10 Signs You’re Being Played Vs. He Needs More Time

Question: I am in 10 month relationship that started in unconventional way. I don’t know if I am being played or if he’s taking his time and doesn’t want to rush things. Initially he seemed really into me and came on strong. But after the honeymoon period, everything seemed to come to a stand still. We see each other from time to time; but he is not doing the things he did to show me he loved me. I’m confused. I know we haven’t been together for long and I am too afraid to ask him where we stand. I don’t want to scare him away. But I also don’t want to waste my time on a relationship that is going nowhere. In your experience, are there signs that someone is playing you? Thank you.

Yangki’s Answer: Just as each person is different, each relationship is different. The time frames that apply in one relationship may not apply in another.

But with all the head game-playing on both sides (and by even supposedly grown ups who should know better), it’s sometimes hard to tell who is just following some stupid rules, who is playing you and who is taking things slowly because they want to be sure they are making the right decisions.

I’ve tried to compile my own “signs” that help me when dealing with clients situations. The only applies to someone you have been dating for six months and plus.

1. You are never sure when you will hear from them or see them. And when you see them it is always to their convenience.

2. You have been together a while and they acting like the perfect partner. But they intentionally avoid discussions about future plans.

3. Every time you express your concerns about the relationship, they make promises they never keep. The promises get more and more idealistic.

4. They are always saying that they don’t have time for you but they seems to have time to do everything else; including go out with friends and even go on other dates.

5. They act irritated or angry when you tell them you love them, show them you care about them or intimate that you want a future with them.

6. They seem nervous about you meeting their friends; and keep telling you that they will soon introduce you to them. But it never happens.

7. They know that you want a relationship and not just sex. But make no effort to have any kind of emotional relationship; or even reach out just to check up on how you are.

8. They come across as too good to be true but their words don’t always match their actions.

9. They spend more time telling you that the relationship is neither right nor going anywhere.

10. Your instincts and gut feeling is telling you that something is wrong with the relationship.

At the end f the day really, most of us know that we are being played. This is why we ask if we’re being played.

But there are instances when we think we’re being played, and we’re not. Sometimes some feels that things are moving too fast and stepping back to reset the pace and take things slow. The only way you can know what is what is talk about it.

Stepping back and resetting the pace of a relationship that was moving too fast should feel “right” for both of you. You may not always agree on just how much to pull back or even if things were going too fast, but there has to be a kind of comfort that things are still “moving forward”; a little slower but progressively moving forward.


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  1. says: Modwana

    I had an experience with one of my ex-boyfriends. He couldn’t let go about a relationship that happened 3 months before I even met him. It drove me nuts! Did I say he is now my ex? Insecure men are such a turn off.

    I do however think that if he keeps bringing up his ex, he’s not over her yet.

    1. I totally agree… if he/she keeps bringing up an ex, then there are some “unresolved” issues there. But does it necessarily mean you’re being “played?” Some people get “stuck in the past” even when they have no second thoughts of getting back with an ex… anger, pain of rejection/abandonment, etc.

      ***Keeps bringing up an ex — tale-tell sign with a question mark. There is a possibility he/she could be on the rebound and using you (but not intentionally) to get over an ex (and you may even know it but choose to believe what you want to believe).

      But there are also some men and women who don’t want the person they’re dating to say anything positive about an ex… they ask questions and when the person answers honestly, they automatically conclude “he/she’s not over an ex yet!” They assume all exes are exes because they were “bad” people, and all break-ups are nasty/painful – which is not true for everyone.

      ***Says positive (fond) things about an ex — not necessarily a red flag unless they’re saying it in ways that suggest they still have hopes of someday getting back together.

    1. Women say the same thing about men… “Men love a challenge. If there’s no challenge, he’ll have no interest in you.”

      The reality though is that SOME Women love a challenge, and SOME men love a challenge. MOST women and MOST men don’t. You put too many roadblocks and they lose interest (too much work!)

      And those that love the challenge… well, they love THE CHALLENGE… and always looking for the next one.

      The problem for many men and women is that they’re looking for a relationship, but go for men and women looking for a challenge… go figure!

    1. Then you decide whether you want to pursue her knowing she’s with someone else and will probably be with him for a while, or you want to cut your loses now and go graze elsewhere.

      Let me guess… your next question will be “is it possible to get your ex when she’s with someone else?”

      I’ll save us both the time and effort…(:

      YES! Very possible. More complicated and sometimes takes much longer than situations where there is no one else in the picture. But yes, it happens a lot more than you know.

      If 1) the relationship with the other person is not serious, 2) your ex is okay with you pursing her when she’s with someone else (e.g. he/she responds positively) and 3) you have the patience and mental focus to do it. Playing second fiddle is not for everyone.

  2. says: Harpie

    I also think she’s playing a mind game. It’s second nature to her, I don’t think she even really knows what she is doing. But I’ll take your advice and ask her upfront.

  3. says: Harpie

    What about when your ex texts you when she’s with the other guy, is she thinking of me or just playing mind games? It has happened on more than 3 occasions. Usually it’s just hi, followed by a few texts asking me what I’m doing and that’s it.

