We all know that we can’t force someone to love you, but that hasn’t stopped some of us from trying.
Even the language we commonly use (including many dating and relationship experts ) is that of trying to make someone love us by will power, manipulation or simply force.
We talk of making him/her comply, submit, cave in, etc. But it is not that we just talk about dating and relationships in these terms, this is what we do.
We try to force our way into someone’s heart or life. We think we’re just “determined” but end up pushing the other person away. Some of us even believe that we know what the other person wants (even if they don’t), and we’re it. But quite often we end up with a relationship that’s only in our heads, the reality is very different.
Here are 10 signs that you are forcing your relationship to be what it is not.
1. You spend more time fighting resistance than working as a team.
You feel that you always have to beg, impress, persuade, convince, manipulate, or work a trick or technique to get the other person to pay you attention, show they care about you, or agree to a request, even one that’s reasonable. When someone is constantly fighting you off, that relationship is one-sided.
2. The responsibility for sustaining the relationship rests solely on you.
A relationship is rarely 50-50 as we’re old told it should be. If it is, great, but 60-40 does not mean your relationship is unhealthy. But if you are putting in 80% and the other person is only putting in 20% or less, you are in a relationship all by yourself.
3. Every day feels like walking on egg-shells.
A relationship is where you are supposed to feel safe and secure, but if you get overly anxious and/or fearful just thinking about “saying” or “doing” anything that relates to the relationship, your intuition is telling you that you are not safe or secure.
4. You are ‘buying’ the other person to be in a relationship.
Someone who wants to be with you is there because they want to. But if you are “rewards” (money, gifts etc) to keep someone in a relationship or get them to participate in the relationship, you are not in a relationship, you in business together.
5. You don’t feel comfortable showing up in your own relationship.
If you have to withhold relevant facts, stretch the truth a little bit, say only the “right” things etc. to keep someone in a relationship, it’s because you know that they wouldn’t probably want to be with the ‘real you”. The person they are in love with is not you, but the idea of you.
6. The only way you know how to love them is play on their emotions.
Nothing more says “forcing someone to be with you” than using the other persons fears, anxiety and insecurities, or threatening them with regrettable consequences if they leave you. If you succeed in keeping them in the relationship, you end up with someone who is physically present but emotionally unsafe and insecure, or checked out.
7. They are constantly taking breaks from the relationship.
A break or even a break-up once or twice during the course of a relationship is normal. But if you spend more time on a break or broken up than you spend being in a relationship, and you are always the one reaching out and trying to “make things work” you are holding on to someone who wants to be let go.
9. You argue and fight too much (and over little things and/or unimportant issues).
All couples argue, you are not always going to agree on everything. How you argue and what you argue about is what separates what is two people who don’t agree on everything from two people who probably shouldn’t be together. If the only reason the relationship is holding up is because don’t speak up on things that are important to you, it’s a one-person relationship – and you are not part of it.
10. You feel ignored and unwanted most of the time.
You don’t feel loved, cared for and wanted because you are ignored most o the time. It’s almost like you have to remind them you are in in a relationship, and when you do, they dismiss your feeling and needs as overexaggerated and/or you being needy.
There are times when we have to do things to make a relationship happen, but if you find yourself feeling like manipulating someone is the only way the relationship can work, you are no longer doing what you should be doing to make a relationship work, you are forcing your way into their heart and life.
When you try to push your way into someone’s life, the relationship will always feel like a struggle.