20 Common Reasons Your Ex Still Contacts You And Keeps Texting You

Question: My ex-girlfriend says it’s over and there is no chance for us but she is still texting me after the breakup and says things like it’s a shame it turned out like this and I saw you today and you looked sad. Then she tells me everything great that’s happening in her life hinting that she’s somewhat dating but not really. The relationship had problems that we couldn’t resolve and she decided it was better to break up. She obviously knows how bad I’m hurting and that there is no point in contacting me after the breakup since nothing is ever going to work between us. I can’t for the goodness of me figure out what exactly she is hoping to gain by texting me other than prolong my misery. I just don’t get it. Why doesn’t she stop texting me so I can get over her and move on with my life?

Yangki’s Answer: I agree with you that it is frustrating when your ex keeps texting you after the break-up or contacts you out of the blue and isn’t really clear as to why they are reaching out. You are left trying to figure out what their reasons for texting you are and why they are contacting you now.

In my experience there are 18 common reasons why your ex contacts you after the break-up.

1) They still have feelings for you

They still have feelings for you and are reaching out to see if you still love them, still care for them or are interested in getting back together.

2) Guilt

They may be feeling guilty for breaking up with you and worried that you to hate them for it.

3) They want to be friends

They may be trying to be your “friend” and reaching out to see if you are interested in keeping in touch as friends.

4) Old habit

They may be texting you out of habit. If you have done something routinely for a while, it can sometimes be hard to break that habit.

5) Missing you

They may be texting you in moments of weakness when they miss you and don’t care if contacting you makes them come across as needy or wanting you. They just miss you.

6) Loneliness

They may be lonely especially if they are not in a relationship or are going out and seeing people but no one is interesting enough to want to pursue a relationship with.

7) They’re drunk

Many exes for some reason text an ex when they are drunk or stoned, and sometimes can not even remember they did it the next day.

8) Booty call

They may be texting you after a break-up for a booty call, especially if the sex was good but the relationship ended for some other reasons.

9) Accidental call

Believe it or not this can happen. Not all exes erase your number after the break-up and they may be trying to call someone and accidentally called your number or they simply butt-called you.

10) They heard/saw you met someone new

They are reaching out because they feel jealous or are hurting that you are with someone new. Exes will do this whether they are still single or are in a relationship themselves.

11) They’re too shy to tell you they want you back

Some exes text you out of the blue or keep reaching out every now and then thinking that they are giving you the opportunity to try to get them back. This may be why she hints that she’s somewhat dating but not really (translation: I’m still available but it may not be for long).

12) They care about you

If you had a good relationship and cared very much for each other, they may be reaching out just to check on how you are and not necessarily trying to get back together. If you truly cared about someone it is hard to stop caring about their well-being even after the break-up.

13) For closure

Some exes reach out because they still have unanswered questions and unresolved issues from the relationship and break-up and keep texting you for answers and to get closure. Other think reaching out one more time just to see how they feel about you will help them let go and get the closure they need.

14) Anger and resentment

You have heard the saying “hurting people hurt people”. Some exes text you because they are still hurting and say and do things that they think will hurt you just as much as they are hurting. They may be even be texting you because they hate you for the break-up, hate you for moving on or hate you because they still love you.

15) Unfinished business

They may reach out want to return something of yours that they have or ask you to return something of their that you have. They may also reach out for some practical matter if for example you shared bills, a home, a business and need to discuss how to wrap things up. Sometimes its just about the unfinished business, but sometimes exes use this as a way to start conversations and pen up the lines of communication.

16) Emotional support

They may be contacting you because they are going through some things and have no one else to turn to for emotional support.

17) Pressure from friends and family

They may be texting you because a friend or family member has been asking about you, told them something about you, or directly asked them to contact you. Friends and family do this if they think your ex made a mistake breaking up with you or if they don’t like the new man or woman and want the two of you to get back together.

18) Good news

Sometimes exes text you out of the blue to wish you a happy birth day, congratulate you on an achievement, or share with you some good news of their own. This can be out of habit but it may also be genuine happiness for you or genuine desire to share some good news with you.

19) Bad news

Your ex may contact you to inform you of a death or something that happened to someone you both know. Thy may think you have not heard about it or maybe reaching out to connect with you because they know you’re the only person who will feel the same way they feel, understand their grief and be able to empathize,

20) Fear of losing you for ever

Some exes even know you are broken up and will not get back together but the thought of losing you forever and not having you in their life makes them reach out. They know nothing will come out of it but they just have to do it.

Some of the reasons have to do with your ex’s attachment style. For example, a fearful avoidant may reach out because they think they are losing you forever but may also be too afraid to get back together because they think they that even if you get back together, you may end up leaving them.

These are some of the reasons your ex will text you or contact you out of the blue. At the end of the day, your ex is the only one who really knows why she’s reaching out to you. The first place to start is getting honest with yourself. Do you really want her to stop contacting you or just frustrated that she has not come out straight and told you that she wants you back – or at least given you clear signals that say she wants you back?

If you’re serious about wanting her to stop calling you so you can get over her and move on with your life, then be straight forward with her and just tell her you would appreciate if she ceased all contact so you can move on. The other option — which in my humble opinion is juvenile – is to let her messages go to the answering machine.

No doubt “getting over her and moving on” is a whole lot difficult than it sounds. But if that’s what you want to do, the earlier you start the better for you. If you just let her have her way with you “against your will”, you’ll become more miserable, angry and disgusted with yourself as time goes on.

If on the other hand, you want her back, then I suggest you stop this “why is she doing this to me?!” victim mentality and get down to working on a plan/strategy to get her back while she’s still “somewhat dating but not really”. If you wait too long, she may decide you’re over her and have moved on. Even then it’ll still be possible to get her back but it’ll require more planning, effort and time when she’s with someone else.

You will find this interesting: 10 Most Confusing Ex’s Behaviours And Misread Signals

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  1. says: Kenny

    Yangki, I see that you are against ‘no contact’ , my question to you is, what alternative do you offer? It’s not enough to be against something but offer no alternative.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      This site is THE alternative to ‘no contact’ sites out there. I also have an eBook that offers an alternative to ‘no contact’, and I offer coaching for those looking for an alternative to ‘no contact’. Gosh! I am THE alternative to no-contact coach!

      If you are indeed looking for an alternative to ‘no contact’, it’d help you to spend a little bit more time reading as many articles as you can.

  2. says: Kylie

    I broke up with my ex and he went NC for 4 weeks. After 4 weeks I contacted him, we talked and got back together but he broke up with me. I’ve been NC for 2 weeks but he has been texting me every other day asking me how I am doing or for random things. I haven’t responded because I don’t want to break the NC rule. Should I tell him to stop contacting me?

  3. says: Amanda

    Yangki, what about if your ex calls you knowing you would call him back. Then when you call him back he completely ignores you. You text him a couple of times asking if hes okay and he texts back, “I thought I had a blocked missed call from you. Sorry I phoned. Cheers!”

    1. First time he did it, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. It’s possible he genuinely thought he had a missed blocked call. It’s also possible that he has a good explanation for not calling or texting back.

      Remember, he’s your ex, he doesn’t have to call you back or respond to your texts immediately, or even ever.

      If he did it again or did something similar, I’d know he’s playing mind games and completely ignore him.