Almost everyone trying to get their ex back feels like sometimes they are just spinning their wheels, unable to gain traction or move things forward.
Unfortunately, a majority cut their losses and give up at this point. Some give up just at the point where things were starting to turn around.
If it feels like you have not moving forward it is either because:
1) You are playing it safe (e.g. low/limited contact, friend-zone).
You are not pushing your ex away/messing things up, but at the same time you are not moving things forward either. Some people find themselves in low/limited contact for months, or until their ex is with someone else, then they try to “do something” to move things forward. But by then, it’s too late. [More in: Does Limited or Low Contact Work?]
2) You have no strategy/plan of action and/or doing the wrong things.
This is where most people miss the boat. They are so focused on managing contact that they forget that people don’t fall in love with you because you contact them just the right amount. People fall in love because of how you make them feel.
Stuck-ness means that you need to change your whole approach to the situation. You need to change your understanding of it, and your response to it. [More in: Why Your Ex Doesn’t Want To Talk To You]
3) You don’t trust yourself or what you are doing.
This is where the over-analyzing every word, every action, every interaction comes in. You want to be absolutely sure you are making the right decision before you do anything, you got the right words before you say them, and know the right action before you take it. But in the end, you only end up creating a state of mind where you are hyper-vigilant about your own words and actions.
- Afraid to take any action because you think you’ll make a fool of yourself;
- Worried that if you say this or that, it’ll drive your ex further away;
- Freaking out when you make a mistake or things don’t turn out the way you’d hoped;
- Putting yourself down and underestimating your own abilities and strengths;
- Running away from people and situations you think you can’t handle;
- Struggling with uncertainty and unexpected situations;
- Constantly asking for and believing everyone else’s thoughts and opinions, except your own;
- Afraid to make decisions or making a decision and then drive yourself crazy with anxiety and worry;
- Making things worse or making a mess of everything.
I moved out 4 months ago. I got back in contact with her about a month ago,having reflected and worked on myself. It’s mostly been good, but she has been hot and cold at times. She says I have to prove myself and that she will test the waters in her own time. There’s definitely been some progress over the last couple of weeks but I don’t know where things are going. I’ve asked her a few times what “prove yourself” means and she was quite vague and I don’t want to push her into answering by keep asking her.What would you suggest I do now to build trust?
You’ll find the answer to your question in: How to Earn Your Ex’s Trust
Yagki, what if you are contacting her 2 – 3 times a week and she responds sometimes but ignores you other times, is that also playing safe and if so, what do you suggest I do?
These article answer your question:
1. Contact and How Not to Pressure Your Ex
2. Limited Contact Vs. Pressure Free Contact
3. How to Get Back An Ex Who’s Acting Hot and Cold
There are many more articles on the subject, just use the site search tool.
Yangki, I did a little bit of no contact (which I regret now), but after 3 months of trying to get a response, I managed to get her to respond via Facebook comment of one of her photos. I then sent her a text which she responded to but was somewhat cold. I am doing ‘limited contact’ now because I don’t want to frighten her away. Do you have any suggestions in terms of how often to reach out?
Unfortunately, I do not.
“No contact”, “limited contact” and “giving space” are all fear/avoidance based strategies in that they encourage moving away from what you want instead of moving towards it. They are all in conflict with what I advice and encourage, and that is, moving towards your ex, openly, fearlessly and in an emotionally healthy, mature and smart way.
Using “No contact”, “limited contact” and “giving space” while at the same time following my advice is likely to create ‘avoidance-approach’ conflict where you try to move towards your ex, make things worse, move away, then try to move towards again. After sometime you give up because there is no progress.
I advice approach-approach, all the time. That’s the only way you will make any progress. Moving towards, forward… unwavering.
Your advice (articles, books etc…) always brings a sense of tranquility that I believe only comes with being honest. This will not be the first time your words have helped me rekindle with my beloved but with your book,true effort to change and practical patience, this time I understand that everything is progressive in this process. This time it will last. Thank You.
Hello Yangki, I recently bought your book and I am taking it slow reading and studying. My question is how do you know your efforts to change will matter? Is there a point where nothing you do will matter?
I’m glad the book is helping but since you recently bought it, you may not have yet read the part that answers your question.
The 7 signs listed under “Signs You’re Making Progress” are a pretty good indicator of progress (or lack of). In fact all the six topics in that section are designed to help you access for yourself if what you’re doing matters, and if not, if you need to change your approach — or throw in the towel.
If you’re following the book, you should be able to see progress. But if you made so many mistakes prior to getting the book (no contact, contact with no substance, asking to get back together too early, talking about the old relationship or saying things/acting in ways that push your ex further away etc) you’ll need to do the “right” things for a while to see any progress.
I think I am in he process of showing my ex Ithat I have grown. She is very responsive and helpful. She is also willing to hangout. I’m not trying to do anything I’m just being out of love. She is def more comfortable with me. I don’t understand how it’s almost been a year after our breakup and how I can talk to the emotions of the break up now. I did every thing wrong, literally everything, and now thanks to your book on the right track. I am connecting with her slowly. Thanks for all that you do Y.
I started reading your articles then bought your eBook almost a year ago. At the time, I had made up my mind it was better to move on and was looking for advice on how to deal with my pain. Your ebook convinced me end the no contact and hear him out. I didn’t know if I was making the right decision and it was very difficult keeping in contact with him still feeling the pain of how much he had hurt me. But as the weeks and months went by, I saw him prove to me that he really was a changing man. I have you to thank.
Excellent post. My ex is the logical type who wants to explain everything. He writes me very long emails and most of the time I don’t know if he is saying he wasn’t really in love with me – or if he wants to get back together. I told him I don’t know why I’m not attracted to him anymore, I just know that I can’t fix how I feel and it’s not good for either of us.