10 Things Confident And Secure Women Do With Men

the-rules-and-playing-mind-games-with-menYou’ve heard them; don’t approach him first, don’t flirt, don’t look friendly, don’t pick up the phone when he calls, wait four days before you call him back, never ever accept spontaneous invitations, act like you’re not interested, don’t show him you like him, don’t let him hold your hand until on the third date, don’t introduce him to your friends before he introduces you to his, if he’s not ready to commit when you’re ready dump him, never be friends with an ex etc.

Who follows these type of rules? What kind of man does a woman who follows these rules attract? Is it possible to sustain a loving relationship based on games? What’s so wrong with being an open, honest, vulnerable, pro-active real woman with her own mind, a body and soul?

Every time we set up unrealistic, counter-productive and sometimes even ridiculous “rules” that assume that all men and all women react the same way to the same situation rather than that relationships are an interplay between two unique individuals, we set ourselves up for frustration, hurt and disillusion.

Playing mind games is gambling with your heart. The stakes are too high…

If all you attract is frustration, disappointment and hurt, change the way you approach dating and the way you relate to the opposite sex. Stop treating dating like a game or a necessary evil you have to endure (to get to heaven) and instead see it as a journey of self-discovery.

Take time to get to know yourself and work on the unhealthy residues from your past that may be driving your choices and actions; challenge yourself to do some of the things you’re most afraid to do; meet people and allow others to get to know the real you; accept that life isn’t always fair and things will not always go your way but that happens to everyone; don’t take yourself too seriously and don’t expect others to be perfect; be flexible, spontaneous and have fun! But most of all be authentically you.

Show that you’re approachable, friendly, interested and interesting, intriguing, good company and relationship-worthy.

1) If you’re interested in a guy, let him know.

2) If you want to go out with him, ask him out.

3) If a guy asks you out and you want to go, go. If you’re not available, let him know.

4) If you’re not into him, (sensitively) let him know.

5) If you really are into him but the relationship is not as “hot” as you want it to be, be proactive and do something about it.

6) If something is bothering you about the relationship, talk to him about it.

7) If the relationship is falling apart at the seams, try to mend it.

8) If he feels smothered, pressured or wants a little breathing space, give it to him without feeling hurt about it.

9) If you love him and want a second chance, give love a chance.

10) If you don’t feel he is the one for you or the relationship is toxic, end it.

Just an honest relationship… no lies… no mind games.

I understand that this may be rather radical for some, and have been told by a few people that it’s “a cultural thing”. Surely openness, honesty, integrity, truthfulness, authenticity, sensitivity, fairness, thoughtfulness and self-respect can’t just be a “cultural thing”. More like a “human thing” or a “love thing” to me. Unless of course, you have nothing much to offer in terms of a real fulfilling relationship, then may be it makes sense to manipulate others into thinking you’re who you’re not!

But that’s just my thinking (and may be it’s a “cultural thing”). If you want to play mind games, by all means play on. But don’t complain when the guys you attract using mind games are doing exactly the same thing you’re doing. In my opinion, if two people are okay playing mind games with each other, then they deserve each other. No tears.

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  1. says: Christie

    Thank you. The rules never made sense to me either. I always wondered if it was just me.
    Btw, love all you articles. So much wisdom and compassion.

  2. says: Bluedog

    Men can’t handle honesty? Give me a break! It is all about power and control and the women who play mind games have low self esteem or feel powerless when dealing with men. Mind games give them a sense of power and control. It is a power trip messing with unsuspecting males.

  3. says: Keryjo

    Most men can’t handle honesty well. The ones who complain why women can’t come out front and say we don’t want to date them are the same ones who call us names when we do tell them the truth.

  4. says: dyoll614

    Part of the reason women play hard to get is because a majority of guys don’t understand anything about us. They want everything laid out to them because they are too lazy to get off their asses and work for it. A guy that is willing to work for something is also capable of carrying part of the responsibilities of being in a relationship with an equal.

  5. says: Norissa

    I 100% agree with not playing by “the Rules”. It’s ridiculous, I promised myself a long time ago that I would rather be alone than have to manipulate any man into being with me.

  6. says: Get_real

    If you’re interested in a guy let him know??
    If you like a guy, ask him out???

    WRONG! Guys want to chase and are turned off by a girl who is too easy to get. Sorry but the “Rules” are much more accurate than this garbage. All you’ll get with this is giving a guy the upper hand who won’t value you the way he should. I know from experience! Making a guy work for you – works!

  7. says: Asso

    Believe me, I meet all kinds of women but I’ve never been attracted to black women. They are all ugly. I’m only attracted to white women, Asian and latino women. They have beautiful features.

    1. I hear you… we all have different things that we find attractive in others, and no one should be made to feel guilty for who he/she is attracted to.

      My advice is still the same. Get out more and meet more of the type of women that you are attracted to. The more you expand your experience, the more you see that not all women are into mind games.

  8. says: Asso

    I am a man, and want to say that there’s no woman on this planet who hasn’t mastered the art of mind games. When they want to get men to do things that they want or need, they use methods to control you emotionally.

    1. Every time someone announces “I am a man” is makes me wonder that perhaps he does not feel that people will recognize that he is a man unless he announces it.

      Why not just state your opinion and let others judge if it’s “a man’s” — or not.

      As for your comment ” there’s no woman on this planet…” Since you haven’t met every woman on this planet, your venting is most likely just frustration with the women you’ve met. You need to get out more…

  9. says: Granpajons

    I always thought that males and females are very different in tendencies and traits. But the more I understand myself more deeply, the more I’m convinced that women’s tendencies and traits are the same as mine and I must learn to accept that. Interestingly, this new understanding has brought me in contact with many amazing women, women I’d never in my wildest dreams thought would be interested in me. My current girlfriend is upbeat, positive, grounded and very smart.

  10. says: Ian F.

    The only “rule” that makes any sense is to be yourself. Women should stop taking advice out of outdated books like “The Rules” and just do what comes naturally. You will save a lot of time and effort on both your parts just being yourself.

  11. says: Magnet101

    I’m a 43 single man who has dated and slept with uncountable number of women, I think I’ve enough experience on women and would love to debate you on the subject. I personally find you very fascinating as few women, at least the ones I know, can’t hold a different view and stick to their convictions. I’m referring to you being the only coach out there who does not promote no contact. I just wish you allowed more debate on experiences with women. Believe me, you’d get a lot more people on your blog than you’re getting now.

    1. First of all, I’m not surprised that I fascinate you… I’m awesome like that… (brag, brag!)

      Narcissistic self-adoration and self-absorption aside, there’s 3 reasons as to why I can’t grant your request:

      1. I’m a relationship coach, not an expert on “women”. I’m sure there are men out who’d love to compare notes with you… just not here (in my cyber office)…

      2. I work with people who are already in relationships or at least proven that they are capable of sustaining one. I share what I believe to help, not to gain approval or make others agree with me. I get very uncomfortable when people kiss my you-know… tail. I don’t do it to others and don’t like it done to me.

      If someone resonates with what I put out there and thinks it’s useful, I know I’m being of help to someone else, that’s what matters.

      3. I don’t have the luxury nor the interest in spending hours in cyber space. I can only spare a few hours a day to be on the internet. I try to make those hours count, and count to me is measured in “have I been of some help today?” Between four websites and two blogs, I think I’m doing pretty okay.