How To Start Over – A New Relationship With An Ex

Question: Yangki, I really want to buy your eBook because I love your articles and your approach to love and relationships. Can you clarify what you mean by “starting the relationship with your ex all over”.

My ex and I were together for 4 years. We’ve broken up several times but always found ourselves back with the other. I have no doubt she loves me, and I love her very much. My concern is that we have tried to make the relationship work so many times already, and it doesn’t work. What is the guarantee it will work this time round? Btw, she feels the same way.

Yangki’s Answer: Excellent Question.

What you have been doing with your ex is a “do-over”. A do-over means you are the same old people trying to inject life into the same old relationship that failed. You know what they say about doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result — it’s the definition of insanity.

It’s time to do it differently. Start all over.

1. Accept that the old relationship is over, gone, dead.

Go through the loss and grief process together or separately, as you decide and is acceptable to the other. In my experience, couples who go through the grief experience together have a better chance than those that do it separately, or someone who insists “this is what I need” without any consideration for what “the relationship needs.”

2. Start like when you first met.

Like you, the biggest mistake most men and women who still love each other make is get back together right after a break-up. They mistakenly assume that because the feelings of love are still there and still strong, they can make it work. Most don’t do a postmortem on the relationship, don’t try to change anything and some don’t even talk about what happened. They just get back together and continue from where they ended.

Others fail to get their ex back because they try to get back together in the very first few weeks of contact. They get so excited that the other person is responding and mistakenly assume that means he or she wants to get back together.

Begin dating each other like two new people meeting and getting to know each other for the first time. This why my book is called “Dating Your Ex” and not “Get Your Ex Back”.  It’s the same person you dated before but now you are starting a new relationship.

3. Bring something new to the table.

For it t be a real a real new beginning of a new relationship, your ex has to see, feel and think something is different, something is new.

That can only happen when you are a “new you” — an improved version of yourself with something new to bring to the relationship. You also have to have an increased awareness while working to produce different results. The necessary ingredients are awareness, focus, action, consistency and persistence.

If you’ve honestly changed — become a better version of yourself, acquired new beliefs, habits, interests, relationship skills and tools – and behave like a better version of yourself, there is NO WAY you can have the same relationship again. No way!

Changing one aspect of the equation (YOU) changes the outcome. It’s simple math.

Anything else is a do-over… and you know where that will get you…same results!

More from Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng
Overcoming The Fear Of Rejection Or Hurt
The notion that men are natural pursuers and women want to be...
Read More


  • Yangki, how can a safe climate for communication be created and sustained in a situation where there is a lot of misunderstandings due to hurt feelings? We keep in contact and there are still some feelings for each other there, but I can feel he does not feel safe opening up to me.

    View Comment
    • By being completely honest with oneself and with each other, respectful of the other’s feelings and opinions even if the you do not agree, and by refraining from hurtful responses. And once the door for open and honest communication has been opened, it must continue because if the other person at any one time feels that they are being manipulated, then they will either keep a very close watch on what they say or how they respond, or walk away.

      View Comment
  • My ex is not and never was good at communication. He plays games and is very hard to understand why. We didn’t speak for 8 weeks but that hasn’t changed anything. Every time we communicate it ends in either an argument, or worse.

    View Comment
    • You both seem to have a lot of pent up emotions. If arguing was one of the reasons the two of you broke up, it means nothing has changed. There is no point in trying to get back together only to break-up again.

      You can’t do anything about your ex’s mind games, except refuse to be drawn in. But you can do something about you, to change how you respond so that things don’t always get to “or worse” point. Will making changes get you two back together? I don’t know. A lot depends on how much damage has already been done to the relationship. It’s always worth a try if you still love someone. I’ve seen people turn around a situation that seemed impossible.

      View Comment
  • This post caught my attention because I have recently ended a relationship with a guy I was with on and off for about 5 years. I was always able to convince myself that he had changed and take him back. For the first few weeks he acted like he’d changed, but then things went back to how they used to be. This is our 4th breakup and I have accepted that he will never change.

    View Comment
  • This makes a lot of sense. My ex and I live in different states but we text/call back and forth almost everyday. I have noticed that every time I bring up the old relationship he stops responding for a few days. Even if its something positive like reminding him of some place we went together, he doesn’t respond.

    View Comment
  • Yangki, I read just about every article you have written and also bought your book. I was drawn to your approach because I did not want to do no contact. We talked about contact on the day of the breakup and chose to remain close. For the first month we didn’t speak much but there was no period of no contact. After a month of texts and phone calls I asked her out and we’ve been spending lots of time together. She has invited me to family events and talks about us being together in the future. I think in general, things are going pretty well. So thank you.

    View Comment

Comments are closed.