If you’re trying to get back together with your ex, there is a possibility that a relationship with your ex will not last even if you get back together. Sometimes it’s best to minimize the possibility of regret; especially if these are the same red flags or incompatibility issues that you ignored when you were dating.
So many people get into a relationship with so much potential, but after a few months of dating start to feel like they either made a mistake or the person they are with changed to someone they no longer recognize. Truth is, both feelings are right.
You may have made a mistake. You didn’t listen to your gut and you ignored all the red flags because you wanted to believe you had finally met “the one”.
The person you met and fell in love with is not the same person you broke up with. Like you, they were in their best behaviour when you met, but that mask wore off and you met the ‘real’ person.
So yes, you might want your ex back, but do not again ignore the red flags or signs a relationship with your ex will not last. Getting back an ex is emotionally draining, there is no point going through all that; only to come to the same conclusion. You again made a mistake and/or with the wrong person.
Here are serious signs that a relationship with your ex will not last even if you get back together
1. Interest in the things you’re interested in
Is there an easy and constructive flow of information back and forth?
Can your ex engage and follow you with curiosity, interest, and intelligence into the world that you find interesting and mentally stimulating? If your ex shows no interest in your world, and not trying to at least understand it; it’s going to be either a one-sided relationship with you giving up too much of yourself, or the relationship will not last.
2. Comfortable with who they are
How comfortable is your ex in their own skin and how do they show it on the outside?
While being attracted to particular physical characteristics is not a sin or a bad thing, it becomes a problem when your “ideal” is an unrealistic mix of physical traits taken from glamorous magazine cover models and movie stars, with a little bit of your own imagination thrown in.
If your ex is not happy with who they are you will never be happy either. You spend most of the time reassuring them you love them and less time actually enjoying the relationship.
3. Interested in you as a person
Is your ex sincerely interested in you as a person or do they just want to be in a relationship?
Except for people who lie so smoothly that they’re almost impossible to catch—we can with some accuracy, tell if a person really wants to be there, wants to talk to us, or even get to know us. If you didn’t feel that ‘interest in you’ in the relationship, you might want to rethink why you want your ex back in the first place. The problem may not be with your ex, the problem may be with your self-esteem and self-value.
4. Willing to deal with their issues
Does your ex signal deep-seated issues that pose a challenge in the relationship?
Most of us have ‘issues”, however, people who do not know what makes them happy can’t truly love anyone. When they give ‘anything”, it usually comes with strings attached, and may be hurtful in the end.
If your ex is not willing to deal with their ‘issues’, there is nothing you can do for them. You staying in a relationship with them may actually be you enabling them. It’s toxic for both of you; and the relationship with your ex will not last even this time around.
5. Able to relax and have fun
Is your ex open-minded enough to adjust to the new and the unexpected, or do they tend to try to control everything, even fun?
Be especially wary of people who pride themselves in their emotional restraint. Besides being really uninteresting, these people are also easily offended, particularly when their sense of “control” is challenged; or when they feel embarrassed or betrayed. They simply don’t know how to relax and have fun. A relationship that lacks a sense of ‘fun’ is going to be highly stressful and unfulfilling.
6. Can regulate their emotions
Can your ex properly regulate their emotions; or do you feel like you are walking on egg-shells around them?
Relationship dram can sometimes be intoxicating,; and the sex after, woow! But if your ex can not regulate their emotions, the emotional highs and lows, you tire you out. You will find yourself holding your breath waiting for something to “drop” on the ground—like really hard. Over time you may find their impetuous energy a little reckless, and a bit unbearable.
The emotional roller-coaster ride may be ‘exciting’ for a while, but it will take a toll on your mental and physical health. And if you try to put your foot down, you may get dumped, and the rejection from putting up with their “craziness” only to be dumped will be hard.
7. Able to be present and live in the present moment
There are three kinds of people who are stuck in the past: those who:
- Can’t let go off the “pain and heartache” caused by others
- In denial about their past experiences (if they don’t acknowledge it, they don’t have to deal with it)
- Longing for the past because it was so much better than the present.
Men and women who are hang up on the past never seem to be happy with the present no matter what you do. The two of you will never really be able to enjoy the relationship, unless of course you don’t mind playing therapist.
8. Sexually compatible
Be brutally honest with yourself. It’s okay to admit that your sex drives may not match anymore. But even if you have the same sex libido, can you trust your ex not to want to “‘explore things” outside of the relationship, or if you are in an “open” relationship, not to abuse your trust?
9. Respect you when you disagree or fight?
Respect is about showing how much you think of someone. Do not look at the ‘disrespect’ or rude behaviour your has as shown in the past as something from the past.
If someone shows you they think very little of you, that is not likely to change just because you broke up.
10. Same vision of the future
For a successful relationship, we must all compromise. But there are some things you just do not compromise on however much you love someone, e.g. who you are, your values, and your vision for the future that makes you happy and fulfilled. If you do not agree on these things before you get back together; a relationship with your ex will not last even if you get back together.
11. Trustworthy and trusting
Trust is one of the last things to come back even long after you are back together. This is because trust is about feeling safe.
If you don’t trust your ex, you will never feel safe in the relationship; and if your ex doesn’t trust you, the relationship will not last.
There is having love for your ex and there is feeling in love with your ex. Love is enduring and is there even when you break-up. The ‘feeling” of love comes and goes in most relationships even healthy and secure relationships. One of the reasons people break-up is because the feeling of being in love is gone. That feeling can come back if there is love for your ex.
But once love for your e is gone, trying to force a relationship with your ex is not worth the effort because it will not last.