10 Ways You’re Turning Off Your Avoidant Ex Permanently

If you are doing these 10 things, you need to stop them right now because you may be pushing your avoidant ex away. You think you’re trying to get them back, but what you’re doing is turning off your avoidant ex.

1. Chase, beg and plead with your ex

You are not emotionally attractive begging and pleading. When you beg, plead, or try to convince someone to love you, you’re communicating fear, insecurity and low-self-esteem, not value. You’re saying, “My sense of worth depends on you” — and for avoidant’s that’s a turn off.

2. Buy your ex gifts

If buying your ex gifts in an attempt to get them back isn’t trying to “buy love”, then I don’t know what else does. Some avoidant exes will take your “gifts” and still say “no” to getting back together because they don’t want to feel “bought”.

Buying your ex gifts sends the wrong message not just about you, but about the relationship. Most people with a little bit of self-respect will not accept gifts given out of desperation. And if at all you get back together, a relationship that starts off with material or monetary gratification can only be sustained with material or monetary gratification.

3. Write an avoidant ex a “love” letter

When you are in so much pain, writing your ex a letter telling your ex how much you love them and will do anything to get them back makes so much sense. If they can see how much you love them, they’ll want you back, right? Wrong, writing your ex a letter may actually push an avoidant ex further away.

The only person who wants to hear that they’re still loved is you. Most avoidants after a breakup don’t want to hear about your love and your dying heart. They even probably know you love them but it doesn’t matter because your love means little if they were not happy in the relationship, they’re still angry and/or they think you’re just being needy and clingy.

In some cases, these letters can quickly spiral to more hurt and pain. Your ex responds but is extremely negative and you just can’t help (you are hurting) but respond with a negative commentary of your own. Next thing you know you are trading blame or insults when all you wanted to do was tell your ex how much you love him or her.

4. Stalk your ex

Many people will not admit they’re stalking their ex, so let’s call it “accidentally” running into your ex.

Once… yeah, maybe an “accident”. Twice… uhmm… stuff happens. Three times… who are we kidding? You’re stalking your ex and probably scaring the hell out of them.

Showing up on your ex’s doorstep, street, workplace, favourite hang out, or gym in an effort to meet them face-to-face may be one of the biggest mistakes of trying to get your ex back because it’s invading someone’s physical space. Most people feel threatened and afraid for their safety (and the safety of those they love).

5. Tell your ex you’ll change or you’ve changed

You need to stop telling your ex that you will change or have changed. Besides sounding so desperate, what makes you think your ex is going to believe you? Why now? Why didn’t you change before they broke up with you?

Most people don’t believe others can change and even those who believe others can change understand that it takes time, but more importantly, it takes work. And you may have done the work, but avoidants need to see the changes over time, not feel like they’re being sold change.

6. Tell your ex you want to start afresh

Telling your ex you want to start afresh may not push your ex away forever. It may actually good for you, but you must be able to answer “Start afresh how?”

Many avoidants will listen because avoidants want to know what is different before they can feel safe again. But if you can’t show them how things will be different, they’ll promise to think about it, but next time you ask them if they thought about starting afresh, they’ll say, “I don’t know…”

7. Tell your ex “I just want to be friends”

On the surface this sounds very understanding, patient and committed to making the relationship work, but here is the problem. Avoidants are known for asking exes to be “just friends” after a breakup. The difference is that avoidant exes often mean it — they just want to be friends. They may change their mind later if they feel that the dynamic has changed, but at the time they say “let’s be friends” it’s their way of controlling closeness.

So when you offer “I just want to be friends”, they may assume that friendship is all you really want. You make it harder for yourself later when you start wanting more closeness. Your avoidant ex may throw “I just want to be friends” in your face or feel deceived.

8. Relocate

Unless your ex asks you to move or suggests that it could work if distance wasn’t a problem, relocating to where your ex lives is almost as bad as stalking. It especially hurts your chances if you are moving to another country where you have no friends or job. If your ex doesn’t completely ignore you, the stress of making sure you’re okay will slowly erase whatever feelings your ex might have had for you.

Your ex may even start resenting you if your presence somehow interferes with their sense of freedomw and independence.

9. Propose

If the reason you broke up is because you were not ready to take things to the next level, proposing to get your ex back raises red flags. Why now? What has changed?

Wanting to get married because you fear losing someone is not a good reason to get married. Some may even take it as an insult that you think they are so desperate to get married. But more importantly, there may have been good reasons for you not to want to take things to the next level, and making a rush decision because you want your ex back will be something you may regret for the rest of your miserable life.

10. Play mind games

You may think, maybe if I don’t contact my ex and just disappear from the face of the earth they’ll miss me and want me back. In your head it sounds like a brilliant idea. In reality, when you’re broken up, out of sight can be exactly what your ex needs to move on. Life goes on after a break-up!

In addition, triggering a fearful avoidant’s fear of abandonment is never a good idea because there is always backlash — and some fearful avoidants never recover for being too vulnerable. The may feel too “exposed” and ashamed and angry for being out in that position.