It’d be nice to send your ex a text when you feel like it and talk about whatever you want without fear of coming across as needy and/or pushing him/her further away. Just chat for hours like you used to, laugh and be yourselves again.
All that is possible, but you have to work to get there. It takes time and calls for patience, understanding and a commitment to make the relationship not only feel “new’, but better.
In the initial stages of re-establishing communication, or if you’ve been in contact for a while and trying to ease your ex into the idea of possibly getting back together, it’s important to understand where your ex is coming from in order to avoid some of the mistakes that prevent many from even re-establishing contact and/or force their ex to cut off all contact.
1. Your ex’s negative perception of you is based on his/her reality.
What he/she thinks of you may not be a factual reflection of you or what happened, but it’s his/her reality, and that’s what’s true to him/her.
Don’t try to “reason” with him/her but instead listen and agree with whatever you can without apologizing or getting defensive. Let him or her get all the “negative” feelings out. This will open more room for positive interaction later on.
2. Your ex’s feelings of hurt, blame, anger, resentment, frustrations etc are about the past.
He/she may have felt hurt, ignored, disrespected, unappreciated, unloved etc, until he/she feels that you take full responsibility for whatever they think you did to cause them hurt or make them feel unloved, you will not be able to get past random and stand-offish responses.
3. Your ex doesn’t like feeling the way he/she does.
Nobody likes feeling like crap and nobody (unless you’re dealing with a Psychopath) likes being upset or angry about something that happened in the past. They’d rather “forget” it and move on.
So don’t be upset that your ex is hurt or upset when you should be the one that’s hurt and upset because of the negative things he/she thinks and says about you. That kind of attitude will not get you anywhere.
4. Your ex doesn’t want to talk about the old relationship (repeatedly).
It’s tempting to want to talk about “good memories” or try to “correct the record” on some misunderstandings, but unfortunately you can’t pick-and-choose which memories come up in your ex’s mind. Repeatedly talking about the old relationship will make your ex decide it’s best not to have anymore contact. Once you get to that point, you have no way forward.
Avoid talking about the old relationship until you’ve replaced negative memories of the old relationship with good positive ones (of the new relationship).