8 Things To Do After You Hurt Your Ex And Want Them

Question: I hurt my ex, the only woman I love and want to her back, but I don’t know what to do. I broke up with my ex six weeks ago over something really stupid. We were together one year and spent a lot of time together. We enjoyed many of the same things and laughed a lot. She was deeply in love with me but I did something that at the time I thought that she over reacted. I said things I shouldn’t have. But after really thinking about it, I can see she had a point and must have felt really terrible about how I hurt her deeply and unnecessarily when I didn’t see things from her perspective. I kick myself everyday and wish I had reacted differently. I miss her so much. How do I take those first tentative steps to getting her back?

Yangki’s Answer: Realizing you hurt your ex and acknowledging how deeply you hurt them is the first step towards getting them back. Now you need to show your ex that you want to make it right after hurting them.

1. Hear them out

If there were some angry feelings before and after the break-up, do not rush to apologize before you’ve heard what she has to say. Let her talk about the hurt, the anger, and all the emotions. People have the right to their feelings and emotions even if you do not agree. After they’ve expressed how they feel and feel that they were heard and understood, they will be more willing to hear your side of the story.

2. Apologize

An apology is about the other person, not about you. You hurt them this is what matters the most. Why you hurt them isn’t important because it’s not going to make them feel less hurt. So no explaining or justifying your actions. “You need to understand why I hurt you”, “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you or “I wouldn’t have done X if you had not done Y invalidates an apology. It comes a cross as excusing your actions and/or blaming her for making you do what you did. If you have to explain why you did what you did, it should end with “I was wrong, it’s all on me”.

3. Be willing to do whatever it takes

No matter your reasons, you caused her pain. Just telling your ex you’re truly sorry isn’t going to do it. You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to make things right again.

If trust was broken, ask them what you need to do to make them trust you again, and follow through on whatever they ask of you. You also must do whatever you need to do to make sure that you do not repeat your mistakes and for them to believes that you’ve changed.

4. Let them decide when they’re over it

Keep in mind that when you hurt someone deeply, they put up a wall to protect themselves from getting hurt again. That wall doesn’t immediately come down with an apology.
Don’t push for them to accept your apology or “get over it”. They’ll feel like you are telling them that they shouldn’t be feeling hurt anymore, which is the same as dismissing their feelings and the hurt you caused. This will keep the wall up longer.

Let them decide when they’re ready to ‘get over it”, move on from what happened or decide if they want any kind of relationship with you (or not). If they ask for time or say it’ll take time for them to forgive you, or move past what happened, it will help to provide some kind of reassurance along the lines “I’ll wait as long as you need me to”.

5. Take things slow

Do not rush into trying to get back together right away. Even if they say they have forgiven you, they may still need some time to process everything that’s happened including the apology. Not rushing to get back together does two things.

1) It lets them know that you are there for them even if they need more time to get past the hurt.

2) It gives you time and opportunity to make amends for the wrong you did, and to show them that it will not happen again.

And there will be times when they remember what you did and get upset, taking it slow helps the two of you work through these moments without the pressure to get back together.

6. Learn from what happened

It’s hard to reassure someone that something will never happen again when you haven’t done anything to change or get rid of old patterns.

Try to understand for yourself why you did what you did the way you did and work on whatever needs to change in order for what happened never to happen again.

7. Forgive yourself

It’s okay to have regrets and kick yourself after hurting someone but regret should lead to new understanding and new insights, not keep you stuck guilt and shame. Forgiving yourself releases you from of guilt and shame, helps you be more accepting of yourself, creates space where changes can be made, and removes the barriers that keep you from showing up as your best self.

8. Start over

Depending on what you did to hurt them, you may have to accept that your relationship may never be the same. Some hurts permanently change the person who has been hurt (and the relationship), and you have to find a new normal.

Remind yourselves of the things that worked in the relationship and let both of your needs guide what the new normal will look like. This can be something as simple as what good communication looks like going forward or as complicated as what happens if something like this happens again.

You can move past this, and have a better relationship as a result, but you have to do the work.