10 Signs Your Avoidant Ex Is Changing for The Better

When a fearful-avoidant or dismissive-avoidant becomes aware of their avoidant attachment style, they don’t suddenly stop pulling away or become expressive or highly affectionate. What you see instead are small, consistent changes that reflect self-awareness and deeper inner growth.

Here are the most reliable signs an avoidant is self-aware and/or becoming more secure:

1. They take responsibility for their behaviour

Instead of always avoiding, minimizing, or blaming circumstances (or you), they begin to acknowledge how their actions affect others. They might say things like:

• “I know I shut down when things get intense.”
• “I could’ve handled that better.”
• “I get uncomfortable when things feel too close, but I’m trying to work on it.”

This shows growing self-reflection and ownership, a major emotional milestone for an avoidant.

2. They fight the urge to pull away

In the past, their instinct was to pull away at the first sign of discomfort. Now, they may still feel that urge but they try to fight it. You might notice they stay in the conversation a little longer, take time to respond rather than disappear, or come back to talk things through after self-regulating.

Fighting the urge to pull away shows they’re learning to regulate their emotional defenses instead of being ruled by them.

3. They share their inner world (even in small doses)

They allow you small glimpses of their emotional life, e.g. comments about stress, feelings, hopes, or even insecurities. It might not sound like much, but for an avoidant, any form of “here’s what’s going on inside me” is a sign of growing self-awareness and emotional openness.

4. They show more interest in your feelings

They start asking more questions about you — your thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Instead of avoiding emotional topics, they begin to stay present when you share. They might not always know how to respond, but they’re trying to understand rather than avoid.

5. Their communication is more consistent

You start to see steadier engagement instead of hot-and-cold (fearful avoidants) and extended periods of no communication (dismissive avoidants). They also don’t abruptly drop conversations, conversations flow more naturally, and they disappear less when things get emotionally close.

This consistency in connection means they’re becoming more confident in handling emotional closeness.

6. They’re more reassuring when they need space

This is a big one. When an avoidant begins to say, “I need a bit of space right now, but I’m not going anywhere,” or “Can we talk about this later when I’ve had time to think?” — it shows self-awareness and that they’re becoming ore secure. .

They’re learning to communicate their need for space instead of acting it out by pulling away o or shutting down.

7. They re-engage after pulling away or conflict

Avoidants who are more self-aware reach out first or acknowledge the distance or tension instead of waiting for you to reach out or bring things up or apologize. Even a simple message like, “Sorry I went quiet, I needed to clear my head,” is a sign that they’re trying to communicate or trying to repair after conflict, not avoid it.

8. They let themselves be vulnerable

They admit they’re scared, insecure, or unsure. By doing this they’re allowing emotional exposure and moments of emotional vulnerability. This doesn’t mean they’re suddenly “secure,” but it shows they’re letting their guard down — and that they trust you enough to see the parts of them they see as “weakness”.

9. They connect more emotionally than rationally

They start noticing your feelings, remembering things you said, or responding in ways that show they’re emotionally tuned in to what is going on with you, themselves and the connection. Even small gestures like a check-in, a validating comment, a softening tone is a sign they’re connecting more emotionally than rationally or defensively.

10. They express desire for growth or change

An avoidant who says, “I don’t want to keep running from things,” “I want to do better next time,” or “I want to work on becoming a better person overall” is showing emotional awareness and a readiness to change. They may not have all the tools yet, but they’re consciously aware that avoidance isn’t working anymore.

When you see 2 or more of these signs in your avoidant ex, stop treating them as if they’re still unaware that their attachment style isn’t working for them.

Avoidants who are self-aware become frustrated when they’re trying to do better or making an effort and you continue to respond to them as if they’re still emotionally unavailable, disconnected, or incapable of growth. It makes them feel unseen and misunderstood — like no matter what they do, they’ll always be cast in the role of the avoidant who “doesn’t care.” This doesn’t just discourage their progress and push them back into old defenses, it can also end up creating deeper trust issues and more distance.

So when you notice growth, acknowledge it. For example:

1) When you see that they’re really trying to be more emotionally a subtle “I really appreciate you sharing that with me. It means a lot.” reinforces their effort and helps them feel emotionally safe practising opening up — and can bring the two of you closer.

2) When they say “I want to focus on working on myself”. This can be triggering when you have an anxious attachment because it feels like they’re saying “I don’t want to be with you” or “I’m pulling away again.” But for a self-aware avoidant, what they’re often really saying is, “I recognize that some of my behaviours have hurt me and us, and I want to change that.”

Instead of reacting from fear or taking it personally, you can say something like, “I respect that. It takes courage to work on yourself,” or “I think it’s great that you’re taking time to understand yourself more.”

Responding this way not only shows emotional security but also signals to your avoidant ex that it’s safe to keep doing their self-work and to keep you emotionally included in that process and growth — instead of feeling like they have to withdraw to do it alone.

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