4 Ways To Take It Slow With A Fearful Avoidant Ex

If you are reading this article it means that you’ve probably heard or read that taking it slow is the best approach to getting back your ex.

But what does taking it slow with your ex really mean?

Taking it slow in anything means slowing the pace at which things are moving forward so that you can go further much. It does not mean completely disconnecting from your ex or stop trying to attract them back.

  1. It means that instead of rushing through the process, you take one small step, see it’s impact and then take the next small step.
  2. It means constantly asking yourself, “What can I say or do that will move my ex the smallest step towards them making a decision to get back together?”
  3. Last but not least, taking it slow means not rushing your ex to make a decision that they are not ready to make and waiting until they’re ready to make one.

The most important part of taking things slow with your ex is “moving forward”. If there is no movement because you are giving them ” space”, you are not taking it slow,  instead you are foot-dragging, hesitating on taking necessary action and missing opportunities to move things forwards.

Taking it slow ensures that you are not getting far ahead of your ex’s feelings for you. It also ensures that you are not putting an enormous amount of pressure on your ex.

By taking small steps, you are not only able to see the effectiveness of what you are doing but also be able to course-correct before things reach the point of no return.

The problem is if neither of you has any experience “taking things slow” or if one or both of you has a history of jumping into a relationships headfirst — talking for hours on the first day or contact, and spending too much time together time right away — you might want to take things slow but not know how.

What has worked best for my for my clients especially ones with an ex who is a fearful or dismissive avoidant is:

1. Do not “actively” try to get back together

For a month or two depending on what stage of the process you are in, don’t talk about the past (old relationship) and don’t talk about the future (getting back together). Just focus on the present –  emotionally connecting and getting to know each other all over. This is especially effective if one of you has reservations about trying the relationship again, or even staying in contact.

2. Have a plan

Don’t just go with the feelings of the moment especially if you have very strong sexual attraction. Instead plan when to go out. For example, plan on going on a date 2 weeks or a month from now if everything goes okay. If that goes well too, plan on another date if things keep going well… and so forth.

3. Live your life

Don’t start drastically changing your life just because things are going well at the moment. Do all the things you’ve been doing to make your life full and happy on your own, and schedule the “new relationship” with your ex to fit in, instead of the other way around.

4. Work with what your ex is comfortable with (and makes them feel safe)

This is especially important if your ex wants to be friends and see where things go. Do the things that friends would do together (see: 3 Ways Being Friends Can Get Back Your Ex).


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  1. says: Lori

    I am finally getting some positive movement forward. I moved across the country to instill some hope into our future. It was a risky move in a way. I had to be happy with my decision with or without him, and I was even when he seemed to respond initially very negatively to the pressure of my being here. Once he saw that I was creating a life of my own, he has relaxed and today finally asked me on a date. You prepared me for this Yangki, as I had two phone consultations with you where you strongly suggested that I create a life with my own friends and activities not relying on him for my needs. I hope to keep the same fun, pressure free vibe going on the date and after. We broke up twice before due to the long distance. Keeping in contact has been a big part of maintaining a connection. Big thank you for everything