as he makes me want to do it. It can’t be a one way street and I am definitely not going to be the one to initiate the rubbing. Yangki, I just don’t want to put myself out there like that only for him to try and use it against me. What I mean by that is, if I treat him very special without him having done anything special to me, I would feel like I am being taken for granted.
    When I was married, my ex used to do amazing things for me and to me that no other man has been able to do. I don’t want my ex back by no means, I jsut want a man that is going to treat me better than my ex did. And that is going to be quite hard to do. I ahd mt ex bath water drawn and a good meal cooked for him because of the wonderful things that he did for me that made me want to do those things for him.

    1. I hear you… I suspected there was more to this than just him saying “stupid” things…

      If after being with him for 4 years, he is not already doing very special things for you that make you want to do those things for him, why are you still with him? Aren’t you setting yourself up for disappointment hoping that a guy who hasn’t up to now showed those qualities your ex has will suddenly change and start to do amazing things for you?

      I’m not saying he may never change or that you shouldn’t want what you had with your ex… it just seems like wanting the “impossible”. Is it even fair to him (and to you) that you “compare” him to your ex? And how sure are you that you’re not already being taken for granted or even taken advantage of while he looks elsewhere for a woman who makes him want to do special, magnificent and amazing things for her?

      I’m just saying… 4 years is a loooooong time to “wait” for a guy to step up!!! A long time… especially if you have no intentions of being the one to initiate things… But that’s a topic for another day… another post… 🙂

  10. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Terri

    I must admit that I am picky. I am trying to overcome that obstical because I know that I may be missing out on “That Guy”. It seems that now a days when I meet men, they come off real genuine and then they do something that makes me say “On to the next one”.
    This guy that I have been seeing for the last four years always asks me “why won’t I ever give him all of me” it’s because sometimes he can be sweet and then blurt stupid things out like “He wants a woman who will rub his back and his feet and cook him a good meal and basically cater to him”. That is why he will never have all of me. We will be nothing more than good friends. Someone to kick it with and order take out.
    I am just not built to chase a man down just for him to reject me because I showed interest. And that is what my friend wants. I am not the woman for him and he need to jump down from that pedestal that his mother obviously put him on. And he wonders why he is single.
    The crazy paret about it is, I actually do like him but just not willing to be the slave that he wants. Sorry, but I am just not desperate to be in a relationship.

    1. Picky is one thing… unyielding, uncompromising or lack of win-win negotiating skills is another.

      What’s stupid about rubbing your guy’s back and feet and cooking him a good meal if he has all the other qualities you’re looking for in a guy and is also willing to rub your back and feet and cook you a good meal (or if he can’t cook, do something for you that he is good at… like fix the car, do the plumbing, house repairs etc?).

      A great guy who’s been with you for 4 yrs, a good meal, a good back and feet rub… who needs foreplay? … 😉 I’m stupid like that…lol!

  11. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Madeline

    I regret slowly pushing away my ex husband until he just couldn’t take it anymore and left. I’ve had time to think since he left and wish I could take back all the terrible things I said and did.

  12. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Rayfuss

    I’m Scandinavian and have a preference for women with high cheekbones, blonde hair and full pouty lips. It’s no crime to have a preference.

    1. No it’s no crime and I totally agree with you… 🙂

      The question is not whether or not we should have preferences. The questions is– is your “preference” bringing you a loving, fulfilling and successful relationship or standing in the way – literally.

  13. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Nelly

    I regret almost everyday that I listened to my family and friends and did marry the love of my life. Four years later, I’m still single. He is happily married and his wife and child look very happy.

  14. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Asadi

    I‘m wondering if I should leave b/f and find someone who I feel for with that crazy passion? I’m afraid that if I settled with my current b/f who loves me so much, I’d always wonder what I was missing. But I’m also afraid that if I take a chance with another person, it may not be what I always hoped for. Please advice?

    1. Unfortunately this is so common. You’re not doing either of you a favour. Over time that “dissatisfaction” will turn into recentment (both sides). The reason you stay with someone should be because you love that person, not because you’re afraid of not finding someone else or being alone.

  15. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Modwana

    I was a little too picky when I was younger. I am older and wiser and have come to realize that relationships require making some sacrifices. I’m still cautious but not too picky to the point that I reject dates for as superficial things as his height. Only problem is that there is not really many to pick from :(.

  16. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: DonQ29

    It’s true that women these days are just too picky and on all the wrong things and many of them even don’t know what the hell they really want. On the very first date she wants to know do I have a job and what’s my job title? What car do I drive? Do I live in an apartment or my own house? Why did my last relationship end? How do I feel about going down on a woman? What do I think about marriage and children? Do I think Elin should leave Tiger Woods? Etc. What I do now is carry a little card with all the information printed out and hand it to her before we sit down. Saves me lots of time!

  17. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Hot&Sexy

    Thanks for the article Yangki. My boyfriend is 5’6 and e doesn’t look anything like the physical ideal I always attracted to but he is the most caring, kind and loving man I ever met (and I’ve met plenty. I know that I would still love him even if was 5’2.

  18. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: SiDX

    I can’t imagine hearing that someone is settling for me and wanting to marry that person. It’d do permanent damage to my self-esteem.

  19. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Perfect for ME

    I recently broke up with my girlfriend because we both realized we would be settling and would most likely end up hating each other if we stayed together. I have no regrets because I made the right decision.

  20. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Meredith

    I often find myself thinking about my past relationships and wonder what would have happened if things had worked out. The only regret I have is the years I wasted loving worthless men with momma issues. I just can’t bring myself to compromise and settle. I’d rather be happily single than miserable in a relationship.

  21. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Du-Dinh

    Mr. Right or Ms. Right does not exist. Happiness and fulfillment is from within. We all come into this world on our own and we’ll all be going out of it on our own. Know yourself. Love yourself. You’ll be happy and fulfilled.

  22. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: LisaM

    I recently came across your blog and thought I would leave my first comment. I’m friends with my ex of 2 years, but whenever I see him my heart breaks all over again. I still love him and regret breaking up with him. The chemistry we had was the best I ever had with any guy, and I miss him terribly. He is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

  23. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: LiveLoveLaugh

    My ex was Mr. Right, not Mr. Perfect and not exactly the most exciting guy in the world but a good guy. I cheated on him and will regret it to the day I die. I recently met a guy I believe is Mr. Right. Only time will tell.

    Btw, I love your blog.

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