Question: Hi Yangki, I’ve been reading your site for a while looking at similar scenarios and I’m reaching out for some advice.
My ex and I decided to take things slow but I’m getting so many mixed signals from her that I don’t know what to do anymore. She texts saying she misses the way we were before and a few days later she says she’s not sure about us. I admit, I was the one that ended the relationship, and at the time I was under a lot of pressure from my job and I was not in a good place mentally. I have apologized, she forgave me and we have been texting and seeing each other again for a little over 4 months. Things have been good for the most time and I love her very much. I’m willing to take things slow, but I at least want to know if she wants to give us another chance. I don’t want to wait for her only for her to tell me we are not getting back together. She has said a few times that she still thinks about the breakup, and I am wondering if maybe this is her way of making me pay for breaking up with her. A part of me wants to ask her if she wants to get back together down the road and if she says she is not over how I broke up with her, we go our separate ways. 4 months is a long time not to be sure. Does that make sense? Please help.
Yangki’s Answer: Yes, it makes sense. You want to figure out sooner rather than later whether you are getting back together or not, and that is understandable.
It is also understandable why she is not sure if she wants to get back together. You were the one who ended the relationship and from what you say, for reasons that had nothing to do with her. She did not do anything to make you want to break up with her. She has every right to want to make sure you will not do it again. What if you get back together and something else happens that is similar to what happened with your job, will you end it with her again?
If you tell her to decide right now, she will most likely decide against getting back together. Nobody likes to be put under pressure, especially on a decision that puts her in an emotionally vulnerable place. Even if she decided to get back together, she will always feel insecure in the relationship, and may break up with you.
So yes, you are right that 4 months is a long time to be trying to get back someone, but not long enough if there are still lingering doubts about getting back together. Remember, you broke up with her, and not the other way around. The fact that she forgave you (most people wouldn’t) means she loves you and cares about you, that should make you want to wait for her.
Instead of getting all frustrated about her not making up her mind, spend that emotional energy trying to figure out what it is exactly that she’s ambivalent about and provide the reassurance and security she needs to be absolutely 100% certain that you will not break her heart in the same way again.
If she decides to give you another chance, you’re going to have to put in some really, really hard relationship work to create a safe emotional space to share your feelings over what happened, and you may need a couples’ therapist or an objective person to help guide that conversation.