1- Take responsibility for your powerlessness and/or helplessness
Much of the helplessness and powerlessness many of us feel comes from how we think about a situation. We are either focusing too much on the things we can not control or change (e.g. our ex’s “issues”, feelings and their responses) or, avoiding what we need to do to change.
But while blaming factors outside of your control gets you off the hook, the price you pay is the inability to create the reality you desire and want.
Even in a situation where it seems like your ex is calling all the shots, and all you can do is wait for your ex to decide what happens, you control a lot more than you think or know you do. You control YOU.
You control what you say. You control what you do. You control how you react. But most of all, you control how you think.
Next time when something “happens” that makes you feel like you have no say in the matter, examine your thoughts about it. What are you telling yourself to avoid taking any responsibility for what happened before, what is happening now and what may happen in the future?
If what you are telling yourself makes you feel helpless and/or hopeless, consciously decide to change your thinking from “I don’t know what else to do” to “I may be able to do something “.
This is not about just changing from negative to positive thoughts (sometimes you need a little dose of the “negative” to keep yourself realistic), but changing your response from feeling like you have no control over a situation to finding a solution that can change your current situation.
Some of my clients have told me that by just examining how they are thinking about what is happening, they can clearly see how trying too hard is turning off their ex.