How To Start Over – A New Relationship With An Ex

Question: Yangki, I really want to buy your eBook because I love your articles and your approach to love and relationships. Can you clarify what you mean by “starting the relationship with your ex all over”.

My ex and I were together for 4 years. We’ve broken up several times but always found ourselves back with the other. I have no doubt she loves me, and I love her very much. My concern is that we have tried to make the relationship work so many times already, and it doesn’t work. What is the guarantee it will work this time round? Btw, she feels the same way.

Yangki’s Answer: Excellent Question.

What you have been doing with your ex is a “do-over”. A do-over means you are the same old people trying to inject life into the same old relationship that failed. You know what they say about doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result — it’s the definition of insanity.

It’s time to do it differently. Start all over.

1. Accept that the old relationship is over, gone, dead.

Go through the loss and grief process together or separately, as you decide and is acceptable to the other. In my experience, couples who go through the grief experience together have a better chance than those that do it separately, or someone who insists “this is what I need” without any consideration for what “the relationship needs.”

2. Start like when you first met.

Like you, the biggest mistake most men and women who still love each other make is get back together right after a break-up. They mistakenly assume that because the feelings of love are still there and still strong, they can make it work. Most don’t do a postmortem on the relationship, don’t try to change anything and some don’t even talk about what happened. They just get back together and continue from where they ended.

Others fail to get their ex back because they try to get back together in the very first few weeks of contact. They get so excited that the other person is responding and mistakenly assume that means he or she wants to get back together.

Begin dating each other like two new people meeting and getting to know each other for the first time. This why my book is called “Dating Your Ex” and not “Get Your Ex Back”.  It’s the same person you dated before but now you are starting a new relationship.

3. Bring something new to the table.

For it t be a real a real new beginning of a new relationship, your ex has to see, feel and think something is different, something is new.

That can only happen when you are a “new you” — an improved version of yourself with something new to bring to the relationship. You also have to have an increased awareness while working to produce different results. The necessary ingredients are awareness, focus, action, consistency and persistence.

If you’ve honestly changed — become a better version of yourself, acquired new beliefs, habits, interests, relationship skills and tools – and behave like a better version of yourself, there is NO WAY you can have the same relationship again. No way!

Changing one aspect of the equation (YOU) changes the outcome. It’s simple math.

Anything else is a do-over… and you know where that will get you…same results!

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  • I’ve read a lot of your articles. I find them helpful. After hesitating for 2 weeks, I finally reached out to my ex. He responded to my text, I called him and we spoke for an hr and half. I found out that he was hurting as much as I was and was even more hurt when I didn’t respond to his texts. I told him I regret not responding to his texts and he said he understands. We now talk every other day and both of us are initiating contact and also he’s said he’s willing to work together to make it work. I bought your book because I think we have a chance. I want to think this is the beginning of a new relationship or is it as you say the excitement of reconnecting?

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    • I think it’s both. His expressed willingness to work together to make it work and the fact that he’s initiating contact says that you have a very good chance of getting back together. Don’t rush it, build it.

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  • Yangki, after spending a week on your site, I realized something. I wasn’t the partner I should have been because I did not know how to be one. I feel ashamed of myself because now I see why she says I need to work on myself and learn how to be in a relationship. Do you think that if I changed, there is a chance for us?

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    • Your observation is so profound, and deep. I believe that shame if it moves you to positive action is not a bad thing.

      Will you changing be enough to get back your ex? I don’t I know. What I do know is that you changing increases your chances.

      There are so many other factors that affect the chances of getting back your ex, including: 10 Top Indicators You’ll Get Back Your Ex.

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  • Yangki, bought your ebook after discovering your site. Very enlightening with break ups and relationship.
    Been doing it wrongly and badly all this time after the breakup.
    We broke up 6 weeks ago but kept in contact. He was warm I was cold and hurt. Now I am the one who wants to connect but feels I might have blew my chances. He replies immediately. Advice on time, topic and not be too needy on texts helps.
    Will it be okay to arrange a face to face contact? He still agrees to see me.

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    • Timing, ‘safe’ topics and needy contact is in Dating Your Ex. When and how to arrange a face to face is also in the book. There are also numerous articles to all those topics on the site. Spend sometimes searching for them. If you need advice specific to your situation, please consider signing up for coaching.

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