3 STRONG Reasons NOT To Do “No Contact”

Question: I’ve read many of your articles and answers and I think n/c if used properly is way more powerful than you give it credit for. When I broke up with my girlfriend April 09 I went straight n/c for 4 months. No texts, no email, no letters, no phone calls, no asking friends how she was doing, no checking her Facebook page, no information, no anything. It was very difficult for a while but it got easier with the passing of time.

Then out of nowhere she texted me! She wanted to talk and see if we can work things out. This week she again decided she needs to figure out if I am the one for her. I’m letting her do what she wants but I’m going back to n/c. I’m confident that she’ll contact me again. No Contact is hard but I believe it works well. I’m sticking to n/c.

Yangki’s Answer: I understand where you are coming from, and that my advice on “no contact” goes against the advice out there.

The difference is that while most encourage emotional distancing and avoidance, I encourage emotional connection, communication and healthy attachment. At the end of the day, it’s not how well you do “no contact’ that persuades your ex to come back. What will persuade your ex to give things another try is how well you connect, communicate and emotionally bond.

“No contact” does the very opposite of connecting, communicating and emotionally bonding.

1. “No contact” communicates the wrong message about what you want

I tell my clients: Before you do anything ask yourself: “Why am I doing this?” “Why am I behaving this way?” “How will my actions right now help/hurt me later on?”

If your actions are the opposite of what you want, chances are they will hurt you later on.

  • If you want your ex back and behaving like you do not want him/her back, you are hurting your chances.
  • If what you want is closeness but behaving like what you want is distance, you are hurting your chances.
  • If what you want is to show your ex that you still love and care about him/her but behaving like you wouldn’t give a rat’s ass, you are hurting your chances.
  • If you want to show your ex that you have changed, but acting like the same old passive aggressive, manipulative, cold hearted, angry and vindictive you, you are hurting your chances.

2. “No contact” takes away your control of the situation

Who has more control of a situation: the one who has the power to act or one who only can react to what the other person does? The one with the option of doing whatever they feel like including reaching out when they feel like it or the one who waits to be contacted? The one who controls whether or not there will be contact or the one who has given up that control?

What I am saying is, when you cut off all contact you are giving up the power to act. It’s like shutting all the doors, windows, vents, chimneys (all access your ex would use to get to you), and expecting your ex to burst open the door and come begging you to take them back. Good luck with that!

3. “No contact” damages the very foundation of a relationship; trust

No contact as a strategy to get back your ex is designed to trigger the fear of rejection and/or abandonment in someone who already has these fears and likely to act on them. How would you feel if someone uses your insecurities against you? Would you feel it as “love”?

Once you use someone’s fears against them, it will be very hard for that person to trust that you will always have their back no matter what.

The fear that you will use their fears and insecurities against them or that you will distance when they need you the most will make your ex cautious and unable to fully open up emotionally. Even when your ex comes back because they felt rejected and abandoned or felt you were pulling away, they will leave again because the reason they returned was not because of you. They returned because of them, how it made them feel.

So before you do “no contact” ask yourself: “Why am I doing this?” “Why am I behaving this way?” “How will my actions right now help/hurt me later on?”

My experience over the years is that when someone says “I had to do no contact”, they are telling me their situation is most likely hopeless. By the time “no contact” is the only option, the relationship is most likely too damaged to try and get back together.

People in relationships that were generally good and healthy, and people who had a no “too much” drama break-ups see no need to cut off their ex or distance in order to ‘feel better’. In fact the opposite is true, being in touch makes securely attached people ‘feel better’ because it allows them to directly deal with whatever is making them not feel good, instead of running away from it. Staying through an emotionally trying situation (especially one you created) when everything in you is telling you to run (attachment avoidance) is what builds emotional resilience.

Almost all securely attached individuals maintain some level of contact even those that don’t intend to get back together. If contact ceases, it does so organically and not by a forced “no contact rule”.

Don’t just take my word for it. Do a Google search and see how many people actually heard from their ex, how many of those got their ex back, and how many of those sustained the reunion beyond a few weeks/months. Go ahead, Google it.

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  • I was very angry at her, however, now that I’m almost done sorting through my emotions I want to contact her. My fear is that she might not want to talk to me after 3 months with no contact of any kind. Should I write her a letter? Send her flowers? Wait for her to call me?

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    • It’s fairly normal for an ex to be cold, distant or even still be angry when you contact them the first time, especially if the breakup was hostile. A letter or flowers for first contact may be a little too formal/over the top for first contact. In my eBook I encourage text or email depending on the form of communication you used most when you were in the relationship. It’s best to start slow/casual and build on it than start full blast and run out of steam very quickly.

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  • We broke up May, went n/c for 2 months then emailed her. She emailed back and we had 3 -4 email conversations then she went silent. I’ve emailed/called her several times and nothing from her since mid August. I think the best thing to do is end this right now. Send an email telling her I’m not going to waste my time anymore. Done!

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    • Let me get this right… you’re thinking of sending an email to an ex you have emailed/called several times and hasn’t responded just to tell her you’re over her? Looks like a case of who was over who first? I think the real waste of time here is you sending her the email you’re thinking of sending.

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  • You have no idea how happy I am to find some people who dont approve of the NC system for all situations. I tried it and it just started making things worse between us, so I scraped that idea and I am now just myself around him.

    While I was trying the NC it just made him feel rejected, he felt awkward to talk to me, and that he was losing his best friend. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him because I love him and I want him in my life. We didnt break up because we hated each other, we broke up because we are in our mid twenties and dont know what we want out of life right now, he wanted time to be single to see what it felt like because he has never had the opportunity to do that. I just hate mind games and that is a tricky mind game that could have really back fired on me.

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  • I followed all the material with NC and all that for 12 weeks but my ex still won’t talk to me. I texted him on his birthday, “I hope you have a good time.”, never heard back from him. Waited one week and texted him asking him how he was doing and let him know I’m fine. Nothing. Waited another week and then texted him asking him if he wants me to stop texting him. FINALLY, got an email back, “Sorry, I’m busy. I don’t have time to text you.”

    I really love him but the fact that he won’t talk to me even after all this time has passed tells me it’s probably better to move on.

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  • Thank you, I really needed to read this today. 5 years living together and talking everyday and him not talking to me for months really destroys the foundation of a relationship. If someone’s okay with not talking to me for months, then they don’t really need me in their life. This gives me the strength to move on. I can’t see a relationship with him after this.

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    • I hear you. Most people don’t realize that whatever you do, whether it is a fight, a break/separation or break-up, you should never EVER put the other person in a position where they question or doubt your love for them. Once someone questions your love for them, the foundation of the relationship is shaken. This applies both ways.

      Some people with a lot of work can heal the foundation of their relationship, but most people can’t. They may even get back together but the damage is done. They keep having one problem after another and don’t understand why they can’t make the relationship work.

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