I have written so much about how “no contact” as a strategy to get an ex back is often a desperate and sneaky attempt to play on someone’s fear of rejection and/or abandonment and get them back into a relationship that they walked away from, and often for a good reason (reasons).
Here are a few more signs your ex is desperate and trying to manipulate you by playing on your emotions.
1. Negating – Despite you telling your ex that you’re no longer together, they act like the relationship never ended or as if nothing has changed. Your ex is not only in denial, they are trying to void the break-up because they think you made a mistake ending the relationship, and want you also to think you made a mistake. It is the “if you don’t see it, it doesn’t exist”, and “if you don’t acknowledge it, it never happened” mind-bending technique.
2. Gaslighting – Your ex is telling you things that make you question yourself and your reality. For example, they tell you a different version of the break-up that paints them in a better light than you remember and insist that if they said or did anything to hurt you, it was because you did or said something that made them hurt you. Every time you talk to them, you feel like you must be imagining things because your reality is not reality.
3. Grand promises – Your ex is promising you a “too good to be true” relationship if you take them back (e.g. be more open, spend more time with you, take you to romantic getaways, make dramatic life changes, and even proposes to you). If it’s too good to be true, see it it for what it is – too good to be true.
4. Excessive apologizing – Your ex apologizes a little too much, and when they don’t not get the response they hoped for, they stop contacting you, act out angrily or tell you to get over it already. The ‘apologies” are not really an apology. They are convinced that an apology will get you back, and keep adding things they apologize for because the last apology didn’t work, so they come up with what they think will do the trick this time around.
5. Quick fixes – Your ex acts like they had an epiphany and overnight woke up a whole new (changed) man or woman. Change takes months and even years, and some people never change at all. Any big-bang theory style changes are just that – a snake oil salesman’s miracle cure.
6. Guilting – Your ex’s so called “changes” are conditional on you taking them back or make you feel like they want you to know they’re “sacrificing” to make those changes for you. Guilt is a very powerful emotion and manipulators know that, and use it with no mercy.
7. Baiting – Your ex creates some kind of drama to make you contact them e.g. send you a text, email or call saying they have something important to tell you, they’re going through something and need you (for emotional support) etc. Most people if they have something important to tell you just come out right and tell you what it is. If they are making you work to hear what they have to say, it is not important.
8. Power playing – Your ex makes contact to find out if you are still thinking of them and/or want them back and when you don’t take the bait, they contact you about something else or create some kind of drama to trigger you to respond. For example, they say they want to return your stuff that they have or contact you about something of theirs that you have or to repay money you owe them (stuff or money they really don’t even want back). One day it’s I want “my stuff” back, the next they want you to keep it, and then back to them wanting it back.
9. Coercion – Your ex says and does things that imply they think very little of you or your ability to think for yourself, or know what you want. They use “Psychology” to coerce you back into a relationship, and sound more like a therapist than a romantic partner. For example, they talk about your depression, anxiety, attachment avoidance, fear of rejection/abandonment etc., like they they know you better than you know yourself, and pretend to be your “emotional support” all the while pursuing their own selfish agenda.
10. Threats – Your ex is threatening to “move on” if you do not make up your mind and take them back. They even tell you no one will love you more than they love you, predict all kinds of doom for you without them in your life and make it look like your happiness depends on them. Take it as a threat, “I’ll make your life miserable” if you don’t take me back, and they will.
Manipulators have an agenda when they deal with others and take advantage of those who are inexperienced to see through their games.
You have the upper hand here– and the opportunity to take the relationship the direction you want it to, so don’t fall for the manipulation. Falling for your ex’s mind games only gives your ex a heightened sense of superiority and a license to do it again, and again.
If your ex’s attempts at manipulation is something out of character, that is, they were never manipulative or controlling in the relationship, or generally not a drama queen or someone who is addicted to emotional stress, then they’re just acting that way out of hurt or desperation. If you still care about them and believe that there could be a future for the two of you, then make them work to prove themselves over a period of time. If they act consistently in ways that show you they truly have changed, and that the change is permanent, then give them a chance.
But if your ex’s attitude, words, actions and behaviour are just a continuation of their manipulative and controlling nature, it’s probably best to walk away now than later. You only have yourself to blame if you go back to the same exact relationship that you walked away from, or should have walked away from a long time ago.