Have you ever been out on a date and your date was rude to a service person and even though you were first so strongly attracted to him/her, the attraction suddenly went down a few notches?
May be you have an ex who you still have very strong feelings for but you just can’t bring yourself to go back into the relationship because you feel your ex is self – centered and you just can’t get out of your mind those times he/she acted selfishly -in or out of the bedroom?
More and more studies show that selfless behaviour is a sexually attractive trait when choosing a partner. Both men and women – but more so women – show a strong preference in a partner who typically displays selflessness towards others. One such a study is by Dr Tim Phillips from the University of Nottingham and Institute of Psychiatry, King’s College, London. The results are published in the British Journal of Psychology.
Some studies even show that men and women who put themselves at risk to help someone else they do not even know are better lovers – in and out of the bedroom.
Unfortunately, unless something so obvious happens like someone refusing to share his dinner or her popcorn at the movies, or if you’re really good at noticing odd things about others, selfishness in another person is a difficult trait to identify early on in the relationship – before you fall in love with the person.
So how can you tell earlier on that you may be falling for a selfish man or woman?
1. He/she mostly talks about him/herself – what he/she likes, needs and wants in a partner, in a relationship, in life etc. What you like, need and want doesn’t seem to matter.
2. He/she only relates to how things affect him/her personally and has no ability to see or relate to how life (and the world) is interconnected.
3. He/she doesn’t consider the impact of his/her actions on others (you included). When you point out how his/her words/actions are “hurting” you, he/she just can’t make the link between his/her words/actions and how you feel.
4. He/she wants you to listen, give emotional support and even worry about how he/she is feeling but never takes time to listen to how you feel — or even thinks how you feel is not important. When you point this out you’re told you’re being “selfish” for wanting him/her to pay attention.
5. He/she gives only when he/she expects to get something back in return. More often than not, expecting more than he/she is willing to give.
6. He/she has an entitlement mentality often followed by selfish demands and outbursts or emotional blackmail (withdraws attention and affection) when he/she doesn’t get what he/she feels he/she is entitled to (i.e. your attention and affection).
7. He/she is always quick to say “NO” when asked to “give” in any way; always has a reason as to why he/she doesn’t feel like giving, doesn’t want to give or should not give- and all these reasons have to do with someone else’s “fault”.
8. He/she always makes promises he/she doesn’t fulfill. Either consciously or sub-consciously he/she always seems unable to “remember” a commitment he/she made and may even blame you for his/her failure to fulfill a responsibility.
9. He/she thinks its okay to manipulate and exploit and even take advantage of others to achieve one’s own ends.
10. He/she lacks empathy and makes no apologies about it.