4 Reasons To Stay Friends With An Avoidant Ex You Want Back

Being friends with an avoidant ex can absolutely help get an avoidant back, but if you’ve searched articles and videos on how being friends friends with an avoidant can help get them back, you’ve probably found many of them say it’s rare for avoidants to want to be friends and cant be friends with an ex if you want them back, which is not true because:

1) Every relationship is different, avoidants are not all the same and the reasons why one relationship ended is different from why another ended. Even the way the break-up happened for each avoidant relationship is different.

2) Both fearful avoidants and dismissive avoidants ask to be friends when breaking up or after the break-up as evidenced by all the “my avoidant ex wants to be friends” posts on Reddit and other discussion forums. Fearful avoidants have been known to actually beg exes to be friends even when they’re unable to articulate what being friends means. And because it’s common for an avoidant to break-up with someone they still have feelings for, they ask to be friends hoping that the dynamics of the relationship will be different and it’ll make them want to try the relationship again.

3) When you asked an avoidant ex to be friends, there’s a very high chance they’ll agree because there is no pressure in being friends that is in being in a relationship.

Being friends with an avoidant ex with the goal of getting back together is therefore not an unreasonable expectation.

If the relationship was toxic then being friends with the goal of getting back together or just being and nothing more, and nothing has changed, being friends with an avoidant ex might not be a safe decision. And if you know that it’s going to be hard to be friends with an ex, and it will hinder your healing or growth then rethink accepting an avoidant’s request to be friends or asking to be friends with an avoidant ex.

But if your avoidant ex wants to be friends or is open to the idea of being friends first, why throw away the baby with the bathwater just because some “expert’ said you shouldn’t be friends with an avoidant ex if you want them back or that it’s rare for an avoidant to want to be friends after a break-up?

So how does being friends help get an avoidant ex back?

Being friends with an avoidant ex with the expectation of getting back together is not only a sound strategy that can be communicated and executed, but one that is rooted in the 5 pillars of a secure attachment base laid out by John Bowlby the pioneer of attachment theory; availability, responsiveness, consistency, reliability, and predictability.

For those who don’t know what a secure attachment base or simply secure base means, a secure base is an available, responsive, consistent, reliable, and predictable attachment figure who meets our needs and to we can turn as a safe place when we’re upset, afraid, anxious or feeling safe. In a romantic relationship, both partners can be each other’s secure base.

This is how being friends with an avoidant ex provides availability, responsiveness, consistency, reliability, and predictability.

1. Emotional safety

Emotional safety when trying to attract back an avoidant ex is even more important than in a relationship. In a relationship there are things that two people do because it’s what you do in a relationship i.e. texting, calling, spending time together. Just having that certainty and consistency provides a sense of safety. The lid is lifted off that sense of safety when a relationship ends, all of a sudden everything is uncertain, inconsistent and even unsafe.

Being friends with an avoidant ex helps maintain some degree of certainty, consistency and safety that avoidants need to feel that the relationship can work. When you’re friends, you can text your ex, call and hang out within a safe emotional environment. This is something you can’t do it if you take the stand that you cannot be friends your ex if you want them back.

2. Building trust and emotional intimacy

Getting to know each other again within the safety friendship is a great foundation rebuilding trust and learning healthy communication patterns. The expectations and pressures of being in a relationship are no longer there and an avoidant ex can now relax and be themselves, and not worry about if you’re going to ask about the relationship, complain about not getting your needs met or try to change them.

The friends-to-lovers pathway to a relationship may actually works better for an avoidant who 1) ended the relationship because they felt there too many expectations couldn’t take the pressure anymore, 2) who thinks you “fell in love with the idea of them” (translated: You don’t know me at all. The person you fell in love with is all in your head”. Being friends gives both of you the opportunity to get to know your avoidant ex in the way they want to be known.

It also works for an anxiously attached or fearful avoidant if the relationship moved too fast and ended too fast that you didn’t have the opportunity to show your avoidant ex who you really are when you’re not anxiously attached – non-clingy, fun loving and exciting to be around. As friends you can show your true self, even if you’re worried they won’t like it.

3. Opportunity to show change

Again, if you take the stand that you don’t want to be friends and your ex says they can only be friends, it’s over. You can try to make them miss you and scare them into taking you back and it may very well work, but as the quote says “Those convinced against their will, are of the same opinion still” – meaning an ex who comes back because they were talked or manipulated into coming back, didn’t come back of their own free will. The chances that they will leave again are very high.

Being able to show instead of telling an avoidant ex about the changes you’ve made is important because most avoidants don’t believe people can change. If you go to some mountain top and isolate yourself and then reappear after 21 days, 30 days of no contact claiming to have “worked on yourself”, an avoidant is going to be very skeptical and even suspicious and for good reason. Anyone can claim to have “worked on” themselves but where are the receipts? Where is the proof? Why should an avoidant believe you?

Being friends gives you gives you the opportunity to showcase the changes you’ve made in a real authentic relationship situation and with consistency and reliability. The more you are in your ex’s everyday life (and thoughts), the more opportunities they are to show the changes you’ve worked so hard to make.

4. Try out a new dynamic/relationship

Being friends with your ex also gives you the opportunity to test-drive the new relationship without risking too much.

It’s hard for many exes to go from broken up to back together again because they don’t want to take the risk of finding out that things can’t work out.  Being friends with your ex is like the bridge between the old relationship and the new relationship. Because there is no pressure to be anything other than two people who like and enjoy each other, the “new” relationship has time to grow and feel comfortable for both of you.

If you do “being friends” with your avoidant ex right (read how), it can lead to getting back together. As the saying goes: a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. It’s better to work with the opportunity you have than to risk losing everything trying to get something more, or because you are too scared of being friends with an ex.

RELATED:

7 Steps From Being Friends With An Ex To Getting Back Together

7 FACTS About Being FRIENDS With An Ex You Want Back?

What Do Avoidants Get Out Of Keeping Exes Around?

Friendzoned By An Avoidant Ex Or Starting As Friends First?

Make Your Ex Realize What They Lost Breaking Up With You

QUICK TIP: Staying Friends With Your Ex – Likely Scenarios

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