    1. Could be either, but my bet is on playing games.

      Why don’t you ask her straight up why she texts you when she’s with the other guy. If it’s because she’s thinking of you, her response may be coy, but it’ll be something sweet. If she’s just playing games, she’ll get defensive and/or act up (they always do when backed into a corner).

  4. says: EzBreezy

    My ex is giving out mixed signals. When we broke up she said she wanted to be friends, but I told her it was too difficult for me. I told her no contact for at least 2 months. After 3 weeks I contacted her and told her, I could be her friend. We kept contact for a week, but she stopped responding. I asked her why she wasn’t replying to my texts and she said she didn’t feel right for us being in contact. I left her alone for 2 weeks, then she contacted me, but I didn’t respond. She sent me about 7 texts, and I felt bad not responding, so I responded. It’s been over a week and I haven’t heard from her. I think I’m just not going to contact her for a while and see what happens. My question is, how much time do you think I should give her before I contact her again?

  5. says: Lani

    The best and honest advice that had literally saved my life from an ex as well as helping me find myself and learn from my own mistakes. Thank yu

  6. says: Phil

    Damn.I got played.Trying to get over this beautiful women recently and was unable to process it. She did ALL of the 5 things you listed. I actually feel better in light of these observations. Thanks Lovedoctor.

  7. says: Adam696

    If your partner is playing mind games tell him or her that you do not have time for this nonsense. If he or she is not returning your calls, then immediately stop calling them. Never act like a puppet and do not allow them to do whatever they like because the more you do the more of a loser you will become.

  8. says: Viena

    Dear Yangki.

    My name is Viena. I met a guy I really liked a few month ago and everything was just fantastic. I knew he was fascinated and very attracted by me…
    I wouldn`t mind to slow down before to get to the next level, but I afraid I became the “Next” for the “Quality Time” in his “favorit`s list”…

    Can be man (never married, no children), who keeps close friendship with all his ex-girlfriends and other femail friends, and still planning to go for holidays with his First Love, trusted? Can it be kind of symptom of commitment problem in relation?

    Kind regards

    1. A man who keeps close friendship with all his ex-girlfriends and other female friends, can absolutely be trusted. Personally, I trust such men more than those who hate all their ex-girlfriends and are uncomfortable around other females. Something just isn’t right with people who hate all their exes…

      But not all men are the same. The trust thing depends on the individual man and the type of relationship the two of you have. If you have reason to think he is upto something “untrustworthy” or if he has in the past done things that prove that he can’t be trusted, then you have good reason not to trust him.

      It may or may not be a commitment issue. There are so many factors at play before one can conclude the other person has commitment issues. One of them being that one person is moving too fast in terms of feelings. It does not mean the slower person is afraid of commitment, just that they do not feel for you the way you feel for them. I suspect this may be your situation because you say “I wouldn’t mind to slow down” and he seems to be spending more time with other females. It could be he’s just not ready to be ‘exclusive” with you, even though you are ready for that next step.

  9. says: AshleyUSA

    There’s plenty of people in the world to be friends with, why an ex? Many people have ended up cheating with an ex because of the history they have together. What if he has second thoughts about getting back together with them?

    I guess we should also throw trust and commitment out of the window and let people sleep with whoever they want.

    1. 1. “There’s plenty of people in the world to be friends with, why an ex?”

      True, but why not an ex? They are “people” too… 🙂

      2. What if he has second thoughts about getting back together with them?

      Those are his decisions and choices to make. The way I see it is, if a man (or woman) wants to cheat with an ex or someone else, he (or she) will cheat. Even if you try to prevent it, they’ll find ways to do it. That’s just a fact of life.

      Trust is given and trust is earned experientially – you cannot demand, coax, charm or wheedle it. But this is just me and I’m not saying I’m a “better” person for my outlook on life. I just have far more important and interesting things to do with my life than worry my little heart over who my guy might (or might not) cheat with.

  10. says: AshleyUSA

    Not all friends, just his ex and attractive women who he might be tempted to have sex with. I’d not just tell him, I’d ask him politely to stop talking to his ex or hanging out with certain women. As for my ex bfs, I’m not friends with any of my ex bfs. The past is a past for a reason.

    Wouldn’t it bother you if the person you’re with talks to his ex or hangs around attractive women? I find that very strange!

    1. As a matter of fact, I’m NOT bothered by my guy talking to his exes or hanging out with attractive woman. I’m even good friends with all his exes and they’re very attractive women. It is one reason I was and still very attracted to him. He can be around stunningly attractive women, carry his own with confidence and won’t jump into bed just because he can.

      If you really cared about somebody – and they’re simply cool people who were good to you – it’s not like you appreciate them one day and you stop the next. It all depends on individual characters and how you remember them and how they remember you.

  11. says: AshleyUSA

    That’s my point. If he wants to be with you then his ex should be something of the past. I’d be bothered if my bf still talked fondly of his ex or was friends with his ex. I would never feel like I was priority in his life.

    1. So for you to feel like priority in his life, you feel that you should have a say in who your bf should and should not talk to or hang out with. Wouldn’t that make you appear seriously insecure? How do you think your bf would take it you telling him who he can be friends with or hang out with? How would you feel if your bf told you who you can hang out with or be friends with? Just curious…

  12. says: AshleyUSA

    Good points. No.6 should be, if he still talks fondly of his ex girlfriend and hangs around attractive women, you’re being played.

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