Question: I am in 10 month relationship that started in unconventional way. I don’t know if I am being played or if he’s taking his time and doesn’t want to rush things. Initially he seemed really into me and came on strong. But after the honeymoon period, everything seemed to come to a stand still. We see each other from time to time; but he is not doing the things he did to show me he loved me. I’m confused. I know we haven’t been together for long and I am too afraid to ask him where we stand. I don’t want to scare him away. But I also don’t want to waste my time on a relationship that is going nowhere. In your experience, are there signs that someone is playing you? Thank you.
Yangki’s Answer: Just as each person is different, each relationship is different. The time frames that apply in one relationship may not apply in another.
But with all the head game-playing on both sides (and by even supposedly grown ups who should know better), it’s sometimes hard to tell who is just following some stupid rules, who is playing you and who is taking things slowly because they want to be sure they are making the right decisions.
I’ve tried to compile my own “signs” that help me when dealing with clients situations. The only applies to someone you have been dating for six months and plus.
1. You are never sure when you will hear from them or see them. And when you see them it is always to their convenience.
2. You have been together a while and they acting like the perfect partner. But they intentionally avoid discussions about future plans.
3. Every time you express your concerns about the relationship, they make promises they never keep. The promises get more and more idealistic.
4. They are always saying that they don’t have time for you but they seems to have time to do everything else; including go out with friends and even go on other dates.
5. They act irritated or angry when you tell them you love them, show them you care about them or intimate that you want a future with them.
6. They seem nervous about you meeting their friends; and keep telling you that they will soon introduce you to them. But it never happens.
7. They know that you want a relationship and not just sex. But make no effort to have any kind of emotional relationship; or even reach out just to check up on how you are.
8. They come across as too good to be true but their words don’t always match their actions.
9. They spend more time telling you that the relationship is neither right nor going anywhere.
10. Your instincts and gut feeling is telling you that something is wrong with the relationship.
At the end f the day really, most of us know that we are being played. This is why we ask if we’re being played.
But there are instances when we think we’re being played, and we’re not. Sometimes some feels that things are moving too fast and stepping back to reset the pace and take things slow. The only way you can know what is what is talk about it.
Stepping back and resetting the pace of a relationship that was moving too fast should feel “right” for both of you. You may not always agree on just how much to pull back or even if things were going too fast, but there has to be a kind of comfort that things are still “moving forward”; a little slower but progressively moving forward.
I had an experience with one of my ex-boyfriends. He couldn’t let go about a relationship that happened 3 months before I even met him. It drove me nuts! Did I say he is now my ex? Insecure men are such a turn off.
I do however think that if he keeps bringing up his ex, he’s not over her yet.
I totally agree… if he/she keeps bringing up an ex, then there are some “unresolved” issues there. But does it necessarily mean you’re being “played?” Some people get “stuck in the past” even when they have no second thoughts of getting back with an ex… anger, pain of rejection/abandonment, etc.
***Keeps bringing up an ex — tale-tell sign with a question mark. There is a possibility he/she could be on the rebound and using you (but not intentionally) to get over an ex (and you may even know it but choose to believe what you want to believe).
But there are also some men and women who don’t want the person they’re dating to say anything positive about an ex… they ask questions and when the person answers honestly, they automatically conclude “he/she’s not over an ex yet!” They assume all exes are exes because they were “bad” people, and all break-ups are nasty/painful – which is not true for everyone.
***Says positive (fond) things about an ex — not necessarily a red flag unless they’re saying it in ways that suggest they still have hopes of someday getting back together.