Why Your Strategy For Attracting Back Your Ex Isn’t Working

Do you have a strategy and plan on how to attract back your ex? Is your “ex back” strategy working? If your “ex back” strategy isn’t working, it’s time to change strategy.

The simple answer is: When what you are doing isn’t getting you any results, or is making things worse you are not making progress.

But there is another way you can tell that you are not making progress towards getting back together, or are hurting your chances. You are losing hope and your motivation is wavering or fading away.

May be you started off really excited. Your ex is responding, initiating contact, you are talking longer and longer, even some flirting going on there. Everything seems on track. Then it starts to feel like you have fallen into a routine.

You realize immediately that you are stuck, or realize it gradually over a period of time. If you are like most people, you realize it but make excuses for why you are not making any progress. For example: He’s too busy, she needs space; and we were going to meet up this weekend but something came up, etc.

But sooner or later they run out of excuses and reality sinks in. Hope starts to fade, and the motivation to keep trying to get back together just isn’t there anymore. It’s like you’re emotionally burned out.

When this happens, your first step should not be to panic, pull away or give up trying to get back your ex.

Your first step should be to look at how you are trying to get back your ex.

1. Do you have a plan or strategy, or are you flying by the seat of your pants hoping you make it?

Many people fail to get their ex back not because they never had a chance to begin with, but because they didn’t have “an ex back strategy” or plan. They simply did whatever they read off the internet, even things that didn’t apply to their unique situation or don’t take into consideration their ex’s personality, emotional triggers (e.g fear of abandonment or tendency to emotionally shut down) or current life challenges.

For example, an ex who suffers from depression, recently lost a job or loved one, is going through mid-life crisis or any unique situation is going to react differently to no contact, trying to make him/her jealous or trying to get him/her to hang out/go on a date.

If you don’t have a strategy or plan on how to handle your ex’s unique personality, emotional triggers or unique circumstances; your efforts will meet resistance at best and determination not to get back together at worst.

2. Is your strategy avoidance-motivated or approach-motivated?

I’ve written a lot about this. You need to ask yourself (and be honest with yourself).

How much of what you are doing to get back your ex is about trying to avoid something? For example:

  • Making your ex angry
  • Coming across as needy
  • Pushing your ex further away
  • Making a mistake
  • Being used/played
  • Losing face/making a fool of yourself
  • Getting hurt etc.

And how much of what you are doing is trying to accomplish something? For example:

  • Rebuilding trust
  • More and better connection
  • Better communication
  • More openness
  • Ease and more fun etc.

If what is motivating you is trying to avoid something; you will focus all your effort on avoiding it. You will be less willing to take risks and miss opportunities to move things forward. In the end, you may be able to avoid “mistakes” but you also don’t make any progress.

3. Is your strategy based on sound judgement (and reality) or motivated by (hurt) emotions?

The sad reality of relationship advice is everybody and anyone is an “expert”. If you don’t have a set of principles guiding you or a strategy to follow, you’ll soon find yourself confused or making mistakes that make things worse because one “expert” says this, and the next one says something that’s completely the opposite.

A set of principles is like your compass when you need direction. I always tell my clients “follow your heart”. But I also know that sometimes when your heart is broken; following your broken heart leads to more heartache. This is why having a set of principles and a strong sense of self is important. Know exactly who you are, what you will do, and what you will not/never do makes a huge difference.

If your “ex back strategy” isn’t working, you need a different strategy

May be you need a new set of skills, need to go slower, take more risks or mix it up a bit. Whatever it is that you need to change (do more of, do less of, rearrange or prioritize), do it to get the results you want.

Remind yourself of why you want your ex back, and get that motivation going again.


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  1. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Anna

    I have followed your book, and built up emotional momentum, and he was enthusiastic to meet. It started off great, but then he started saying how everything in his life is bad (he’s depressed) and the mood went downhill. I didn’t know how to react, so just said that I’m sure everything will be OK. He asked if I wanted to stay for another drink but I said I needed to go (I didn’t want it to be negative). He text saying that it was hard for him and he won’t be meeting up with me any time soon, but then has been texting and chatty since. Do I need to change strategy? Please help!

    1. Love Doctor Yangki AkitengLove Doctor Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      Saying ” I’m sure everything will be OK” to an emotional bid for connection isn’t following my advice or book. Even to someone who isn’t feeling depressed, that is a point of emotional disconnection. I want to think that I’ve done a better job at explaining “emotional connection” than “I’m sure everything will be OK”.

      You also must have read in the book that sometimes it can feel like a dance of one step forward and two steps back. You don’t just change strategy because you were taken back a step or two.

      I suggest you re-read the sections on: ‘Do You Need A New Strategy?’ and ‘Strategic Thinking, Tactical Action’ before you do anything to undo any progress you might have made. Also get the ‘bids” and ’emotional connection’ part right, I don’t think you are doing it the right way.

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